I finally got my health insurance lined up for 2014. THAT took a huge part of nearly every day for the months of October and November. The downside is that I will have to travel to South Dakota to go to the doctor since I am a resident of that state. Getting through the hurdles to get it all squared away was tops on my list of worrisome irritants.
I finished up my 14 weeks of physical therapy mid November. I hated going, but it was really beneficial and I can tell I have stiffened up. Gotta get those bands out and work it again.
I am going to the last of my appointments with my counselor on the 23rd. I cannot see her anymore because my new insurance will not cover them in 2014. I will miss her greatly.
Other un-fun events were learning that two people that Gary and I were close to are divorcing. I am so lucky to not have had to go through that sad experience. Like death, it leaves a person changed forever, and not always for the better.
Of course, there was the anniversary of Gary's death on Thursday, October 17th. I had been up to Minneapolis the week before because my thoughtful son and daughter in law thought I should not be alone on the anniversary. We went to a Minnesota Wild game and afterward saw one of 'our' old Junior Hockey players who spent countless hours over 2 seasons at our house. Our own host players always liked Mike and his host family lived nearby our east Sioux Falls home. That same night my daughter in law asked questions about Gary and about my thoughts on, well, basically death, dealing with death and living after Gary's death. No one can ever, ever be an expert on widowhood, and every day still is a new realization of how much I have lost.
So on October 17th, I had a coupon for El Pollo Loco which Gary and I both liked. I went up and got what *I* always ordered, a salad. Gary's order would have been the 2 piece combo with sides of black beans and a salad. His drink was diet coke and occasionally a lemonade. He always, always got a refill on his way out of the restaurant. He always liked to eat inside a restaurant instead of taking it home especially if we were traveling or driving. I don't think he was ever without a drink in the truck. Now that I have no Gary and no truck to go places in, I took my meal back to the house and ate it. Sitting alone in restaurants in the evening does not interest me and makes me sad. I did a short but never completed post that I left as a draft until today when I posted it in its unfinished state. So be it.
I did not and still can not spread Gary's ashes anywhere. Why? I don't know. Maybe because Gary has no 'place of rest' I want to hang on to them. Feng Shui rules state that one should not keep the ashes of the deceased in the house because it is a reminder of death. Brilliant observation. I have since had conversations with others about the merits of putting cremains in a burial place or mausoleum and I agree it would be a nice, but expensive luxury to be able to do this. My goal is still to scatter some, but not all of them in the Pacific. I think now that I will probably do this alone since none of our family is 'into' this sort of ritual.
In November, on the day after Thanksgiving, I would have had the opportunity to scatter Gary's ashes in the ocean in Port Hueneme, Ventura and later in San Luis Bay, CA. Robbie and I drove up for a week on the central coast. We were to meet my mom at the Santa Barbara airport on the 29th and so while waiting for her arrival, Gary's best friends( Robbie and I) strolled on the beaches and ports where Gary and I had gone on trips previously. As I drove the streets that we had driven on before with him in the truck, I was struck that the last time my eyes had seen those same sights, Gary's eyes were seeing them for the last time. I always realized how LUCKY I was to be able to go to these beautiful places and see these beautiful scenes. I hope Gary felt the same. I think he did, but he was not about to get sentimental about getting to go to the beach as part of his job.
The point of the 5 day trip to San Luis Bay was a gift to my mom for her 84th birthday. We went to Hearst Castle and spent hours on the grounds taking pictures and taking in the warm weather and fantastic views. We ate fish and chips in Morro Bay, bought coats with The Rock embroidered on them, and Robbie got his picture taken with Santa on a busy Saturday in beautiful downtown Arroyo Grande. We went to the port of Avila Bay and ate at the fish market where you sit at a table that is actually a glass window into the water below. Seals and fish glide around the barnacle covered posts of the pier. That evening, eating fresh caught seafood there was the highlight of that trip in my opinion. Gary would have loved it at least as much as my mom and I did.
Since I drove up to Avila, my mom rode with me back to Peoria. We made the 10 hour trip with ease as I chose the route through the high desert, passing through Lancaster and Palmdale then down through the Cajon Pass and into Redlands. I had to stop at Crafton Park so Robbie could enjoy a walk in 'his' old park. His nose could not get enough of the smells he knows so well in the grass in that park. My mom and I drove past 2 of our houses there and over the Crafton Hills into lower Yucaipa to stop at the produce stand that always has fresh California grown apples, oranges and vegetables. As I drove back in my old 'hood, I felt so comfortable and in my element that I had to remember that I had South Dakota plates on my car and not California. Wish it were not so...
Once back at the house in Peoria on the 4th, I packed for Sioux Falls for a 10 day stint working at a family friend's store while they vacationed in Florida. I left on the 6th and Mom stayed back in AZ with Robbie and to tend my garden and flowers. In turn, I stayed at her house in Sioux Falls. I got the short end of that stick because the arctic front which dropped temps into the 30's in Arizona, were bone chilling in SD to say the least. I had forgotten how painful it is to have frozen toes and fingers, and how your eyes water like you are crying when you walk in wind that makes the effective temp 30 below zero. 10 days of wind and snow! I hated every one of them- and winter is just beginning! I know why Gary thought I should move back up there so that I could be where our families are, but I am stubborn and just don't want to go back there permanently. I will visit, but never want to live there again. Sioux Falls has changed so much, I do not feel at home in the least there.
So, after my 22 hour marathon return visit which included 4 flights from Sioux Falls, to Denver to Kansas City to Denver and finally Phoenix, I am back. Listening to Pandora with the doors standing open on this nice 78 degree day with my little dog at my feet. I sure missed Robbie. He is a warm furry reminder of Gary's and my life as a threesome.
I am still in such an undecided state of mind as to sell this house and move. Where to go? I would love to be closer to family, but I selfishly wish they would just move to California to make my life easy!
My sister in law asked me if it seemed like such a long time ago since Gary died. In fact, I feel the opposite. It amazes me that it has been 14 months. I still catch myself thinking of 'us' and 'our' future life as we get older. I listen to music and the lyrics remind me of how much I MISS having Gary to lay my head on his warm chest and drape my arm across him. How I miss hearing and feeling his heartbeat in my ear. No, it has not been long at all.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, Gary et al
