Thursday, November 22, 2012

I miss everything about you

They say that journaling is helpful, even therapeutic to a grievee(that would be me). If nothing else, blogging, or electronic journaling, promises to be a diversion of sorts. I have always liked right brain activities like writing and drawing. If I am to develop this blog into anything more, I need to get more into photography.

I am new to widowhood at 35 days since Gary's death.  I wish it were longer, and at the same time I wish I could go back and relive the last 365 days. It's just crazy that I am here in this place(Peoria, AZ) I never imagined I'd be in. I don't know why I am here, I just know I don't know where I belong.

It was one year ago today that Gary and I sat in the hospital on Thanksgiving Day.  It was a Seventh Day Adventist hospital so the menu is vegan by default.  A special treat for the patients was a 'real' looking turkey dinner. It didn't pass even Gary's low standards for turkey. He LOVED turkey, and LOVED cranberry sauce that was mandated to be present on the side.(This guy ate cranberry sauce year 'round. He would find it on sale and buy out the store when he got the chance!)
Gary's being there was odd to us both.  After a blood test the day before, he was so anemic his GP had ordered him in to get 4 units of blood. So, against his wishes, I took him in Wednesday night. Why? We could not/did not ask.  We had to make another office appointment to find that out.

Keep in mind, we both thought he was invincible.  Even though Gary had Parkinson's, having been diagnosed 5 years earlier, he had defied all expectation of disability from tremors, freezing, slow movements and the litany of other effects of the disease.  He proudly sat at our PD support groups as perennially the only one who worked 60 hours a week at a job he absolutely loved and had no intentions of ever quitting, Parkinson's Be Damned.  Gary always had a mildly warped sense of humor.  We both do so we 'got' each other.  It was a kick to hear something come out of his mouth and be the only one to understand.  He'd watch people as they'd cock their heads while we explained it, waiting for them to catch up. Gary definitely lifted the mood at those meetings. No, "Oh woe is me" stuff.  Gary was just a machine. Working 7 days a week, at work and doing construction and remodeling at home. He was rarely sick and never stayed home even if he didn't feel 100%.

After being released late Thanksgiving night, we made plans to do what we were going to do on Turkey Day, go to Golden Corral.  Since we have no family nearby and it is cost prohibitive to fly at Thanksgiving, we often went to restaurants just the two of us.  Gary's favorite type of restaurant was any Buffet. That's Buffet with a capital B.  He was master of eating at these places.  Back at this time, he still weighed his standard 205lbs on his 6' 2.5" frame. He could have probably stood to lose about 15lbs, but he wore it well.  Often he would pat his gut and say, in a Barney Fife-like way, "I didn't get this body by accident!"  No Gary, you got it by eating at Buffets.  So the Friday after Thanksgiving 2011, we went 'up the hill' to Hesperia, CA to eat lunch at Golden Corral. I remember thinking that he didn't eat as much as usual.  He blamed it on the bad turkey the day before ruining his appetite.  He ate without his usual enthusiasm.

The ensuing Christmas season saw Gary's appetite still suppressed. He said things just didn't agree with him.
He went in for a endoscopy (upper GI scope).  The GI Doctor came out to tell me that something was seriously wrong.  Gary was bleeding and had esophageal varices- varicose veins in the esophagus where it joins into the stomach.  He was hospitalized to have them banded in January.  The bands had the effect of making it very painful to swallow food.  It got 'stuck' by Gary's definition and so he ate less, waiting for them to heal. 

I can't and won't drag you into the details of the misdiagnosis and misadventures of the medical practitioners at Loma Linda.  As a way of closure for my own mind, I have shredded about 20 pounds of paper medical records from his care there.  I blame myself for not being proactive in those initial weeks to MAKE those people read and listen and at least give me credit for being a thinking person who maybe-- MAYBE might just be right.  Big deal, I was right.  They were wrong.  Gary dies anyway.




2 comments:

  1. john and i are reading along, through your personal memories and loving words. always in our hearts..
    .

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  2. The highlight of my week were weekly lunches at el torito, Asia buffet, hometown.... and one other Asian place who's name escapes me at the moment :)

    ReplyDelete