Its been one month since my last entry. Its been one year since my husband died.
In the past month, I have been to Sedona with friends and to Minneapolis to visit family. Both were good times. All the while I was thinking what today, October 17, would be like for me.
My only idea of this one year anniversary, or 'sadiversary' is from grief group participants who were dreading it, anxious about it or otherwise felt like they were going to walk off a cliff on the actual day.
Yes, in the past few weeks, I have relived parts of Gary's last month of life.At this one year point after the shock, I think I can look at what it was like for us somewhat objectively and less emotionally. I didn't say totally without emotion or pain, of course.
I have a new counselor. She is not a grief counselor with hospice. She works with persons with chronic diseases, of which Parkinson's is one, and with grief/loss. She is drop dead gorgeous, and I like that she lets me prattle on waaaayyy past the usual session allowance. I store up stuff for 2 weeks so that I can unload on the only person I talk to here in Phoenix.
My counselor asked me what I was planning for today. I couldn't come up with an answer. I know that months ago, even weeks ago, I was planing to spread Gary's ashes into the Pacific. Then panic set in about money that I'd spent in Minneapolis and I didn't dare buy gas to go to California.
Another reason not to go is the community garage sale here on Saturday. I missed the one last fall by being up in Sioux Falls planning Gary's memorial and the one in the spring was a weekend I was in Minneapolis. So I have to suck it up and try to sell more of Gary's tools.
I know this all sounds very matter of fact, but now that the day is over, I know I've cried more today than I have in weeks. Every nice message on facebook is just too much. A call from my son today, my sister last night and messages from Gary's sister and brother tonight...
