Just Numb3rs

For someone who hates numbers and math, I am quite obsessed about them.
Every thought, every where I turn, my day, week, month, year and life is all about numbers.

We count everything, don't we? We should count how many chews we should make before swallowing. We count calories, we count fat grams, protein grams, carbs, net carbs and fiber our bodies take in in a meal and for the day and week.

I watch the numbers fluttering by on the scale as it settles down to what I weigh that moment.  The scale is less forgiving than Judge Judy in the numbers verdicts it hands down. I see the numbers on the tape measure around my waist and record them every 2(another number) weeks.

I mark the calendar with my numbers to mark the days, months, year.  I workout to numbers listening hard for the number of the sets and minutes that I have completed and for how many I have left to go.

I look at people and guestimate their age, and weight.  I put a number value on their appearance as I watch them stroll past me with food plates piled high on their 4th trip through the desert bar at the buffet.

I've been told by someone who was 20 years younger than me, "Age is just a number."  I was also told by someone who is 20 years older than me, "Age is just a number."  But it is more than that to me. It is an emotion when someone is too far removed from my age related experiences that they are not tuned into the same things as me.  Age numbers do matter in relationships.

A newer revelation to me is that actually, weight IS just a number.  Reaching the magic number on the scale's readout is an amazing feeling followed by the immediate thought of,  'Now, what's my next task- keeping that number on the scale from ever changing?'  The answer I already know is way more subjective and I think, as I look at myself in the mirror, 'hmmm  maybe I don't want to stay at this number if this is how I look.'

The satisfaction goal of reaching my number has been met.  The satisfaction goal of living with myself will probably move. 

And that, dear readers, is something that Sesame Street could never teach us to count.

The Wagon- as seen from below

So the other night I fell off the wagon, the one on which I eat clean and for my health.  Was it because I reached my goal weight that day?  Maybe, but I suspect stress changed my attitude and got in the way of my normal common sense.

What did I OD on?  Protein bars.  Full of flavor, fiber and delicious goodies like chocolate chips and sweetness, I ate 2.5 bars while sitting in front of the TV watching a free HBO movie that I was already recording.  The TV is my drug of choice when I want to enter the land of mindlessness.  If I had even gone over to the computer, I would have been confronted by tons of support that crowds my email inbox.  I subscribe to a slew of sites about healthy foods, great nutrition and most of all, positive living through mindfulness.  And perhaps especially because I knew that these helpful email messages were there waiting to be read, I chose to avoid them while I closed my mind and opened my mouth.

It is a big deal.  Not because I feel like a 'bad girl' for rebelling against the control I've lived with for so long, but to me it feels like the boogie man in the dark closet pulled me in and shut the door for an hour.  And that ugly dark closet is a place I HATE to go to after having escaped it last February. 

What was I feeling when I opened the wrappers of the 'candy bars' I ate that night?  I tried not to feel anything.  I was avoiding my feelings, trying to dull them at all costs. That's how I do it(or I should say, DID IT).

So I ate the bars. Maybe you're thinking, C'mon- they were somewhat healthy and what's the big deal? The one thing that saved me from eating the whole box is that the fiber content means my body would never be able to handle all that at one sitting.  Thank goodness!?

Before bed, I did drag myself over to the computer to read emails and sure enough, I had a PERSONAL letter from a great site called Fit Life Happy Life.  The website is run by a sharp young woman, Jill, who has such refreshing thoughts, recipes and insights.  She wrote me a letter in response to a letter I wrote her when she asked for information about me and my situation.


Here's an excerpt she wrote to me-

I have learned that an “all or nothing” mentality regarding food choices can actually hinder my progress and cause more anxiety for me. The more I learned to let go of the rules and “go off plan” the better I felt about my choices.  I understand your fear of eating things that your body is not used to and feeling crummy and that’s ok but saying, “I will never eat ____” or “I only eat _____”, can create a lot of stress!  I used to say these things too!!  It’s definitely a process that takes some practice over time but you can get there!!  If I eat something and I feel like crap, oh well, I accept it and move on AND I do not feel any guilt over my choices.  I also know that it will not set me back on all the gains I have made.

If there is one thing that people hear from me these days, is a lot of "I will never eat this or that ever again." I can't really say that now, can I.  There shouldn't be any all or nothings in our lives.  It doesn't work that way.  Experience that feeling of eating what you ate and move on.

I also read on another super smart fitness/nutritionist expert who is still a 'real' person, Jill Coleman.
Here's what Jill Coleman had to say in a recent blogpost:

Today's reminder: "There's always more where that came from."

For me, this is such a powerful insight, whether applied to food or success or money or relationships or positive feelings or motivation. It's a reminder to maintain an abundance mindset.

When I do, I'm able to relax into my life. I don't feel stressed every second that things are happening that I can't control or that opportunities are slipping through my fingers, or that I won't ever have another chance to do ________. I can give up feelings of urgency or exclusivity.

This practice helps me trust that I can always move in a new direction or adjust if I need to in order to create the life/outcomes/abundance that I want.

It helps me trust the process 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For me, this stuff goes way beyond dieting and eating, its about how we handle what happens every day in our lives- the things that stress us, that 'get to us' and the people who push our buttons.  Its one little choice we have- and that is, how we react to these things that get thrown in our faces.

My take away from my helpful sources and how I'm learning to apply them is, when you stumble in your eating plan, get up the next morning and make yourself a great breakfast.  Life goes on and you may as well be in the flow of that life.  Another lesson learned.

Hitting Home

You know, I've been feeling pretty good lately.  I just got back from a family reunion up in Sedona for our mom's 85th birthday.  This trip was in lieu of us 4 siblings going to Sioux Falls, SD on Thanksgiving Day for her actual birthday.  Not exactly a garden spot that time of year.  Summers can be brutal, too, but that's another story.

So we brought our mom out and we all stayed at a nice resort for 4 days.  My niece, her husband and 1 year old son joined us.  It was busy and yet we managed to get mom to most of the sights and gather each evening for meals and drinks. We went to a restaurant and had some great food and I even ate 3 bites of dessert- my first sweets in 9 months. And when I jumped on the scale this morning I could barely believe my eyes.  I lost another 2.5 pounds! I felt great on my walk this morning in part because of my surprising fat loss, but also because I just feel more positive in the mornings. Especially these cool mornings when its long sleeve t-shirt weather.  Shorts will still work if I wait until the sun is up to go out.  I talked to mom this morning on my walk, and despite the weather up there, she sounded upbeat too. Last Saturday morning when I dropped mom off at the airport, she said thank you to me and that last week was, "the best birthday ever".  I'm glad, because I don't think there will be another like this.  Things happen as we all know.  We are humans and our time here is fleeting.

This fact hit home to me today when I opened my email and read about a beautiful woman that Gary and I knew from our Parkinson's support group in California.  She was so sweet to us and I have often thought about her.  I friended her on facebook after Gary died and she wrote me a couple of times, but I had not heard from her in quite awhile.

Today I found out she passed away from cancer on October 15.  That was two days shy of Gary's death anniversary.  I even remember what I was doing that day, because I was dreading the 17th and anticipating my feelings.  Our dear friend fought the same Parkinson's battles that Gary did while working and was a very positive influence on both Gary and me.  For both of them to have died too young because of cancer is just not fair.  I know I overuse the fairness argument, but I am out of other feelings about death due to cancer.  I hate it.  It just sends me back to an ugly dark pit of despondency.  I can feel the same old feelings I experienced with Gary's passing.  It is haunting and I thought I was 'done' with that. Not to be.  That's life. That's death.  And right now, that's why I am very very sad all over again.

How could I have forgotten that no matter how we think we can fly, we are still tethered to the ground?  The ground is metaphorically our family, our life, our past and our futures, our humanity and our souls. The ground is also death.

Like the old saying, 'you can run, but you cannot hide.'  That's sure true about death, ain't it.  I am painfully reminded that every day is a gift. 

I am going to try to get over to our friend's memorial in a couple of weeks.  It will be the first memorial service I have attended since Gary's.  It was bound to happen.  There will be more, but maybe none as hard as this one will be.

How can you possibly enjoy life?

The other night my sister and I were talking about food and what we are bringing to an upcoming family get together.  Since I am local, I am packing all sorts of my kind of goodies and seasonings to share with those who can't bring anything on a plane.  There is so much, I am asking if my sister can stop by my house the day before to get some of it and take it up to the resort with her since my car space will be taken up by people, luggage and dog.

My sister mentioned that she is going to get corn chips, "GMO free, organic and..."  I cut her off with the horrified question of WHY would a person want to eat something that is so evil and wreaks so much harm and death to those who eat it!?  Corn is right up there with wheat as the worst substance in the world that humans have exploited.  Corn is simply a 4-letter word in any of its hundreds of forms in tiny print on the labels of processed foods.

"Well, I DO eat corn chips and salsa if they are made with good healthy ingredients" she continued.  As I've said before, our human attitudes about food are so deeply held that trying to wrestle them out of our belief system is harder than taking a child's favorite teddy bear or blankie away when they are threadbare and falling apart.  Well people, time to grow up.  You're going off to college now and your old stuffed animal that comforted you as a 3 year old doesn't serve you well as an adult. Facts are facts whether they be about climate change,  GMO foods, or sugar addiction caused by grain consumption.

Still, my sister won't give up the notion that something that tastes so good can be so bad for her body and be a root cause of her physical maladies and future chronic disease.  She turns it on me: "How can you enjoy life when you deny yourself so many of the good foods out there? Why would you want to continue to deprive yourself forever of the pleasures of eating delicious things?"

My answer to her was to ask her, "How am I depriving myself when I am giving my body what it NEEDS and deserves?  I am feeding my body, mind and spirit with REAL FOOD!"  I thought about it later and wish I had added, "Besides-real enjoyment of life shouldn't revolve around eating corn chips."  Life is about what you can do with the proper food your body is asking for to do its job in the best way with the ease of how we were designed to be.  Contrary to what the corporate food criminals have told us, the STUFF they sell us which they call 'food' is NOT what God ever intended we put into our bodies as fuel.

I follow several blogs and get emails from nutrition/exercise/healthy living sources who write more eloquently and come across in a more positive way than I can.  Here is one that I find answers the question that many people(like my neighbors) ask me. "What diet are you on?"  They usually follow up with the next question, "Huh. So when will you quit following that weird way of eating?"


Full credit for this to Neghar Fonooni, of Eat, Lift and Be Happy-
This entry is called, Dieting is the Worst. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Seriously. The worst. Ever. Last night as I was walking on the beach with one of my besties, we got to talking about her recent nutrition and fitness endeavors. For the past month she's been working out and eating under my tutelage and was raving to me about how amazing she feels and how deprived she doesn't feel. "I feel like this is a lifestyle for me now," she said. She went on to tell me how people at work keep asking her if she's on a diet (because her body is noticeably changing) and she's like NO. I am NOT on a diet. I'm just eating to serve my body. Because being on a diet SUCKS. Being on a diet implies that there's a beginning an end, as opposed to a lifestyle of nourishing your body with movement and food. Being on a diet usually involves restriction and deprivation--and an almost inevitable rebound. Now, instead of dieting, I live my life by embodying a few of my truths: 1) I eat to serve my body, not to steal from it (mostly organic produce, sustainably raised animal protein, lots of healthy fats). 2) I eat food that pleases both my palate and my physique (I seriously CRUSH IT in the kitchen). 3) I move every single day. 4) If I really want to eat something naughty, I do--but I don't binge on it. 5) I never feel guilty about food. NEVER. Because everything is a choice and I feel confident in my choices.  Because of these simple truths, I'm able to live a life of abundance, enjoyment, and gratitude--and at the same time feel 100% comfortable in my own skin.  Eating for fat loss is not deprivation or restriction. It doesn’t have to mean eating food that bores you, or lacking culinary creativity (please NEVER eat anything you don't LOVE!). Physique and performance friendly nutrition is really as simple as blending your body's needs with that of your taste buds, and finding a happy medium that pleases both equally. Despite what you may have been told, it's entirely possible to simultaneously lose fat, build muscle and enjoy the food you eat, without going on a strict diet. In fact, I firmly refuse to eat anything that doesn’t rock my world. Because you know what? Life is too damn short for plain steamed broccoli and bland, dry ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Just now, I returned from the library with a new book by Chris Kresser, Your Personal Paleo Code.  I think this book is one I will go buy to keep.  Its about NOT following in lockstep an idea, a formula or a plan based on what the newest diet guru out on the corner is hawking.  Like Metabolic Effect, Kresser takes a good premise, in this case, the Paleo Diet, and expands it for YOU and ME and our individual bodies' needs.  Very refreshing and so very needed. Because after all, we are as individuals, in control of our own destiny every time we bring our hands to our mouths to put something in it.  Why not use some thought and care of what that something is?

Eighty in Eight!

  So what else has been happening in the past two months since I last blogged, you might ask?

A whole lot of learning and eating and exercising and reading, reading and more reading.  Oh- and antagonizing everyone who hasn't adopted my way of looking at health and nutrition. Yeah, that about sums it up.
Bottom line, a couple of weeks ago I met one of my goals to lose 80 pounds in 8 months.  I really feel that a huge reason why I could do this at my age, is a product I got from a Colorado Company called Real Dose.  I bought an 8 month supply of pills called Weight Loss Formula #1.  It has been magical for me.  It enabled me to sail through the last 80 pounds with nary a hunger pang or craving.  Maybe I'm unusual, but hey, yippee for me that it worked so well!  I also adhered strictly to the Real Dose fast start meal plan which is a hybrid of low carb, high protein foods.  There are tons, repeat TONS of vegetables and just one low glycemic load fruit a day.  No starches, no bread, no grain. Since I had no problems following that for a couple of weeks, I just decided to keep on keepin' on and here I am today, 80 pounds lighter with a miraculous feeling of good health since I have been eating 'clean' for so long now.

All those many many years on Weight Watchers were for naught.  I, like the other 95% of people who lose weight on those traditional plans failed time and again.  Could it be, its all a plot to keep us obese? Well, I fell into it like everyone else who just didn't understand that our metabolisms and adrenal systems were ruined by eating wheat(ie sugar) and other grains.

Why not Weight Watchers this time?  Because I have eliminated all sugars from my diet. Grains are sugars, btw.  The dirtiest, meanest disease causing, human killers since we humans have walked this earth.  I also eliminated all processed foods. You know- the stuff that comes from the inside of a factory and not a farm. No boxes, cans, bags or GMO laden chemically altered shit that takes up 90% of the floorspace of American grocery stores. 

What is this radical diet called everyone asks?  Its simply not a diet.  Its called living clean. I lean toward low carb, but this is no Atkins because the vast majority of my food is vegetables.  I find a lot of common ground with Paleo, but I do like organic unpasteurized dairy when I can find it.  I eat lots of eggs, coconut oil, olive oil and organic butter.  I eat nuts and seeds in small amounts.  I don't touch honey or agave which is a deviation from Paleo.  I can find many vegan recipes I like, but I eat lots of meat proteins only IF it is organic meat, eggs, poultry, grass fed beef and wild caught fish.

I now understand the damage the typical American diet has caused us and I will never go there again. I don't have any desire to eat any non-food items that are full of chemically altered and dead stuff the corporations pass off onto us as so called 'food'.

Sadly, I now also know how Gary destroyed his metabolism, thus damaging his brain, his gut, his digestive system including the pancreas and liver.  Anyone who lives in this country or who eats like most Americans is doomed to the types of inflammation that cause the diabetes, the heart disease, the neurological diseases and the cancers that we just shrug our shoulders about now.  We are not living longer healthier lives.  Look at the obese kids eating what is said to be 'healthy whole grain' cereal.  Death in a box.  Slow death, the kind that will cause our economy to stagger and stop to take care of the cost of the illnesses that grain products cause.  All the while being sanctioned by the FDA, USDA, AMA, AHA and American Diabetes Association.  All have played a part in the lies and misinformation so that corporate profits will benefit the few at the top.

I started an exercise program that I do every other day called Metabolic Aftershock.  Boy, does that work to burn fat also!  I now have very strong legs and am getting better at pushups, mountain climbers, etc etc. As I get stronger and stronger, I want to start doing weight training to really get at the muscles behind the loose skin I have.  I trust my body's ability to heal itself and to eventually 'shrink to fit' better than it does today.  With good nutrition, it will be possible. 

I have no visions of living longer than anyone else.  I just want to feel good until that last day.  So even if the long term damage I've done to myself up to now causes my death tonight, at least I've enjoyed the last few months, I say.

I have been taking a nutrition class now for about two months in addition to my regular weekly call with my nutritionist.  In the weekly classes we are going over in depth all the material from contemporary books like Cereal Killer, Wheat Belly, Grain Brain, etc etc.  I've checked out every book I can from the library, but they are very hard to get.  Seems there are a whole lot of people like me interested in this way of living. I have learned about what it will take to maintain my healthy body that works with me and and not against my self. 

The result is that I've lost 6 dress sizes and have either gotten into and even shrunk out of all of the 'skinny clothes' I had kept in boxes for the last 7 years.  I will start having to buy a few winter clothes so that I can travel to South Dakota/Minnesota in December.  My idea of winter clothing for Phoenix is to wear something longer than shorts on my legs and a t-shirt with sleeves for my arms. I have one swim suit that I actually look GOOD in, also! Now I can enjoy the 4 community pools here without feeling like a beached whale.

This all has helped lead me to a decision to stay here for the greater part of the year.  I can find cheap clothes and food here.  My house is plenty big for me.  I can slowly save up to make improvements to it like new carpet or paint.  It is an appreciating asset and its not a dump.  Most people would say that's a pretty good reason to stay put.  I still want to move someday, but it will probably be to another relatively warm place in the west where snow and freezing temps do not cause fear and loathing to winter drivers.  This next summer I would like to get a job somewhere and earn enough to add to my meager travel fund.  The hardest part for me will be developing the mental fortitude of locking the door here and not worrying about this house and the trees and bushes that may or may not be dying without me here in the summer.  Hundreds of other seniors do this every year, so I should be able to do it also.

I know the way I live my life and the choices I make now may not be what others abide be.  Opinions about food are incredibly embedded into our minds!  Changing minds to see how the food you eat affects you today and tomorrow is a tough job that I am not prepared to tackle.  I just know that what I'm doing is RIGHT!

I have 4 more pounds to lose to my 'other' goal, but honestly, I don't know if I will strive for that.  If it happens, it happens.  I have learned to be happy with how I am today.  This morning as I was out walking Robbie in the cool sunny air, I realized, I have a genuine sense of wellbeing.  Now that's a great feeling to have!

Music that will make you cry

But please don't start crying.  Its actually the title of the album which this song is from.  I heard it just a minute ago on  Pandora.  I like it, don't you? 

Its kinda funny that I chose this song for this post, because to some, this would be considered a glad song, not a sad one.  Its often heard at weddings.

So here I am, on October 17, 2014.  I never thought about what it would be like to be two years out from Gary's death.  I never envisioned what the 'me' I am today would be thinking or feeling or experiencing. Who would, I guess.

There seems to be a lot of folklore around widowhood or the loss of anyone who leaves a huge hole in your life after their death.
"The second year is worse than the first." I heard that one a lot.   I mentioned that to a widow in my neighborhood who looked surprised and asked, "Who says?"  That was not her reality.

I can tell you that the feelings I have today are waaaayyy different than those I had one year ago.  I'm not as overwhelmed, awash would be a good word I guess, in sadness.
I have been anticipating this day for a few weeks, but not as focused on it as I was last year.

Here's the most dominant feeling I have today.  I am thankful.  I am thankful that I had Gary in and of my life.  He was OUR life.  I circled around him.  I don't know if he circled around me.  We all have our own lives too.  I am thankful that he was a good person and that he made me a better person. Heaven knows how I would have turned out if he had not been there to reel me in for 36 years!

Because my life has changed so dramatically in some respects from what it was one year ago, I'm sure others look at me in a different way.  I am ME.  I am not Gary's wife.  I have become self centered because I have had to in order to survive being alone.

I wonder now why Gary thought I should find someone else after he was gone.  I have learned that this is not the best or only action I can take.  I have become much more cautious.  I worry a lot about money.  I constantly second guess my decisions.  I use "I" a lot, too, don't I!!

I often wonder what Gary would be doing if he were still alive.  Would he still be working with Parkinson's? I think yes. Would I be living in a nicer home than this one- a home with lots of 'stuff' that I no longer care about in my current life?  I think, yes again.

Since I do believe that Gary's soul is alive, I believe that he knows what is going on here. I do think he knows that his good friend is now the territory manager in the Southern California branch of Gary's company.  And I can sincerely FEEL the pride and happiness that Gary has that this has come about. I think that Gary would be proud of me to have lost weight and proud too, that I have started giving his tools to family members who treasure them like he did.  

I have not spread Gary's ashes anywhere.  On days like today, I wish there was a quiet serene place where I could spend time at a memorial site for him, though.  I would like to, now that enough time has passed, ask Gary's family what their ideas are.  Do they want some of his ashes to scatter for their brother or father?  I need to hear their opinions. I know that I'll always want some of the ashes here with me too.

This is not a happy day for me, but it is not a day to jump off a bridge anymore either.  My gratitude toward Gary's life will never end.  He gave me so much good material to live on that I still feel his presence everywhere.  I just wish he were here to reel me in still.

No, the second year is not as bad as the first, in my view.  My whole world has changed even though my address has not.  I will always be learning a new way of living.  Nothing is constant but change.

Nothing is constant but the love you will always have for that ONE person who was meant for you. How lucky I am that I found my person because some people never do!

I am also grateful to all who have hung in there with me and who have supported me and Gary in ways that you will never know.  Thank you.

Life is like a box of chocolates

It has been a long time since I added a blog entry, and that is somewhat by design.  Posting is almost a reward to me, and I haven't felt like I 'deserved' a reward until today.

If you ever took journalism in junior high and were taught the way I was, you will know how the rules of writing a story were presented to students.  An article has its own named components:  Headline, Byline, Lead Paragraph, Explanation, and Additional Information

Within that first lead paragraph, should be contained, Who, What, When, Where, Why and How. This is so the reader can get the scope of the whole of the story even if he/she does not continue to read the entire remainder of the article.  Reading newspapers is serendipitous, I think.  As I scan each page, letting my eyes fall on things that may or may not draw me into reading something, I make the decision using the headline and that lead paragraph whether I will commit to reading a given article in its entirety.

Some view the creation of art in the same way.  They say there should be a sequence in planning the art piece so that the outcome will be a vision of what was intended by the artist or the entity who commissioned the artwork. This is whether it be a totally creative piece or a commercial ad design piece.

I had to follow some of these rules in school, but I totally disregarded them when in the 'real world' of my jobs.  Especially for art it just doesn't work(for me).  I could never put a plan to paper before designing an ad.  That's not how my brain works, I guess.  If allowed, I approached each ad with an open mind or merely a thought and it developed into what I finally decided was what I was happy with. Sometimes its hard to know when to say when, especially with art.  Some pieces are never ever going to be 'done' in your own mind. But you just have to either throw it away or walk away.

This is a long winded way of explaining that this blog writing is like the writing of a newspaper article or a creation of art for me.  I sit down, and I may have a thought I want to convey, but what ends up posted in the blog is always a surprise to me.  That's why I like it.  That's why I allow myself the pleasure of putting my thoughts here but only when I 'get' to write ie; when I think I have something to say.

So here's what's been up the last month: I met this guy through facebook who is a friend of a friend. He and I started messaging within facebook and I decided I HAD to meet him.  Why? Turns out he is a world traveler, which is what I aspire to be. He used to travel by choice, but now he is forced by financial conditions to live outside the U.S. most of the time.  He has been all over but has researched many different parts of the world.  He landed in Thailand due to its very low cost of living.

I drove over to Southern CA to meet up with him and have a 3+ hour conversation about the places he considered, what it is like for him and we compared notes on what I have read about such places as Nicaragua and Thailand. He is a very nice man who is willing to share whatever he has learned with whomever asks.  He can't help but speak only for his own experiences though, and that is where he differs from what my hopes are about living abroad. A man has more freedom to live how he pleases without fear than a woman does.  This guy is not a risk taker he says, yet he is the only person I've ever met who actually DID IT.  He just up and moved to Thailand and lived there even while wondering what the heck he was doing there and how he was going to make it.  He survived 8 months well enough to make it back to the states for a couple of months before heading back again to Thailand. No regrets.

In my hours of reading up on places throughout the world that I think I could be a comfortable expat in, I have ruled out Thailand due to the attitudes about women.  I have looked at island nations, and at countries within Central and South America.  I have looked within the U.S. and its territories. The advantages there would be the ability to keep Medicare coverage if I am still around in 8 years at the age of 65.

So I got all excited about starting a new adventure and  I called 3 realtors who told me what my house might sell for.  The bottom line is, not enough.  I sorted through my options of selling anyway and buying a cheaper place here(there are much smaller townhomes and condos) or possibly moving out of state closer to family in Colorado and finding a small townhouse there as a base camp.

Renting my house out is always an option, but the rental rates they get here just aren't enough that I would see any profit after the cost of moving my possessions to storage, the storage fees each month, my continued maintenance costs of the house and the property management fees I'd have to pay as an absentee landlord.

Then there is the issue of my fear of being able to live my new life like I want to.  In other words, my fear of losing control over my diet and exercise routines.  And I do mean routine.  Everything I do is with purpose and toward my goal of losing and keeping off 84 pounds.  As of this morning I have lost an even 70 pounds.  How I have done that is by being in control of my thoughts and body and knowing what I need at all times.  How can I manage that in a country that doesn't have all the conveniences of  'my' grocery stores, 'my' produce options and access to the same amenities that I am dependent on right now?  I can't quite cut the cord yet. I have been working my ass off to build this new life for almost 7 months now and I'm not willing to just cash it in and run away to Fiji to eat bananas or whatever. Also, I'm not dumb- I should wait even if just for a year to watch if local home values increase a bit more to ease the bite of selling for less than what I have invested into the house.  Seems logical, no?

There are always workarounds.  There are many places in North America I haven't seen.  While still getting used to my new way of living/eating, I can explore on my own and be able to know that I can find a Trader Joe's or a good grocery store nearby which carries 'my' kind of beans or organic strawberries which I use to stay on track with healthy living.   I have always wanted to go up the coast of Oregon, for example.  I still want to visit friends in Canada, too.  Why not? Why wait?

Life may be like a box of chocolates, but I do know one thing I will never take from that box: a chocolate.  They're just not part of my plan anymore.