Nature Does Not Hurry

                       

"Nature does not hurry,  yet everything is accomplished."

-Lao Tzu

 

 Creak!!  Creak!!  My fingers are not used to typing anymore.  Its been so long since I've blogged that I feel like I should get out an English textbook to read how to construct sentences again!

A lot has happened in the past few months, but in some ways not much has happened if you take the long view of things.

Back in May, J and I took a nearly three week road trip up to see family in 5 states and attend his 50th high school reunion in 'Tinytown', NE. We made 8 stop 'n stays along our route.  J got to meet my son, DIL and the grandkids in MO.  We spent time with all but one of his brothers and got to see all my siblings and a new grand niece.  It was such a cool treat to be away from summer heat in May and a little of June.

When we got back home to the waiting dogs, we did an overnight down in Tucson to see a James Taylor concert on Father's Day.  Awesome! 

Our next little trip was right before the 4th when we escaped the heat again to Pinetop. If there is heaven in AZ in June, it is in Pinetop.  It rained for most of 3 days.  We loved it. Ya can't get enough of those dreary cloudy days and 60 degree temps.

Back in the summer heat drudgery here now, but looking forward to our next getaway north of Payson, AZ and this time the dogs will get to come enjoy cooler days with us.

The next Big Trip is in August when J and I will spend five days in Maui then fly over to Kaui for seven more. The second part of the trip will be in a condo that we will share with my mom.  She is looking forward to her fist visit back to Hawaii in 40+ years and her first to Kaui.  This is my and J's first extended visit there too.  Other than a stop on a cruise ship, neither of us have been there. 

So J has this yearly bike trip tradition with his brother from NE.  This year they are going to drive to central Iowa and ride some trails there for a week or so.  It will be just those two on their trip.  I will stay behind with the dogs, but I may cut loose and go somewhere myself that week before flying up to get J and swing down to see the grandkids then heading up to see my mom for a few days and attend a wedding.

Am I writing a Christmas Letter here or what?  Its not all hindsight, but darn close.

We need to get up to northern CA to visit J's kids and granddaughter in October.  Maybe a train trip this time(?)  I dread the 14 hour drive one way.  UGH. We will again be going to California in November for a stay in Avila Bay on the Central Coast.  I'm looking forward to that trip already!! I went there a year after Gary died and met up with my mom who stayed with me.  It was a good trip with a visit to Hearst Castle. I hope the weather is as nice this November as it was 3 years ago.

Our 2017 plans are coming together with trips to Utah and Mexico so far.  A cruise to New Zealand is in the works, but when to go??

So why am I writing, you ask.  Last week I put up a share on facebook that had really hit me.  It was a piece written by Liam Neeson about his wife who passed away suddenly.  It is a fairly short piece and what sticks out to me is this part:
 
We have to stop and be thankful for our spouses. Because, life is very short. Spend time with your spouses. Treat them well. Because, one day, when you look up from your phone, they won't be there anymore. What I truly learned most of all is, live and love everyday like it's your last. Because, one day, it will be. Take chances and go live life. Tell the ones you love, that you love them everyday. Don't take any moment for granted. Life is worth living.”

Neeson kept his feelings private for 5 years.  Now, in 2016 he wrote this. It is relevent to me because when I read it, I had just passed my original wedding anniversary with Gary on July 12th.  I posted the piece on my facebook page and several people who worked with or knew him wrote beneath it.  Gary is still very much part of my life as he was in those persons' lives. I have not cried in a few months about losing him, even though there is an empty feeling when I do think of him, which is every single day.  I still miss him.  I miss laughing the way he made me laugh and I miss his creativity of thought and his gift of being able to make something beautiful from merely an idea. God, he was skilled. I will forever admire the many things he could do that no one else could or will ever be able to do. He was particularly special, IMO.

So, one anniversary last week and my new anniversary is this week.  We will be going to a very expensive restaurant that I would never go to otherwise. J and I want this day to be part of our memories, yes, but also to mark a really fantastic first year together.  How lucky can one person get to have TWO talented, caring, attentive men marry me in one single lifetime?!  Its dang cool, is all I can say and its amazing that it is ME that gets to experience this.

All the tiny needling 'stuff' that goes in and out of my head is so superfluous when I think of the most important things in my life: people.  Husbands.  These men are BOTH the loves of my life.
  
I look back and wonder at how worried I was about all the stuff I've gone through mentally and physically.  And here I am now, living a really blessed life that I would never have thought possible. 

And yes Mr. Neeson, I DO tell my dear husband that I love him.  Multiple times.  Every day.
 
So this brings me to the quote above that I (of course) pulled from my teabag today, "Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished."  Ain't that the truth!  We can worry ourselves sick or go crazy trying to bend the course of nature to our idea of what's right.  But why?  It all turns out in the end-- even more amazing is it usually turns out to be what's right for us, too!



 

Project Manager

Welp, its been a long, long time since I typed some of my thoughts down here.  Don't know why today is the day or why last month or last week was not the time, but here I am.

So much has changed yet there is somewhat of a pattern to my days.  There are days that drift slowly and others which roll toward evening at warp speed.  Weeks pass quickly because there is always something to get done and someplace to make plans to get to.

In January, the Mr. 'n I went to Florida to spend four days before embarking on a nine day eastern Caribbean cruise.  We spent one day in St Pete then it was on to Orlando to go to Epcot and another full day in Disney Hollywood Studios.  I gotta say I had a blast with hubby.  He is much more like a kid with this stuff than Gary was.  His enthusiasm is catchy, whether its for rides or zoos or movies.  Its like a living a second teenagerhood; one very unlike my real teen dating years.  This one is tons 'o fun.  And the idea of making love sans guilt or regret with someone you deeply love is the piece de resistance-- ooh la la! ;)

I've always been kind of a stick in the mud about spending money on what I deem frivolous. These are things like expensive restaurants, clothes, jewelry, and entertainment such as movies and amusement parks.  Just like with groceries, if ya don't have a coupon or its not on sale or on clearance, then you just don't buy it.  Its been that way so long that this is a hard thing to break from. But I am working on this.  Experiences ARE worth spending money on.  Especially new experiences or experiences you may never get the chance to do again.  Because hubster is nine years older than me, and especially since I have seen death come to someone dear who died too young, I want to grab at every gold ring that comes my way.  I hear the clock ticking...

So yeah, four days in a great resort condo where Mr. won a nice thick white cotton robe sporting the Diamond Resorts International logo, and where we enjoyed a dinner, free drinks and played casino games, we departed Orlando back to Tampa where we began our cruise.  First stop, Key West.  I was so looking forward to getting back to one of my favorite spots that Gary and I have ever gone.  This time, the weather was about as bad as it could be and we had our visit cut short by hours due to pouring rain and wind.  We schlepped about two miles on foot in the rain to the southernmost point marker, snapped a picture of our drowned rat selves and raced back up to a bar so we could drink authentic Mojitos.  We took two pieces of key lime pie to go back onto the ship to eat in comfort.

Our next stop was supposed to be a privately owned beach on Haiti, but our stop was cancelled due to political unrest and protests which spilled out into the water when the previous ship stopped there the day before.  Booo Hisss(for us).  So, another day at sea.  One of the reasons we chose this particular cruise was for the number of days at sea.  I love cruising and so does my Mr.  We ended up with some super nice dinner partners and spent many hours with one couple our ages, playing cards, trivia and of course eating.
The next stop was San Juan, Puerto Rico, which was really nice; much nicer and cleaner than I was expecting.  We did our own walking tour, bought an umbrella for the light morning rain and ate lunch at a restaurant near a large art school.  I'd go back there in a sec given the chance. As I sit here typing, I look at the watercolor print I bought there.  This is what I do now when I visit places, I buy art prints of the city or town so I can decorate the house with visual memories of where we've been.

Our last port was the island of St. Maartin for one day. We WILL be revisiting there at length some day.  Our day was spent  aboard a Windjammer sailboat  snorkeling a short while in rather cloudy water due to recent storms. Then it was out on the water with the sail up.  Our two deckhand guides were very entertaining and showed us around the bay while name dropping all the international sports and movie stars who have homes and boats on the island.  We even got an up close view of the America's Cup racing ship, Stars and Stripes which was out racing a Canadian sailboat that day. Beautiful.

The day we got on our flight to return home, Mr's throat hurt. We had just gotten over colds before our trip.  Not another one!! Anything is possible when one is exposed to that many people and places.  After a week, I succumbed to The Cold myself.  We had to cancel dinner dates with friends.  My cold which is now entering its fourth week, is still winding down.  The most remarkable thing about this horrid cold is the headaches I get.  Never have I had such awful headaches for days on end.

On February 12th, despite the cold, this couple went to a Trace Adkins concert.  This was a gift to my country music fan man.  I didn't know a single song, since I am NOT a country fan, but it was very enjoyable and I'm glad I went. The next day, still sick, still coughing and trying to stay ahead of the throbbing headache and sore throat, we went to the Renaissance Festival near Gold Canyon, AZ, about hour's drive away.  The Pleasure Feast and the entire day at the faire was much better than I expected, again, because my sweetie makes this stuff more fun with his 'lets do it' attitude.  I would never have sat through any of the entertainment with Gary, he thought it was all absurdly ridiculous and a waste of money, so therefore I did too.  Not anymore.  There is so much out there to enjoy if you just give it a chance.

Our days now are spent at home with projects to be completed before the ugly heat of summer sends us back on the road to escape to cooler places.  My handyman is currently rebuilding a bench for our front porch.  We are also going to be getting some new cabinets in the kitchen to increase storage space.  New flooring may happen this spring too, but we'll have to see when the cabinets get installed. Mr. is willing to build a new bedroom set for our master bedroom but I want him first to wire in some new ceiling fans and make a bench for our dining room table.  He recently made us a 2-person L shaped desk using pipes and IKEA desk tops, one of which we scored from the As Is room at a good price(via me, hubster 2 is learning from hubster 1 about the As Is room).  New pipe shelving is in the offing for over our new desk in the office. I love the industrial look and my woodworking man will do anything I ask as long as he understands what I want it to look like.

Amongst the plans and projects we manage to spend some time visiting with friends, watching TV, playing cards, hiking, walking, lying in bed(we ARE still newlyweds) and going out to eat.  Last night we went to Maggiano's Little Italy and brought home an insane amount of leftovers and dishes of our Dinner For Two. We sat on the outside patio on the warm Friday evening weather, sipping our drinks and enjoying our appetizers, dinner and desserts. As I looked in my sweet husband's face I could see in his eyes the thought,
"Life is Good."

And my own thoughts?


             ✓Great Food
                       ✓Great Weather
                                ✓Great Company with the best man on earth
                                         ✓Great Life

Three Things

I read and listen to some insights from people who have what I think are worthwhile ideas. 

A common thread that I read from blogs and emails from these people is the act of gratefulness in ones own life.  The stem cell of kindness, thoughtfulness and generosity toward oneself and toward others starts with gratefulness.  Gratefulness begets a feeling of wellbeing and is the seed that leads to a happier existence.

Isn't a happy existence kind of what we all strive for from the time that we enter adulthood?

Happiness or fulfillment is what drives us to choose a mate, our occupations, and our place to live in the world. 

I have to admit I am quite happy.  But this Happy Thing is a practice that I need to keep working at.

One way is by Three Things.

Three Things is a daily exercise that we could all be doing, not as a drudgery or obligation, but as a Joie de vivre for ourselves and ultimately for others.

What is Three Things?  Its simply thinking of and writing down three things that you are thankful for in your life.  Every day, preferably in the morning you think of the best of your days, your life, your people etc.  Every day you write these three things down because you cannot reuse them.  Each day is a new opportunity to stretch and think of the three best whatevers that you are most grateful to have or be a part of. 

I am a newbie at this but it is becoming a habit.  It really does help banish negativity and helps give a new perspective of your lucky little self.
I am told that this simple act radiates out toward others in a positive way.  I can't attest to this yet, but I am hopeful. Showing kindness is a good thing. Being positive is a good thing.   But not just in the old platitude of 'think positive'.  Thankfulness helps you see the good parts of yourself and others.  You do really start to see just how lucky you are to be the person you are and to have the people and things you have.

Try Three Things every morning for awhile.  What have you got to lose?  One bad attitude?

YOLTwice

"You only live once."

Or do we?

Isn't life funny?
We wake up each morning and we think we have it all figured out.
Like who we will spend our lives with, how we will spend our time, how we will live and act; all according to plan, right?

Then we are thrown a curve and we enter a new life. One in which the playbook that worked so well before doesn't work anymore.
So... Maybe we only live life twice.

This is certainly the second go round in my existence.

That was brought home to me this weekend when hubster was 'stricken' with the same cold that I succomed to last week.  Except I had the woman's version of a cold.  Treat the headache, sore throat, and suck on Cold Eze to make the symptoms last for as short a time as possible.  Get up, get dressed, get out and pretend you are not sick.  Yep, that's the way we females do it.

For his part, hubby was sympathetic for my ailments but nothing else changed.

Flash forward one week to the day.  "Ohhhhhh.  >ahem< I have a sore throat".  It snowballs from there to a full blown cold a la my cold, but this time its the MAN version.
The man version of this cold means all outings stop.  No unnecessary movement (aka work) is performed.  Shoes are no longer worn as only slippers are needed. I am the proud mama of a retired man-baby.

Yes, my Deere did warn me how he would act when the stray illness came around and I did play into it all willingly.  My new baby soaked up the attention I gave him.  I administered the cold remedies, kept lozenges, kleenex, ice water within easy reach should he need them. I gave him snacks, tea, hot chocolate and I put up with his grizzled old man look and the awful sounds of him blowing green snot into lotion tissues.  I made homemade chicken soup and fed him breakfast in bed. Day two of The Cold had my baby on the couch under a blanket with his head on a bed pillow watching his extensive collection of James Bond movies. This guy came with a plethora of movies of all kinds- one of the nice bonuses.  He had told me that when he gets sick or colds he watches James Bond even though he has seen each of the movies many times.  This day he chose You Only Live Twice.  I had not seen it in its entirety so it was entertaining for me and a sleeping pill for him.  Neither of us left the house.

Day three of The Cold began with breakfast in bed for the cold victim, followed by a movie called Unbroken(really good, btw), a new round of cold medications and then a day of football watching while covered with the wool throw. My baby stirred only to use the bathroom.

I had to get away for a walk and I took Robbie outside in the pleasant 70 degree day.  We both had cabin fever.  While out walking I reflected on the differences between this life I live now compared to the old life I had just a year ago.

There are advantages and there are disadvantages in Life I and Life II.  There are still sooo many times when I notice I compare this man to the man of my old life. Just for example, Gary would not have been as likely to lie around if he were sick.  And I would never have waited on him for just a cold as I do my new husband.  Every day I come to grips with the fact that I will never again have a person like I did and I also think I'll always be jolted by that fact.

I have to reinvent my life every morning now.  I have to make choices on how I want to live and how I want to act.  Its hard to think like a married person again.  I want some of the single woman lifestyle I used to enjoy.  Like having to make food that pleased only me and helped me lose 84lbs.  Now with another person and a totally different metabolism to think about, it is a challenge I haven't figured out how to conquer yet.

There is also joy and fun and anticipation in me when I think of my future -our future- though.  That's what keeps me going and looking forward to a good year of a new and improved life to live. I know I am lucky and I am reminded of this all the time.

Now if you will excuse me, I have someone I care very much about to get to bed.

Inspiration

Why 'Strength In Letters'?

Because I have math anxiety for one, although I do love planning and making my budget, which requires simple math skills.
Mostly I chose this title because letters make up words and words make up pictures and I am a picture kind of person. So, letters GOOD, numbers baaaad.

I have often used the Yogi brand teabag tags for inspiration before. In fact, I find them to be thought provoking every time I open one.  The message shown above was on the ginger tea I swallowed this evening in effort to stem the tide of a cold I got two days ago.

I work at trying appreciate the things I have, but I think I fall short of appreciating my own self which means honoring my soul is hard to get my mind around. But I keep up the attempts.

If you want to be inspired, there are sources all around us on every medium and from every genre. My favorites include the instagram writings and photos from Jade Teta, Meta Effect, Jillfit, and the blog posts by Marc and Angel Hack Life, Christina Rasmussen to name just a few.  I cannot imagine a world without the inclusion of the internet to deliver the insights of these people.

Do I need inspiration?  Oh yeah baby.  I need it bad.  I am coming off a three month layoff from my exercise routine due to two things: 1) Being married and in love with a man whom I love to lie around in bed with in the mornings(and the afternoons and evenings).  And 2) having had a bad bout with shoulder rotator cuff problems which sent me to the orthopaedic doc.  I was hoping against hope that this would not lead to surgery on my left shoulder after I had had the same surgery 2 years ago on my right shoulder.  Yippee Skippy! I got Physical Therapy prescribed for as long as I need it on the left shoulder. I've been going for the last month now and it is better, but not 100%.  Then again, maybe this is the new 100% for me(?)  Anyone who is an exercise enthusiast will know that when you are laid up, it is hell. What do you do to fill the time- why eat of course!  Jade Teta will tell you that there are two ways to lose fat. Eat less, exercise less.  Or, you can Eat more, Exercise More.  But there is no third way called Exercise less, Eat More, so there ya go.  You can't have your couch potato life and eat it too.

Over this last month, the hubby and I have watched every Star Wars movie in chronological order  so I could be brought up to speed with the saga and can now enjoy the latest episode in theaters.  We are going to see it this Saturday when the tickets are just 5 bucks at the local AMC theater with reclining leather seats. So what if its 8:45 in the morning- we'll have breakfast and a movie, not dinner and a movie. Hubby says I am a cheap date which makes me proud.

When I watch the Star Wars movies, I am reminded at how visually repulsive the Jabba The Hut character was.  Getting the mental picture are you?

That "Jabba The Hut look" is how I feel now since being away from my customary workout routine due to this shoulder stuff.  Now comes the hardest part of all- being inspired enough to go on without the shame and self loathing that only drags me down further. With the help of my 'inspirers' I will get through this and get on to the life I want for myself again.

The Party's Over

Yes, the party's over and we are in Hawaii!  It is a sad last day on Maui, though and we are heading to the airport tonight for our all night return flight home.

Its been a good trip with lots of talking, listening and learning.  Lots of advice, insight and exposed feelings.  For me, its been a week packed with love and the give and take that comes with it.

I don't think anyone will ever realize what it is like to be given a new life with a new person who is just so thoughtful and giving toward me.  It just wasn't supposed to happen to me and I cannot believe I am so lucky.  To go from feeling like I would never love again, never BE loved again to being hopelessly IN love with this person is still mind boggling.

So I look at my husband as we drive by car to all the activities we had planned, and I revel in the feeling of satisfaction and gratitude that I am with him.

We were given a gift by my family of a snorkeling trip to the Molokai crater which also included a trip to 'Turtle Town' which was another snorkeling trip to see more beautiful sea life including sea turtles.  I was happy that I was able to see such things in a way I had never seen them before.

We went to a dinner magic theatre named Warren and Annabelle's.  I have not laughed so much in years.  The food was fantastic and the people we ate with were fun and nice.

-------------------------------

Well...  that was that.  The last entry of  ThisSongIsOver.  Its abrupt end is coming about because I wish to continue my thoughts in a new direction.  Even though its still 'MY life after HIS death', my life is much more than that.  So I now launch the new blog by the name of Strength In Letters. I hope you will continue to follow it with interest.

House of Cards

Where the heck have I been you may ask.  Well, living my new life is kinda time consuming and is a full time job I reply.  Sometimes, as much as I want it to be a part of my life, this blog takes a back seat to reality.


I am a competitive person and I do not like to lose.  Games, even the kind that are 'just for fun' are meant to be won(IMO) and I want to be that winner.  Every time.  Seriously.
Often, JZ and I go over to a neighbors' house and play Left Right Center or some other card game. The evening includes much wine and other imbibing of food and spirits.  JZ doesn't like wine, so he drinks hard lemonade or hard root beer.  mmmmm  Root Beer.  Tis indeed good stuff!
As a trainee to the card game of golf, JZ was my coach.  We practiced at home one evening and I found out just how much of a sore loser I can be.  No wonder my kids are like they are- because they are like me!  Win or go home is my feeling when it comes to games.

With a group of people, I am less apt to take it so hard when I am not number one.  This is easier on my psyche and JZ probably likes that too.  He has admitted that he gets frustrated with me at times.   He is up for game nights with our neighbors at the drop of a hat.  He calls them his 'harem' and I see him relishing the hugging they all give him at the end of the evening when the party breaks up.  Ahhh life is good.

I am more in love with my husband as time goes by.  He is onto my way of lovingly sarcastic jabs and he can fire back with puns and sarcastic humor on his own now.  I love his sense of humor!

We have traveled over to California to meet friends and spread Gary's ashes in the Pacific.  It was not a particularly solemn event.  We got up but did not get to the beach until full daylight and the surfing community was out in full force already.  I chose when and where to empty the bag of cremains into the ocean and I took pictures which I forwarded onto our sons.  It was weird to return home afterwards to a house that has no tangible evidence of Gary's presence anymore.  I miss that, yet I am at peace with Gary's physical absence.
Just tonight I ran across the photo video which Gary's brother put together for Gary's memorial services.  I played it and JZ and I watched it.  It was the first time he had seen it and the first time in 18 months that I had seen it.  Afterwards, we stood and hugged without saying a word to each other.  Nothing had to be said.  This is a good thing.

The reception preparations continue to drag on and it is constantly on my mind.  JZ admonishes me for making this into more than he thinks it should be and more than I thought it would become.  It is fun though and I would do the same thing if it had been held on the same day as my wedding, so what the heck.  Still, I am so happy that people I hold dear are making the trip to see us and share our happiness.  This makes it all worthwhile. This is why we do these things anyway, right?

The reward is the finality of our marriage and the realization that we really are a permanent couple.  Sealed with a honeymoon to Hawaii 2 days after our reception, I look forward to my future.

Loose Beginnings and Loose Ends

I think about this blog all the time.  There is still so much I want to get out and put into writing about my thoughts and activities.  I must be so much less candid now though because what I do and say and think as a wife is deeply personal.  In some ways, my dear husband is an outlet to what I used to pour out into this blog.  We spend a lot of time talking.  Well, let me rephrase that, I spend a lot of time talking and he listens a LOT.  What a kindness he shows in this way.  There are so many questions I face him with. Some are superfluous, some are actually burning questions about life and what his opinions are about life matters. I have had to learn patience and wait and listen for his answer and as I have said before, he is a contempletive guy who thinks before speaking so I wait and wait.  Sometimes there is no answer at all and I have learned that this means he is saying 'no'. Dear JZ hates to tell people 'no' so he puts it off or avoids it entirely.  Lucky lucky me to have such a person who talks and listens and is patient with me and with US. He treats our relationship as a living thing that needs to be given time and room to grow.

Life is a rush for me nowadays.  I feel rushed to get a lot accomplished in an effort to ultimately slow down.  I am seeking out a more placid lifestyle but it just ain't happening-yet.

One of the bummer annoyances is that I had to get a new engagement/wedding ring set.
While visiting my sister in Colorado, she noticed that there were tiny diamonds missing from the ring.  When we got home I studied it with my reading glasses on and sure enough, three tiny diamonds were gone.  I dreaded sending the ring back to the JC Penney warranty jeweler in Dallas, Texas for a minimum of three freakin' weeks.  Ridiculous!  I took the ring to a local jeweler whom I know and trust(the family is from Minnesota and the son-in-law is from Sioux Falls).  By then, I was missing FOUR diamonds and more were in peril of coming out.

Screw it. The bad design and poor workmanship were never going to be made perfect so I returned the ring and got my money back.  I found an estate diamond in the case at the local jeweler and we ordered the settings for the new wedding and engagement ring set.  The result is a one of a kind set that I love and it means more to me because Z was with me when I picked it all out. It came out much nicer for the money than the first one to boot!

JZ and I have developed a pattern of activities and generally go hiking together on Sundays.  We decided to take a challenging hike in our own Peoria city preserve just three miles from our house.  The trail was indeed an up and down challenge.  For once, I was following instead of in the lead of JZ on the way down to the end but I fell in slow motion when I started to get careless with my steps. Down I went on my hands and one knee.  The left hand had a nasty gash and some rocks embedded in it as did my left knee.  After three weeks, the hand is still healing with some delays due to my workouts which put pressure on it when I do yoga and pushups. I am going to buy gloves for my hands since we are pretty cemented in doing hikes together and sometimes with friends at least once a week.

The other demand on my time is the planning of our reception party which is just as detailed as planning a wedding.  I am so glad that we split these two events up the way we did! The more time one has to plan, the more expensive it seems to get.  I keep finding things to add for accessories and food ideas that were never a part of the original intent.

JZ's and my life became more complicated when he finally listed his home for sale and two buyers appeared after just one day.  Its been a lot of running back to the old house to get things that his kids want to keep and making counter offers to the people who want to buy the contents of the home.  A nice problem to have, you say.  Still, its a hassle I will be glad to be done with when that home is out of the picture.

JZ has made headway on getting his workshop moved into the new space in our garage.  He is meticulously planning and arranging his tools in the new alcove and on the walls of new pegboard he installed over the new electrical outlets he wired in. I am so gratified to see some of Gary's tools being used by my new husband in such a careful way.  JZ really is a treasure in the way that he appreciates valuable items. He now also has to painstakingly pick through boxes of pictures and 'stuff' to sort and pack away to haul up to his son and daughter in the van. That will probably not happen until we return from our October honeymoon though.

And then there is the monumental task of taking on a new identity of Mrs Z and changing from Marsha Hopper with all the garbage of faxing and mailing and attaching proof of marriage. That's mixed in with changes to passport waiting at DMV and Social Security for the meetings required to finally become an Arizona resident and a new name to go with it. Insurances change, bank accounts, wills, trusts- the list is still long of people to notify of my new status. Plus, its not cheap.  There is a cost to everything. Even Robbie has to change his residence to Maricopa County and to his new owner's name.

The reward for all this is realizing that every day forward I get to live a great life with a sweet man who loves me more now than when we were married a few weeks ago.  If anything, I feel I am more in love as time goes by.  I am 'getting' his humor and he is understanding of my jabs(all in jest) at him.  We spend our days doing what we must, while also doing what we want to do with our time.  We have FUN doing simple things like going out to second run movies, going on date nights, going out for breakfast and often just lying around. We exercise together three times a week and still attend the meetup trivia singles group where we met each other. Afterwards we go with several of the group members to Yogurtini- the best yogurt shop in the world!  Watching movies and recorded programs from Tivo is part of our routine.  We play games on our phones and entertain on game nights with neighbors and friends.  Its a great life, and a life I could never have imagined a year ago.

My next task to tie up a loose end is to finally get Gary's ashes to the place they belong: in the Pacific Ocean.  This will be my sad/sweet duty this coming week as we travel to the coast for a couple of days.  Its been a long time coming. While there I want to get together with old friends over there. I look forward to proudly showing off to them, my good friend and husband.

One of the most important things for me is that, no matter what we are doing or where we are, JZ and I take time to talk and listen to each other's dreams.  The places we want to go, the things we want to see.  It all takes time, and we need to grab all we can while the grabbing is good.

How to make a love last

Whenever I'm alone I muse.  JZ went over to his old house to gather more of his tools and equipment to move them and reassemble his woodworking shop here at our abode. While he was gone, I got out the floor sweeper and steam mop to get the built up scum off the floor.  I just can't stand to walk on crumbs or sticky messes.  With two dogs and a husband contributing to the scum, I should be at this task every single day, but I am trying to relax just a tad in what has been termed an obsession for cleanliness(mom simply called it everyday cleaning).

So, as I methodically push the Hoover Floormate and watch for crumbs to suck up, I think.

Today's Theatre of the Mind presents:  How to make love last.  Specifically the love I live in and with now.  I love Love!  And I love being in love even though I know this will not always be the case.  That's the gift of having lived in a long marriage and seeing the changes that occur naturally in a relationship.  Gary and I didn't have a fairy tale marriage, but it was pretty darn nice and for the most part very, very rewarding and satisfying.  I can use Gary and Marsha as a model, but only to make my new marriage even better because I can never make it the same, nor would I want to.  My first life was a base for me to build this one on.

Its a puzzle that many experts tackle: How do you make a loving marriage last?  Some would say it can't last and its just not supposed to.  Humans are not meant to be monogamous, right?  Don't say that to JZ.  He has a propensity for commitment.  Like me, he was tested in his first marriage and he knows he can make a marriage stand the test of time.  He's very patient with me and with the cycles of life. Thank goodness that I found such a sweet partner with this invaluable trait!

Whether you buy into the whole horoscope thing or not, I think some of the stuff about my 'Taurus-ness' is true.  I am loyal and trustworthy.  I have tenacity and I don't give up easily.  I won't be giving into the throw away mentality some have concerning marriage.  Being lucky enough to be married to someone IS worth hanging in there, IMO.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I want to insert an item of import to me and JZ, since today, August 20th is his birthday. Its such a special birthday since it is the first time since he was in his twenties that he has had someone who celebrated his day of birth.  That makes it a big deal for me.  I want to show him how much he means to me and how his own special day is a great way to show him I love and appreciate him.  For those who don't know him, here is his horoscope and it is indeed a fitting one!!
If You Were Born Today, August 20

You are a hard worker, yet you also enjoy the comforts of home and family. Striking a balance between these two passions is important for your all-around happiness. You don't turn to others for advice or help very readily, simply because you find much satisfaction doing things on your own; yet you are also highly companionable. You enjoy conversation, friendly companionship, and a peaceful environment. You try to avoid discord as much as you can, and due to your graciousness and gentle manner, you usually succeed. You are excellent at strategy. You may cling to your lifestyle and don't make changes as readily as others. An overall feeling of stability is important to you. You are a very ardent, charming lover, and you may be drawn to partners who are emotional and a tad dramatic. 

Happy birthday to my dearest!! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So then, how to make the reason for the marriage(that's love, of course) last?
First off, you can't think of love as a fire or flame, because flames inevitably flame out.
The fuel that feeds the flame expends itself too fast and then sputters and dies.

Nope, I think love is kept alive if you think of it kind of as the glow plug on a diesel engine.  Always there, warm and ready to turn a sticky engine ignition with a chug and a roar.

Or maybe love needs to be thought of as a low watt night light.  Soft, and always there to keep you from stumbling into the door frame when you get up at night to go to the bathroom.

Hmmm more along that line of thought occurs to me as I steam up doggie footprints in front of the refrigerator.  I think that I need to treat our love as a string of low voltage lights illuminating the path at night.  It takes a low, slow and steady feed of energy to keep these comforting warm lights glowing, but with care, the string will keep the nights lit up for years with just the right amount of light to bring a sense of well being and peace to the darkness.

Is this MY backyard you ask?  Not hardly, but isn't it gorgeous?

Vive La Difference!

These days it feels like I am standing in the center of a merry go round as I watch the horses circle around me.  I can see the horses and the people and life beyond the whirling colors, but I must stand and wait for the music to stop so I can jump into and out of the spinning activity.

Don't get me wrong; Life is Good.
Its better than good in fact, its GREAT.  Just this morning as JZ and I lay in bed talking quietly as we slowly woke up, I said to him, "I am very rich." He understood exactly what I meant and agreed that we are both rich in what matters in life.

But this new life is still life and after what I've been through the last few months, I need to pause and take a breath.  Assess.
Find the 'me' that I can live with in addition to living my new life as a wife, partner and lover to a man again.

I love my husband, yet he is, after all, another human being with his own agenda, and that can run against the grain of my sometimes headstrong beliefs, hopes and irrational ideas-my absolutes.

We just returned from a great week away from the desert, visiting in Nebraska, South Dakota and Colorado.  We've logged many miles in cars and in airports and planes as we tried to hit all the high points and meet as many family and friends as humanly possible in 6 days.

I love my new in laws, that's for sure!  The Z family reunion we attended is a bi-annual event that takes in the hundreds of descendants from Germany to the south central Nebraska towns my husband and family grew up in.  These people are extremely well versed in their ancestors' names, vocations and the buildings and homesteads they lived in. I was and am very impressed.

My new father-in-law is quite proud of his heritage and, after meeting me, sat down next to me with the tome of dates, names and member pictures of the family name he carries after 150 years in this country.  My mother-in-law and father-in-law are nice to the max and I felt very welcomed. My new brothers-in-law(there are four of them) and their wives talked with me as if they had known me for a long time.  Acceptance is a warm fuzzy feeling and I am grateful to be feeling it.

My own siblings all met my new Mister and although I know it was sometimes tiring for Mr. Zed to repeat the same background checks and stories to each of his new in-laws, everyone got along in a positive and friendly manner.  I have heard nothing but praise for choosing such a nice man to share my life with.

Now begin the next steps.  We are back home and this is real life.  A new life where, as I adjust to him, he is also adjusting to me.  I know that we will forever be adjusting our sets right at the time of life when most people have settled into their little routine without giving much thought to the person they have shared it with for 40 to 50 years.

For me and JZ, its as if we are thrown back into our 20's as we learn how to maneuver around each other.  Can we accomplish this without causing the same irritations we experienced with our former spouses? That's the goal anyway- and its a lofty goal, too.

I am not perfect.  My dear husband is not perfect.  Our love and our life is not perfect.

But just think how perfectly boring it would be if they were!

JZ on Devils Bridge near Sedona, AZ

The Wait Is Over

Today I am filled with gratitude and ease.  I have the peace of mind of knowing that my forever is here.  I am so pleased and proud of my new husband.  Thankful doesn't begin to describe how I feel about what he has brought to my life- make that OUR LIFE.

I married a beautiful soul on July 22 in front of a judge and 4 friends.  It was the perfect fit for us to do it this way. No huge cost or arrangements that could fall into catastrophe.  I found a nice dress off the sale rack, we shopped for JZ's shirt and tie and found the perfect colors.  I made my own bridal bouquet and his boutonniere from Austria Maria flowers in the perfect color plucked from a bucket at Wal-Mart. Simple. Perfect.

JZ and I have spent so much time together in the last three months,  I feel I know him better than when I took the leap of faith and married Gary at age 18.  I know JZ better and JZ also knows me. Because at our ages, there is no facade we need to pierce, no secrets worth keeping from each other.  I have no fear of him knowing the deepest feelings I have and I  feel I can tell him everything and anything.  He is open and answers all my questions.  I love this man in more ways than I thought possible. And he keeps surprising me with more ways to love him.

We just plain fit.  Physically, its wonderful. Even our childhood memories meld well because our geographical references are close.  I don't find anything 'foreign' about his philosophies or the way he was brought up.  JZ is solid, mature, oh so practical and proud of his accomplishments including where he came from and who he is.  He's purposefully articulate, never vulgar, never condescending or belittling to me or anyone.

Its kind of cliche, but I really do feel like I've known him for a lonnnngggg time.  I've been waiting for him for longer than I knew.  But he's here and we found each other and we chose each other.  

He likes mayonnaise, old school country music, plays and musicals, the color blue(it matches his eyes),game shows, ice cream, and getting up early in the morning.  He drinks regular coffee, black; two- only two mugs a day. He doesn't like sushi, olives or most wine and beer. He loves Hawaii. He is not presumptuous in any way.  He listens and thinks before he speaks. He smiles a lot. I can even see him smiling in the dark sometimes. He is what the word sweet embodies. He is messy and acknowledges this, but this means he is also more relaxed than I am about perfection in housekeeping.  He requires me to be patient.  This is the best part of all, because when he does speak, he never lies, exaggerates or inflates his own ego. He reads historical novels.  He has so much knowledge of movies that I am lost when he refers to most of them.  Gary and I never saw a fraction of the movies he has seen in his lifetime.  But now  I can catch up, because we have forever. Together.

No one but a widower or widow can understand what connection we who lose our partners feel when we happen across that one other person searching for a new life partner.  It is just special.

Don't think we don't feel and see the doubt in others' eyes when they find out we married so soon after meeting.  We explain that the countless hours we have been together as retirees are different than the small segments of time that make up the traditional courtship.  Yes, JZ was expecting to spend time with some toads before he found his princess.  I too thought, after the toads I had picked up and thrown back into the weeds, that I'd be looking for another two years myself.  What we have just doesn't happen- and yet it did!

JZ is adamant about remaining anonymous and I respect his choice to have no pictures posted on facebook or anywhere else on the internet.  For that same reason, his name will be just his initials and my new last name will not be used when I can help it.

We're beginning our new life in what was my house and he is readying his former home for sale.  So many details remain to be ironed out financially for our road map to be realized, but we are on the way to making travel and fun a priority.  It takes an incredible amount of effort on both our parts to figure out each others' likes and dislikes, schedules and quirks.  Breaking down the duties of our marriage partnership is tough in a lot of ways; possibly more for me than him since I was alone longer and developed a way of going through my days doing what I wanted in the way I wanted.

JZ and I plan to stay in this area for the time being.  He is wiring the garage right now so he can move his woodworking tools and work space over to this garage.  He is anxious to resume his woodworking hobby in between indulging his biking and our hikes together. We have good neighbors and friends here and I am very comfortable in my 'hood.

Life is good.  Love is better.  The best is yet to come.

Sabbatical

I have been absent from blogging here by design.  I have taken a sabbatical from writing in favor of pursuing more knowledge and understanding about my relationship with DSJ and more importantly, with MYSELF.

I read a lot of happenstance psychology articles like Marc and Angel Hack Life and articles from Psychology Today. Even Instagram and blog entries from JillFit.com zero in on my situation nowadays. They seem to just appear in my inbox and although I don't always click to open them, the ones I do open are often valuable and usable insight to me. Inspiration is everywhere, from the teabags on my Yogi tea, and the random horoscopes I read.  Yes, I read everything.  Why put blinders on and limit oneself to only certain genres when wisdom and inspiration is around us in so many forms?

When DSJ returned from bike touring in Colorado last month, he and I had 10 happy and FUN days together learning more about each other before he took off again to Hawaii with his immediate family and some siblings of his wife's family to spend a week.  DSJ and his wife had gone many times to Maui before and had a special love for that island.  He knew she would want to be scattered there.  So one year after her death, on a chartered boat, the emotional day of scattering DSJ's first love's ashes came to pass.

I had said that I would 'go dark' for him that week so that he would not receive distracting texts from me that had no bearing on why he and her family were there at this time.
Instead, I sent emails daily and did not expect him to actually open them, but he did.
My emails were functional for me as I tend to work through things when I write, but I know that DSJ had to switch back and forth from paradise to my reality by reading them.  I regret outlining my own fears, doubts and hopes to him at this time.  He could not/did not always respond.  I should have given him the rope he needed to really do some thinking.  I should not have given into my demons. The gaps not hearing from him were tough.  The entire eight days of separation has been tough.

So, to suck it up and deal with it a little better, I have been immersed in a book titled, "Calling in THE ONE" by Katherine Woodward Thomas. It is about attracting love into ones life. It is actually a workbook which gives exercises each day on getting to the bottom of who we are, our personal history of why we think and act the way we do toward the opposite sex and that special someone. One thing I see in this is that it is more than just advice and constructive thought about romantic love, it is about the people we interact with in daily life;  our family, our friends and our neighbors.  Its about how we treat and think about ourselves and translate those thoughts into proactive energy to live happily and effectively with most everyone.

Perhaps 'calling in THE ONE'  may have already happened for me.  I certainly hope and think it has, BUT more importantly, I realize from reading this book that the one I really need to 'call in' is ME.  I'm about 1/3 into the book and there is not one thing yet about dating, meeting or anything.  Its all about me, me me. That's the way its supposed to be because we ourselves, hold back from living the way we were meant to live and being with the right person.  Every page of this book has inspirational sayings.  Today I read an appropriate one by Ken Keyes Jr.  : "A loving person lives in a loving world. A hostile person lives in a hostile world.  Everyone you meet is your mirror."

There's so much that I am on the edge of learning about myself because of failure and wounds.  The wounding of Gary dying, the wound of a failed relationship and the failure of a happy relationship with a family member.  Through this book, it is revealed to me that some of these wounds and failures are because trust was betrayed.  Betrayal of trust is one of the biggest and most common of failures we face in life.  Whether that betrayal come FROM us or happens TO us, the subsequent pain is sometimes never overcome.  There are ways to face this pain or the wound though, so that even if the other person affected cannot or will not get past it, I have the power to do that for myself.
 
Yes, I have tasks I want to complete to help me in my future life. It feels like my future begins Wednesday evening when DSJ steps off the plane and I meet him at the airport.  We each are just a little(maybe a LOT(?)) different people than we were last week at this time. It goes without saying that I am excited and happy beyond words. But the anticipation is tempered now with a more calm and grounded feeling of understanding that this loving relationship can be lasting and that it is something we can carefully make happen for ourselves rather than just fall into like quicksand.

I am again reminded of the little picture that my mom embroidered thirty years ago for Forrest's bedroom that read, "Please Be Patient, God isn't finished with me yet..."  The thing is, God is never finished with us, and we should never be finished or content with ourselves, either.  That's why its called living.

My Trifecta Troika

I really enjoy reading newspapers.  I decided to indulge in the luxury of receiving the paper edition of the Arizona Republic 3 days a week. Especially delicious is the Sunday edition which can take hours to peruse.  I can always find things that I think I want to keep to refer to later.  The entertainment section with concerts, plays, outdoor adventures and travel ideas is relevant to me now that I have the promise of someone special to share the possibilities of these events.
Another reason to like reading the traditional hard copy edition is that I can indulge in the art of browsing, allowing my eyes to land on articles and ads that I glance at and decide in a nano second whether to read further or skip on to something else.
I was reading the Saturday paper when my eyes saw a new word that I had never seen used before. Kudos to the writer for digging this one up. "Troika", is the word.  It was being used to describe foods.  As you can probably surmise, the base of the word infers , 'three'.  Here is the Merriam-Webster definition:

1:a Russian vehicle drawn by three horses abreast; also :  a team for such a vehicle

2:a group of three; especially :  an administrative or ruling body of three 

I was reminded of my late night last night when I thought of ways to use this word.  My night was pretty awful, actually.  It started out alright with me streaming music off Jango.  I was looking for just the right lyrics and a song which I could use to express how I had felt about my extraordinary weekend with DSJ so I could send him an email telling him how much he and our time together means to me.

Think of the most enveloping, warm fuzzy loving word you can imagine and that is how the entire weekend was!  It was truly one of the top three weekends I have lived in my entire life.  I existed in a candy jar of love and was treated to sweet lovely activities, both simple and exotic.  It was *our* weekend and we just flowed from one beautiful experience to the next effortlessly.  I don't care if you get the picture or not(TMI), because its burned in my memory. <<sigh>>.....three days of bliss spent with DSJ and his sweet little girl dog Chamois and of course Robbie.  It seems we are all meant to be together.  The dogs coexisted like old friends, as did the humans.

So I sent an email with my feelings and with the email, attached this song,

All was good.  I emailed the song and the message.  Then I started thinking about the conversation DSJ and I had had yesterday about the videos we used for our spouses' memorials.  Where the heck did I put Gary's, I wondered? I started digging in boxes and, as YouTube kept playing love song after love song, I became immersed in memories from pictures of Gary's and my life.

Then it happened.  I came upon a book that Gary kept as a journal to note his Parkinson's symptoms and health diary.  He kept it fairly regularly for 3 years. As I read Gary's handwriting, which I still love to look at, because it is just so 'him', I became very morose from what he wrote and what I read for the first time.  He kept track of his weight, blood pressure and what he experienced for symptoms from Parkinson's.  Medication changes were also noted along with the stress he felt at work; plus the ever present fatigue he felt.

What hit me especially hard was reading the entries during his bouts with what we would later recognize as pancreatitis, esophageal varices(internal bleeding) and pancreatic cancer.  Gary wrote down his diagnosis the day it happened and what he was thinking; how he told his employees and which doctors said what when. I never knew until last night what he was thinking and feeling.  He was in major pain, physically and emotionally.  How he chronicled it, I don't know.  I felt so low, because I never knew.  Of course I cried then and now I cry again to think of what he went through.  How I want to make it better in some way for dear Gary, even now!  I got out a towel and just cried into it like I haven't cried in months. I felt so alone, so empty and missing the lost love we shared.

When I finally shut the lid on the box of pictures, without having found the DVD of the memorial that I had started out looking for, it was 2am.  I crawled into my lonely bed and slept(if that's what you could call it) for three hours until my eyes opened as usual at 5am. I felt like I'd been on a two day bender, complete with headache.
  

Earlier today, after texting a request to DSJ to call me, he did.  No one else in the world understands my emotions like he can.  I don't mean to make him relive his own nightmare of his wife's death, since his is more recent, but it is so soothing to have someone who just listens and understands me.  I am incredibly grateful for the gift of having this man in my life!

DSJ offered to come over and sit with me, but I said no, because I know he has a lot to do around his house for maintenance etc. I blubbered my feelings over the phone, some of it was probably incoherent, but he got the gist and in his quiet way, offered what he can for assurances of support.  I don't mean to lean on him, because his wounds are fresher than mine, but he said yes, I should.  I want to be there for him now and in the future too.  There will be times, I assured him that he WILL fall down the rabbit hole into the dark of despair and I want to be there for him too.

Later, I texted my thanks to him for being him and for his unconditional love.  We have already decided that we are lovers, friends and partners, not necessarily in that order.  Sometimes we take on different roles as needed.

DSJ texted back to me this message:

"Listening is part of the job description for friends.  Lovers and partners have their own responsibilities.  Listening is for BFFs.  You have become my BFF."
He included a tiny icon of a couple holding hands.

This beautiful man is my Troika, my perfect "Three In One".

He is what I can count on when I need~

My Partner

My Lover

My Best Friend Forever

      ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Wait Not Want Not

Although
you may have noticed in my last posting, I did not use the word 'love' when referring to DSJ, he is very much that to me.

OH NO, you say!  Don't go there!! Not NOW- not after the relationship fiasco you recently survived!

Ummm, well ok then, I won't 'go there' because I am already HERE. 

And guess what: I have never been 'here' before.  DSJ is my person, so shiny and new and so polar opposite of anyone I've loved before.  No comparison.

Why dare even tread on the edge of that pool you ask, let alone take the plunge? Like we used to say in answer to our kids' constant queries for which we had no answers, I answer, "Because".  Because I can. Because I'm alive now and I may not be tomorrow.  Because he is alive and I'm alive and because we both have outlived our spouses for some reason. Because we are Here.

I posted on my fb page, a link to a  site for the tiny minimalist.  It refers to getting your head to the point where you can be content to live with what you have and not have to have it 'all'.  Along with that is the takeaway that we must remember:

I am living this concept, that there is no time like NOW.  Not because I want or need to have all my wants right now.  No, quite the opposite.  You need to sort out what is really important and work on just that as a need.  Do it NOW.  There may not be a tomorrow for you or for those you love or want to love.

I've been reading quite a lot about relationships for people.  As usual, there is a plethora of advisers for the romantics out here.  Don't do this or that too soon or too much or too too. But the advice all seems to be directed at those who are in their 20's or 30's.  What about the lonely hearts here in Boomerland?  Well, dig deeper and the advice is much different.  I like it too, because its a take charge kind of advice that we need to LIVE our lives and take the risk of loving.

I've been separated from DSJ this past week as he spent 6 days with his brother in Colorado biking on trails near Glenwood Springs.  This separation is/was tough on our fledgling relationship, but so invaluable for our future together.  DSJ is not a phone talker, but man, does he write some great love letters on email!  Not only are those letters going to be kept, but it seals the deal that he too, is a keeper. Be still my beating heart!! :o)

Like I stated to DSJ in one of my letters to him, I have never regretted saying, "I love you" to anyone and I have only regretted NOT saying it when I wanted to but held back.  I think he and I are on the same page now because he understands what it is like to see someone he loved go from life to death in an instant.  Its gonna happen to all of us.  Why not loosen the stops and live and LOVE to the fullest while we are still here?

So I am.  And I will continue to do so.  I do not think I will regret my decision to take DSJ along with me on my wild ride.  Love waits for no one, you know.

A Most Honorable Man

How does one assess the weight of a good person? Is it how valuable they are to themselves or to society's masses?  Maybe it is how much they have contributed through their natural gifts or the learned talents they expanded on to make something better.

These musings are not gibberish to me.  Because I am now of the view that motives need to be analyzed and actions do indeed speak volumes more than mere words, I then turn my ponderings of others back onto my self.  How can I judge others' worth when I need to look at my own worth and see it for what it is?

I have established a relationship with someone I perceive to be described in one word: Honorable.  The kind of 'honorable' one uses when addressing a judge. Yes, he is that honorable.

When and if we get a 'do over' in life and wind up searching for a special someone in mid life, we pretty much know what we don't want.  Look at the scars on your own psyche's skin and think about how they got there. Yep, that's the stuff we don't want to ever see again.

Turning a negative into a positive, we have nebulous ideals of what we want in that new person, but its tough to iron out these ideals into hard and fast rules of what we would find acceptable in a new mate.
In my own relationships over my life I remember the really good stuff and the really bad stuff. The rest of the stuff is what makes up 90% of our existence though, so what to do about that?

Mr. Honorable is named DSJ.  DSJ is everything and nothing like what I would have set out to find in the perfect mate.  He is kind, thoughtful(to the extreme), quiet, respectful and has been schooled in the midwestern code of Moral Conduct a la Methodism.  Yet he is not a Christian. >gasp!<  How can a non Christian be moral? It happens all the time and we are surrounded by such people.   These are people who refuse to be branded and who don't buy the pre-packaged versions of themselves that they were told they are by their loving parents or in childhood Sunday Schools.

DSJ comes with sterling credentials. He is educated and has completed a career which has led him to have lived all across the U.S.  He has collected the lint from many different regions and those places have left their marks on his thinking and opinions. But under it all lies the Nebraska sensibilities he acquired from his parents.  Those are what carries him now as he faces life without his wife/partner of 40+ years.

I believe in fate and I believe that DSJ is exactly what I need right here and right now.  He is a puzzle to me and unlike anyone I've ever been attracted to.  He is not 'exciting, dynamic, or sparkling'. He has a boyish shyness with the open smile to match. He doesn't need to stoop to using profanity or cutting remarks about others.  He is steady and kindhearted like a good dad, and lighthearted like a favorite brother. He is the guiding light of that special teacher. He is that one friend who you can always call on in a pinch for help or an opinion.  He is the promise of a love that you wanted when you were in Junior High. His affection is special because it is not given lightly.  He is the kind of man I would love to have brought home for my dad to meet and be impressed by.  I am so very proud that I get to know this man at this stage in my life.

Above all,  my dear DSJ is willing to open up his heart to me and I to him. This is a very strange dark forest we walk into.  Neither of us ever expected to be here and certainly not together.

I have for a long time now wanted to be anything but superficial. Superficiality is what I aim to escape and its all I've been living in for too long.  Being with DSJ is the absolute opposite of living a superficial life.

Now how's that for an exciting, dynamic and sparkling second chance!?

Empty Calories?/Good Vibrations?

When
I was in Sioux Falls with Gary and raising the fam, I was almost continuously on Weight Watchers.  About the fourth time, I achieved lifetime status after maintaining my weight loss goal for six weeks.  That meant that I never again have to pay a joining fee if I go back to Weight Watchers.  And go back I did, probably another six times.  I am a pro at WW!  If you've ever gone to a WW meeting you know that the leader can make or break your experience and success. There have been some yawners for sure but one leader I liked used the term "Empty Calories" and it has stuck with me ever since.
You don't have to be a perpetual dieter like me to guess that 'empty calories' means foods that have no nutritional value to them.  The calories they contain are sugars only with nothing that the body can use to build or maintain good function.

Well, I made the mistake of telling this to Gary once upon a time and he latched onto it.  If he saw me eating a Hostess Ho Ho or any variety of sweets, he would scold me in a sing-song voice saying, "EMp-tee-CAL-er-REEs!"  A few months of this and I was ready to stuff a Twinkie in his face.  I finally told him, "What I eat is off limits to your comments and opinion."  Gary could take a hint, and he never said it again.

When I now weigh the same 'nutritional value' in a person I hope to have a relationship with, I have to look at him and judge him without the benefit of a label. Will this person ADD to my quality of life or will he or his actions suck me dry and leave me bereft? Will I hear and listen to a lot of empty promises which, just like empty calories, leave me with nothing but the aftermath of his sugar high lies?

There is no solution but to take a nibble and use the 'everything in moderation' rule. Listen as he tells you his sorrows, pains, his life story, his family dynamics, his past loves, his dreams, hopes, desires.  He will spill his guts to you in the first 72 hours of meeting him.  Men do like to talk!

Here's what I'm thinkin'.  I will ponder what he tells me.  If he doesn't make too many future happy predictions; if he is adverse to promises in general, and if he answers my many questions by saying, "Honestly, I don't know!" then I will follow his lead on the trail to the future.  I do still want to trust in the goodness of people until they do not deserve my trust.

My new man exudes quality in every way. I can see the loyalty, fidelity, and honesty that his parents put into making him a good man.  I want to believe the vibes he sends that he is one of the Good Guys.  So far, there is nothing empty about the promises he is willing to make at this point in the infancy of our relationship.

One more interesting point, this man is on Weight Watchers! Nearing his goal weight, he knows what perseverance means when it comes to food, eating, and even in living his life.  I can only wish for him to persevere in leading us both to the place where nothing is empty and life is a journey of meaningful bites of sustainable experiences. That's the kind of relationship I'd pay to get a seat at the table of. Wouldn't we all!

Don't Let It Get Away

Last night I went to bed late. Waaayyyy too late.  I hate doing this to myself.  The sleep deprivation side effect of being hyperthyroidic is the suckiest. Yet, I don't have to be a slave to it.  I DO have the means to control my sleep habits.  I just don't. So I woke up at 5:20 as always, but very very groggy.

Usually the foggy brain lasts for half the day, but not today.

ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!!

I don't know why this birthday is so much better, but I am making it that way.  It started out with a quick walk with Robbie then the knock on my door brought my breakfast date and off we went to Bobbie's Cafe for the $4.99 breakfast special.  My breakfast partner was my dearest neighbor Joe who has been taking me out for breakfast on weekends for the past few months. The change of days was because ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!!

I don't know about you, but I can always remember my very first thought upon waking.  When I was working it was, "uhhhhh today is ______day. ___ days until Friday." Sometimes I wouldn't realize what day it was until after I had peed then started splashing water on my face.  In recent months the first thought was of DM.  The good thoughts degenerated as the relationship disintegrated, being replaced with painful first thoughts of sadness, anger, disgust with myself, and just good ol' morose.
Those days are gone!  Three weeks ago they were replaced with hopeful anticipatory thoughts, some even continuation of dreams I was having before waking. These thoughts are of new people, new times, new conversations with new things to learn about.  One of these discovered people is now a dear friend.  The other is so very new and so very fragile.  It would be a disservice to my thoughts about him to expand on it so I dare not say more.  Let the cocoon shelter this butterfly until it is ready to awake, unwrap its wings and emerge.

Today I woke up, although very tired, but thinking, "ITS MY BIRTHDAY!" My phone was blinking from the text from my dear son texted me two hours earlier within minutes of his own awakening, "Happy Birthday Mom!" I've been getting texts ever since.  I decided as I put on my shoes, that THIS will be my best birthday since Gary died. It shouldn't be. There is no remarkable reason my 58th birthday should stand out from the rest.  Its not like my 60th where there will be dancing in the streets as I bask in the glow of receiving my first Social Security check.  If I live to be 60, my awakening thoughts on May 20, 2017 will be of relief having made it five years to that milestone day.

I decided many weeks ago to throw myself a birthday party this year.  I am doing the planning and prep solo without a helper as I had last December when DM helped pay for and prep my Christmas Party. Its all good though. It has to be! The cast of characters in my life play has changed in the last six months.  A few more neighbors and my special Meetup Interest plus some people new to the neighborhood.  Throw in the regular Wine Ladies and I'm hoping for a decent turnout. A last minute entrant is the nice widower I sat next to last Saturday who joined me in listening to the divorcing man rant about how bad things are when one divorces. When he very politely contacted me to ask if he could see me again,  I had to tell him that I am very serious about cultivating another relationship and I do not and will not juggle people, especially the widowed. We have to stick together on the first rule of our exclusive club, "Do No Hurt".  So I invited my admirer to my party.  He's coming! Its good for him, and I'm glad I asked him.

Now TONIGHT!! ......... TONIGHT!! I am hoping it will be the cream cheese frosting on my carrot cake day.  Dinner and a movie with (?).  I have no clue what this will turn into so I will not give him a name.  Maybe he will be added to the friend roster, maybe I dare to dream of more, but this one I am going to watch and let play out, giving him and a higher power the say in what happens.  My control room is dark and the Gone Fishin' sign is on the door.  Won't it be interesting to sit back and, like the movie we're seeing tonight, watch a new relationship unfold without me trying so hard -too hard- to force the outcome I think I want.

Don't roll the credits on this Beautiful Day just yet...  :oD