I am in a branch library in Sioux Falls, SD typing today. I have been 'up north' for nearly a month. I am very unhappy and unsettled here and anxious to leave. Not that there haven't been some good moments. No one thing is ALL bad, including staying with my mom. But because of this experiment, I can say that I will probably not come up here again for such an extended visit.
Robbie likes it here I can tell. He had never seen, heard or chased a squirrel before coming here. Now he is obsessed with them on every walk. He has developed the Herculean strength to pull me toward trees where he thinks squirrels might be. He buries his nose in the grass to sniff out every whiff of Squirrel that has been there in the past. Walks take twice as long with half as much peeing on his part. Squirrels aside, since being here, Robbie has been very concerned that he will be left alone. I left him to go to Minneapolis for 2 nights. I left him when I stayed overnight to dogsit Sherlock and Nessie, two Scotties that don't always mesh with Robbie. When I do finally take Robbie and head to the southwest, I think he will be ready to go, but not without being a little worried as he always is.
Today is the 8 month mark since Gary's death. It doesn't mean that I feel any differently than I did at his 6 month marker, just a mental note on the passing of time without him. I was in a Kohl's store today, which is pretty unusual for me. I don't buy clothes for myself as a rule, but I needed to use their bathroom so I walked to the back corner of the store to do so. I dislike going to Kohl's or any department store for that matter since Gary's death. I ALWAYS checked out the mens departments to see if any bargains could be found for shirts etc. He was fun to dress because most things fit well and always looked good on him. That happens with good looking people I guess. All Gary had to do was to find the price that he was happy with, which, given his frugality, could be tough to accomplish. So I would shop without him and take them home for him to try on. Now, the mens departments have no good meaning for me. I have no one to dress or to get excited about finding a great pair of khakis at a good price. A small loss, yes, but a particle of the loss mountain I won't get rid of.
I am waiting for the exact time of departure to be given to me by my son in Kansas City. I have something to drop by their house. If I don't hear from them, I will just drop it off and continue on to Denver where Robbie and I will dogsit for/with Sadie. Poor Sadie, the dog I nearly poisoned because I had dark chocolate in my duffel bag when I visited on June 2nd for my neice's baby shower. Sadie succomed to the irressitable scent of the chocolate and nearly succomed to its effects on her system. After a night at the pet emergency hospital, she came back healthy, and worth a WHOLE lot more than she had been as an investment to my sister and brother-in-law. Thank you to Robbie for being so non inquisitive that I don't worry about him rooting in purses and bags to eat their contents. I forget that he is not like most dogs.
When my commitment to staying with Sadie is done, I will head back to Peoria to see if anything is still alive at my house. I am not expecting much. I know that my neighbors will do their best, but it is hard to keep every plant looking good in the relentless 112 degree heat that occurs every day from May to October. I do not miss the weather one bit. But I do HATE the humidity of southeastern South Dakota and southern Minnesota that I am in now. ugh You may think its petty, but a major reason I could never move back here (amoung MANY MANY reasons) is the damned humidity.
That's all the badmouthing I will do about this place for now anyway.
Last night I recieved a text from my friend here in Sioux Falls. Her nephew, whose birthday was yesterday, on Father's Day had just died at 8:08pm. He died on his 35th birthday from luekemia. He left 2 little girls and a 2-year-old boy who will never have their own father again to celebrate Fathers Day with. Life is a precious gift even if you are an invincible young person.
Last Friday evening, I went to the SD Lion's Eye Bank Honoree dinner here in Sioux Falls. It was a beautiful evening to honor the persons who have donated their organs in the past year in SD. Many recipents attended also. I sat with a family who lost a husband and dad on November 25th. He fell over and died from a heart attack while hunting with the son I sat next to. The young man who lives in Minneapolis described how he tried for 20 minutes to perform CPR on his dad. He was the only one there and I could tell he felt the need to tell me how hard he tried to bring his dad back. I saw his mother, who is about my age, watch his pain and I know what she felt and feels. We both wished each other well on our solo journeys ahead. I did not go to this alone, I took Gary's mom and sister. I am so glad I did. It was hard to see the lonely people who stood up alone when their loved one's name was called. There was a nice slide show of alllll the people who had died, but donated their bodies. I was amazed at how most of the donors were far from elderly. Many were in their 20's or teens. One little girl was only 9. I saw the young dad with his baby and toddler sitting next to me. He had lost his wife and now would raise their kids without her. Beyond sad. I realized how lucky we are to have or to have had our loved ones for as long as we have. I am lucky for the years I had with Gary that many will never get.
My thoughts are focused almost constantly on wanting to move back to California, but I cannot sell my house this soon anyway. I want to go to other places this summer too. I am going to get to the Sierras, because I have never been there and I want to see it. I will use my timeshare points to escape the heat for 2-3 day trips to nearby resorts, then I have trips planned with friends and with my mom in the fall.
My mom was talking about a woman who is about 10 years older than me who travels alone often. Her husband doesn't want to go with her on trips so she just books and goes on her own or sometimes with another woman friend. She stays in hostels, travels on trains all over the world. THAT is something I would like to try. Gary would not have been able to travel as much because he would still be working and wanted to work as long as possible. Would I have been as brave as this woman is to go on my own? Now that I am solo, it may be time to find out!
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Footnote- now that my plans of traveling were cancelled because of surgery, I think about the fire in Yosemite that is still sputtering. Maybe it wasn't meant to be this summer anyway....
