The @Rt of conversation

I remember taking speech class in high school.  It was one of those required classes in order to graduate from a South Dakota high school and I think it was a good requirement.  We all need to be able to think and speak while on our feet.  I wish I had gotten into Debate after seeing how well both my sons did in the competitions years later.

So why should speech class garner my accolades now?  Because the various kinds of speeches we were required to present forced me to formulate and articulate my views while in front of an audience of peers.  I could usually wing it successfully even if not properly prepared.  Today I wish I had aggressively pursued Toastmasters too. Never too late for that, I guess.

All forms of communication are based on the verbal signals and phrases we send out to our listeners or conversation partners.  Its such a valuable skill to have, that of the spoken word, person to person, complete with all the nuances and inflections of the voices.  No guessing the meaning of the speaker's words when there is a lively expressive face to watch while hearing the words the face is forming.

I am taking a new interest in speaking and in the art of conversation because I am going forward with plans to meet more people who may have similar interests as me.  Most of these are singles and through Meetup, I am finding a plethora of groups who do things I would like to do or try.  Meeting people requires me to think, to observe, to listen, react appropriately and recall. I am out of practice so I have been trying to hone those skills again by going places with people and spending more time with people than on the computer.

Last weekend, I went to breakfast with my 84-yr-old neighbor man down the street.  He talked about his wife who passed away a couple of years ago.  He spoke of his dreams to move to a coastal area in Florida or the Carolinas.  Dreams don't stop just because you reach a certain age!  He reminisced about traveling in Europe to places his family ancestors had told him about.  He was very happy to have someone sitting across from him listening to his stories.  He then listened to my situation, my dreams and he told me the one thing I should be doing is to move out of Sun City to meet a non-letcherous man who cares about himself in both body and mind. One who can reciprocate my feelings and who has empathy for others.  My kinda guy, alright.

And how does one find a person or people like this?  By talking to them.  Striking up conversations wherever I go.  Making speeches one on one, if you will. Most importantly, listening and consciously absorbing all you can through the words and the body language you get and give.

Its not easy to hold a conversation with someone you've just met.  You don't dare tread into certain areas like politics and religion. That's plainly committing convo hari kari.

Up until yesterday, I was also seeing a man who I thought may have been a possible future interest of sorts, but that fizzled when I learned, through 7 dates and numerous phone conversations, that he is just NOT at all my type of man.  Even if I had managed to get past the 10 cats he has crawling every square inch of the home he shared with his wife who died, I just can't tolerate a man who doesn't know what's going on in the world.  Get this: he didn't even KNOW that Bruce Jenner is going transgender!! How big was that frickin' rock he was under?!! I mean, c'mon, does he not read the magazines at the nail salons like I do?  Sheese!

After 3 weeks of trying the dating thing, I had to text my "Dear John, I-don't-think-either-of-us-is-ready-for-this-right-now-and-even-though-you-got-that-Cialis-script-from-your-doctor-I-just-don't-think-I'm-the-type-for-sex-without-love."(Especially since 4 of his cats share his bed with him and the smell of Fresh Step about gagged me when I walked in his front door)  But that's just me....

So its on to new horizons in the game of meeting new people.  My next stop is to try outdoor activity Meetups.  I went to one Meetup last night, a happy hour followed by 2 hours of trivia played at a bar in Surprise.  The group, consisting of baby boomer singles has some members who are on the the tip of the boomer iceberg, but most seem very nice and the conversation was very easy.  I even knew some trivia answers in the hockey and horses topics.  One man who I was particularly keen on getting to know happens to have lived in Sioux Falls in the 70's when I was still in high school.  He doesn't look very old though and I wasn't going to be so rude as to ask his age since we were in a large group.  I may join up another group he is in which goes on casual bike rides on weekends.  Some more commonality we share is that he is a widow as of last June and he has lost 35 pounds on Weight Watchers.  He seems very nice indeed.
One thing I found interesting in talking with him is that when I expressed my regret for his wife's sudden death of a massive stroke, I also added that I admired his ability to 'get out there' and join the world so quickly after her passing.  He shrugged it off and said, "life goes on".  Refreshing!  I've read that men may be more likely to gather themselves up faster and are able to connect with and date people sooner than women.

Oh and lets not forget talking to DM now and then.  I just cannot hate the guy, and we do communicate without malice.  I don't use the letters DM to abbreviate for Dear Man anymore though; DM now stands for Disturbed Man or Decimated Man, but never Diabolical or Despicable Man. I actually have figured out a lot about him(and me) and now think I can look ahead to a future without him because I am constantly having a rational conversation with myself about the impractical nature of him being in my life in his present state of mind.
So I remain a student of conversation and speech with new and interesting people.   Stay tuned, our conversation continues after a brief commercial break....

WYSIWYG

I am sitting outside this morning with coffee, my protein shake and my laptop at the tiny table on my covered patio.  The days I'll be able to do this are numbered because as May approaches, even the morning temps can be too hot to sit comfortably outside for long periods.

I hear my bamboo fountain splashing into the tiny pond.  Doves, finches and hummingbirds sound their coos and chips in the branches of my large shade tree.

I look at the beauty of my landscape and I like what I see.  Its WYSIWYG.

 WYSIWYG is a term used in word processing and typesetting to signify that what you see on your computer screen is what you will get when you print or produce what you are typing.  Its a pretty profound advancement that came about in the 80's in the infancy of computer graphics and html processing of all kinds.
WYSIWYG stands for "What You See Is What You Get".  The phrase was first used by the comedian Flip Wilson in his persona of Geraldine.
I was walking Robbie earlier when the acronym WYSIWYG popped into my mind. Wouldn't it be great if people were as authentic as what we see when we type into our devices? How I wish I could go back and see again the person(s) I was so wrong about at first, but would now have the ability, with WYSIWYG, to see what they were like in reality?
Its been a trying but learning process the last three weeks to overcome the feeling of loss of my relationship with DM.  In fact, its still not settled in some respects.
I have learned sooo much with my late night and day long forays into the world of psychology, personality disorders and basically people who are fucked up in the head. BINGO! I found DM and his ex in crisp black and white after combing through all the descriptions of their bizarre behaviors.
I absolutely needed to do this for myself even though most people would say, "Oh just quit obsessing and move on.  There's someone out there who will treat you right." That is kinda like when people say to a grieving widow, "Its time to Move On".    Well sorry, but considering the sources of that advice, it is very unhelpful when it comes from someone who is happily or at least contentedly married and has no idea what its like to be alone when you don't choose to be.
Back to my research of the human psyche.  The mess I was unwittingly dragged into is called Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  Ex has it BAD.  She ticks ev-er-ree box of symptoms.  Control freak to the max and has never known a moment of happiness in her life, I'm sure. You don't want to know all the other markers that she exhibits and I am not going to retype them here.
Then there is DM, aka Codependent Narcissistic who, as is typical, picked a rube(moi) to suck into his relationship with Evil Ex.  Its called Triangulation and it almost always happens with dysfunctional narcissistic couples.  Although DM may not have originally been a narcissist, over the years he was programed by his master (Ex) to behave a certain way, say and do things the way she wanted, yet he never has and never can hope to get her approval.  Her brain disorder won't let that happen. She will always be his and everyone else's superior. Cruelty, constant angst, hateful words, substance abuse, and just pure misery is a way of life for them both and they don't even have a clue that this is not normal life.
I found that about 6% of all people have NPD.  Lucky me- beating those odds so nicely to get sucked into the exclusive 6% Club!  I have been reading books galore and even more articles about breaking off a relationship with someone with NPD.  Not knowing any other way to operate in the world, DM has adopted the same self centered behavior as Ex.  Ahhhh, a match made in Hell.
All of the breakup books and articles refer to the other 94% of typical relationships that go south, where there is actually some blame to be laid at the feet of both parties.  This too, does me no good.  I was truly the victim in the whole sad story.  There was nothing I could have done differently. I know that and that is a powerful realization.
*I* am not nuts!  I am a good person.  I am smart.  Most of all, I know that I didn't do anything wrong.
Narcissists put on a facade at first.  DM is a superb actor, so he can lie like a champ and cry like a little girl(tearless though) when its needed.  Our first two months were bliss, yes, but when I started to call him on the broken promises, outright lies and secretive activities, he started to bail on me in little ways.  Even with the strong control his Master has on him, that old familiar prison started to look preferable to being the persona he couldn't continue to masquerade as to me. Poor DM- our relationship didn't feel safe anymore.  He re-offended so that he could be sent back to prison.
Thinking I was dealing with a normal divorcing basket case, I tried to support him and followed the rules they made me play by. I was a good Triangular Girl for 3 months.
Most relationships with narcisissts only last for 3-6 mos.  I played it out for 5.5.  This was to my detriment.
But, oh the lessons I've learned!!  I think I'm on my way to an A in this chapter test of Life 101, because I now will approach every possible relationship with a critical eye.  A very critical eye.

Technology is a wonderful thing.  Think of the cars that drive themselves. Now we need great minds to get onto the task of inventing something that  enables us to read people better in advance of being crushed by their depraved needs and manipulations.  I wish I had a such a tool to gauge, "What I See Is Who I Want To Love".

Character is doing the right thing even when it costs more than you want to pay.

 When it comes to character, you don't have to be sick to get better.

Its easier for a good person to get better than for a bad person to get good.

Michael Josephson

Cause everything is never as it seems

 From my last post you can surmise that I have exited from the bizarro world that I orbited with DM and the debris that came with him.

Yeah, it sucked. It still sucks.  But I was getting suspicious of the lifespan of the relationship anyway.  There were many clues I chose to avoid and shut out. Am I the only one who does this? Doubt it.  We WANT so badly to believe that things aren't really so bad and so we ignore the intuition and the danger signs. It didn't mean they weren't there and they did not go away.

Heartbreak is a major letdown, but with every bad there is also good.  The good?  Well, I am still myself, I am still intact as ME and no longer have to shoulder the burden of being US when it was uncomfortable at worst or just a bother at the least.

 I find I LIKE going to bed when I want to.  I eat when I want to, and what I want.  I am not concerned with making food for a grain consuming palette.  I am quite happy that the stress of US is gone which had been causing me to stress eat. I was bending to the will of someone who said I was too thin so I gained 15 pounds.  I did not like myself at that weight though.  BUTT!  In just a couple of weeks, I'm down nearly 6 pounds.  I feel incredibly strong because this has never happened before when I've lost a slug of weight.  I've always gained it back.  NUH UH!! Not this time and NOT for a pathetic reason like this!

Back to MY priorities: nutritious food and healthy daily workouts.  I even listen to MY music again. Country music has been wiped from my computer's and tablet's Pandora as have those pictures of that smiling couple headed down a destructive path.

I love this song, Fireflies, because I visualize having my own fruit jar of happy things(fireflies) sitting on my nightstand.  Sure, I can watch them inside the jar and enjoy their beauty, but I can also let one or two escape and flit around spreading their tiny lights in the darkness. It proves that even tiny little things can be a delight and will surprise us.

I've decided that now is a good time to reach into my jar of fireflies and give a few the freedom of flight and happiness. And I get to enjoy the show.

This pretty much sums it up as of 4/4/15

It only makes sense if you read the lyrics.

 

 Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly
I turned on the lights, the TV, and the radio
Still I can't escape the ghost of you
What has happened to it all?
Crazy someone say
Where is the life that I recognize?
Gone away
But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Passion or coincidence once prompted you to say
"Pride will tear us both apart"
Well now prides gone out the window
Cross the rooftops, run away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart
What is happening to me?
Crazy someone say
Where is my friend when I need you most?
Gone away
But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Papers in the roadside tell of suffering and greed
Fear today, forgot tomorrow
Besides the news of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk
And I don't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Every world is my world
(I will learn to survive)
Any world is my world
(I will learn to survive)
Any world is my world
Every world is our world

Footprints

I have a high gloss wood laminate floor in my living room.  Its pretty good looking and fools a lot of people who think its real wood. It has one big flaw though: it shows foot prints.  Especially Robbie footprints from his sweaty little paws.  I get sooo annoyed cleaning them up every stinkin' day. They attract dirt and my steam mop turns black cleaning up those danged dusty foot prints.  I get annoyed with little things like this, so I am cleaning the floors about 3 times a day to get out those damned dirty footprints. It colors my opinion of Robbie, too.  I see him as a dirty work maker for me with his paw prints everywhere in my otherwise clean house.

Things have not been going so well with the DM and his Ex. So consequently being part of this little three person dysfunctional group is the pits.  X has mastered the occupation of a PSS (Professional Shit Stirrer).  DM, on the other hand has spent the last 10 months trying to take 'the high road' and be 'her friend'.  He is her manservant when she beckons him over to her(their former) home to clean up after their dogs, fix things with her fountains and any other thing that could be done by this able bodied WOMAN who threw her husband out, but apparently regrets it and conjures up reasons to get him in the same room alone with her so she can rant about how awful her life is now that he's gone.

I am 'the other woman' who is not allowed to go to certain places where she might frequent.  I am the equivalent of the bad girl from the wrong side of the tracks who would be an embarrassment to DM if I were to chance meeting Woman Formerly Known As Mrs.  For months, I have been kept in my cage at times and not allowed to be with him on days off or evenings when we had plans.

I am a total babe in the woods when it comes to this divorce stuff.  The only experience I have had is from the nasty prolonged ordeal my brother suffered.  Even that was not traumatic to me like it would be if I had gone through it myself or had been a child of divorce.  Yes, I know I'm lucky, but it makes me not sure of how to fight this battle that I got thrown in the middle of.  All I did was give a decent guy my number and went out with him!  How was I supposed to know that he was someone else's puppet and that his main goal was to maintain 'friendship' with his whip wielding dominatrix?

Extricating oneself from another person who is so bitter and unhappy with you, yet still wants you around to control is very painful. Painful to be the one in the trap and painful for ME to be the one standing by helplessly and told to keep my distance because its not my fight.

When I was about six, my mom took us kids fishing.  It was the usual muddy adventure on a lake shore with dead fish and flies and the desire to catch a big one.  My mom was casting and I was a good distance behind her.  She tipped her rod and the line back but before she could begin the arc to get the line to the water, she hooked me on my waist instead.  It surprised me at first, then I remember how, without looking behind her, she tugged on the line.  It set the hook and the worm into me pretty good.  Someone else yelled, "Mom!! You've got Marsha!"  After some wiggling of the hook and some painful crying, water was poured on the wormy wound and I was good to go with a band-aid.  I remember the rest of the day was consumed by the catch of HUGE carp.  The big gasping monster was thrown into the trunk as a trophy to show my dad who threw the thing in the garbage.

This divorce is that hook in my side all over again.  It hurts and it stinks like worms and dead fish. This time I am working to get the hook out myself.  I don't want to be even more hurt.  I never asked for this.  Is this what it takes to have a relationship with a decent guy anymore?

Last night I stated my case and my feelings about the whole shitty scenario I find myself in.  I've had enough.  DM listened and apologized to how I am being treated and for his part in it.  He is wading in the muddy stinking waters of Lake Divorce himself.  No one has the answers on how to get free of this in a good way.

I was mad about the whole thing and last night I took out my frustration on poor Robbie. On my walk alone with him, because he and I weren't 'allowed' to walk near the house where DM and X were 'talking', I let Robbie run loose in the field near my house.  I got exasperated with him when he would not come.  I stomped toward my house, two blocks away.  Robbie did not follow.  I got my mail from the box and waited. And waited.  He did not appear.  Pissed, I went back to the field where I found him in the same spot I left him.  He had been eating grass so he could throw up.  His stomach was upset.  Coming to me with a weak tail wag, he seemed to be apologizing.  I was still mad.

Later, when I was voicing my opinion to DM of how this whole relationship is not right, he was horrified that I had left dear Robbie in the dark where coyotes could have attacked and dragged him off.  DM acknowledged, especially after last night, that he loves dogs more than people(especially women).

I left DM's house and went home to Robbie with a renewed sense of what is important to me.  That little dog has been nothing but a loving friend to me.  He loves me no matter WHAT I do to him.  And he makes tracks on my floors. More importantly though, he makes tracks in my heart.

This morning, DM came over before work to pick up the protein shake I make for him each morning to drink on his way to work.  I sent him off with the shake and a Special K bar that I cut into a heart shape.  After he left, I noticed the wood floor.  It had dusty footprints on it from someone's work boots.

<sigh>  Now I have TWO sets of prints to clean up.  And I love both of the beasts who made them.

Damaged Goods

This is a picture of a damaged box.  It could be a picture of you.  It is certainly a picture of me.  It is my friends and neighbors, too. But in particular, it is my special someone.

Some of our damages are age related.  You can't reach adulthood without showing some wear and tear. It only piles on as you live.

We get kicked around, thrown carelessly in a heap by others and sometimes the damages are self inflicted wounds.
My damages are on the outside like sun damage, deep wrinkles, worry lines, warts and a few bent joints that were broken but didn't heal perfectly.


DM has many outward damage marks like gray, and balding hair, wrinkles from squinting into the sun while driving machinery and when golfing.  He walks with a slight limp due to two hip surgeries. His skin is no where near the flawless category.  He is very attractive to me in spite of these things because I know that there is more than what I see on his bent and scarred exterior box.

                                           AND THEN
there is the damage that awaits when we get inside our boxes. Mental damage, ie; even brain damage.  Quirkiness, ideals, opinions, obsessions, addictions, wants and desires and misguided thoughts that lead to self medication and self coping mechanisms.  If you're a human box, these things are inside you. But like boxes, some of us get stomped on and run over just one too many times. We can't think our way out of our box of sorrow, loneliness or hurt.  We become desperate for a new box to live in.

I don't care who you are, if you've ever looked for friendship or love in the general population, and especially if you're over the age of 40, you're going to find yourself wading into a huge pile of damaged goods.
HAH!  I just realized that the term 'damaged goods', still contains the word, 'good'.  That implies that the contents of our boxes still hold value.  We still have value to others and to ourselves once the box is opened to discover who is inside.  So why would we just light a match and say that the damaged goods are not worth saving or even opening?  Hey, that's me in MY box that you may be torching!

My DM has physical issues and right now is also confronting the worst mental trial probably of his life.  His psyche has been damaged every bit as much as mine has been by death. He has tried to mend his damaged box, but he grabbed the wrong materials and it is not working.

How can you throw away a human box- I mean human BEING- though?  You don't.  You grab them and show them how to get help.  You tell them what worked for you and others.  You hope and pray that they are listening and will find the person who will open their box and rebuild the contents with the parts that are still good.  And there are always lots of good parts.

My metaphor here helps me write what I cannot say about my loved one's struggles right now.  I cannot be the one who opens him up and fixes the mess inside.  I wasn't the source of his undoing and I can't repair him.  I know that.  But I also can't toss him aside like trash.  He is very valuable to me and to many others. I know there may be a day when I have to let this one go and I have told him that.  He wants to be shown how to get his life put back together.  He has used these very words.  It will be work.  I am not his partner in this one, but I will be there for him as long I don't get hurt in the scramble.  I would hope I could be strong enough to say when enough is enough, and see that my involvement is futile.  Most of all, I pray that I never see that day, because I love him no matter what.

I see signs of good things around the corner. Yesterday, I opened my Yogi teabag and this is what it said, "Your greatest strength is love."  That is why I decided I would not walk away from DM now.  And today, I sip tea with a tag that says, "Uplift everybody and uplift yourself."  Pretty spookily appropriate, huh?

Life is such a bumpy, rutted road, isn't it? I hope that that driver of the truck we are riding in keeps the doors closed so we don't bounce out into the ditch.  No more damages to these fragile lives, please.

StResS

Getting through life is not easy for most people.  I'm definitely part of the 'most people' clan, but even I know I don't have it as bad as many others.

I have sat and listened, watched, read and tried to assimilate what stress does to us.  My area of interest in it comes from wanting to live in the leanest healthiest body possible with the least amount of effort. We are such intricate works of machinery, all parts dependent on other parts to perform the task of being alive and run without glitches.

Nutrition.  Its so much more than what I thought it was even a year ago.  Back then, I bought into the 'eat less, exercise more' mantra that we've been preached at for 50+ years, maybe more! Take a 30 second glance around you and you know that dog don't hunt.  It never did, but so many factors like corporate food companies, doctors and industries grew like mold to make us accept it as fact. The whole Diet Industrial Complex was born.  Kind of like exploiting cancer, except no president has ever declared a war on fat. It would be bad for the economy, you know.

There are too many aspects to go into here of what goes into making our bodies create fat and make them unable to function under the conditions we put them through by eating and living the way we do.  My focus, I find, is stress.  Stress causes inflammation, the seedling of every chronic disease and breakdown of healthy cells.  Stress causes burnout of the organs, the brain and leads to all kinds of problems we were never designed to suffer.

From my embryonic understanding of stress, it is a driver of cortisol which is secreted when the body perceives stress which in turn makes the body go into survival mode, not using its stores of fat and not burning the calories consumed as they should be.
Okay, so I'm not a doctor of any sort, nor did I stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night.  This I do understand; Stress is my enemy.

Stress is all around us, all within us and is lurking around every corner like the grim reaper.  Stress?  Moi?  You say, "I don't have any stress!!  I don't hate my boss.  Hell, I don't even work!"  But the way you live creates your own stress on body and mind.  Sitting on the couch is stressing the body. Exercise stresses the body.  Learning a new language stresses the mind. Overeating causes stress. Starving causes stress.

Dieting = Stress.

That's why I'm no longer a dieter.  I am searching for the means to live without stressing about food or exercise.  As we age, we are even more susceptible to the effects of stress.  Yes, even after we are retired! Really, all retirement is for me is a plate of new problems heaped high.

I have taken on a Mission Impossible task. Call me 'Mr. Phelps', I have to accept this mission, because I have no choice but to look for and work to reduce stress so that all my parts work together as well as possible.  You know what, though?  There are tons of helpful sources out there with fantastic insight on how to get through daily life and manage in better ways.  I wish I could mention all the things I have found that have helped me in my own self discovery journey to better health. Probably the springboard from which I have gotten the most valuable information is from Metabolic Effect.  Please don't think I'm pushing a product or company.  This is just a place packed with smart, prudent, down to earth professional people who can make sense to me out of our endocrine system, neurology, and behavioral tendencies.Oh, and of course they explain the biochemistry of movement and exercise.

Mindfulness
Moderation 365
Menopausal plan
Adrenal Fatigue
Endocrine functions
Supplements
Digestion
Hunger, Energy, Cravings
Metabolism
Hormones

These are just some of the topics I've been educated on in the past few weeks.  I will never know it all, but continuing on, I know I can get a handle on it enough to emerge with a better understanding of why I am the way I am, think the way I think and do the things I do. I can tell you that this is waaayyy harder to figure out than just mindlessly following some 'plan' or 'diet' like I have done in the past.  There is no one size fits all, and there is no single magic formula that will take me through all the phases of my life.

I'm a student of ME now!!  Freshman class, coming up to midterms maybe.
Hey mom and dad, send money- I need to buy more Quest Bars!