Public Education for the Terminally Tactless

I'm going to put in a plug for a site that I've been getting newsletters from for about 8 years.  I'll go MONTHS without reading them, and then, just like when you're standing in the checkout line at the store, some magazine headline will jump out and make you interested enough to look inside of the rag they're trying to sell.  This site is:

I'm pretty sure they won't mind me using their logo if it brings more eyes to their website and therefore more chances for advertising bucks.  

This site is very comprehensive on ALL topics about mental health and the related issues.  For instance two of the stories I read today that are totally unrelated to death or grief are titled,
Nostalgia Can Make You Feel Warmerand  The Amazing Benefits of Sleeping Longer

But before I lose you all to the links where you can read these fascinating articles, I also dove deeper into the website about widows/widowers topics.  I found one of the countless lists made by widows and widowers who document the inane comments we hear after the death of our spouse. I gleaned just a few of the gems to share. 
It's easy to read these and think, "Well that's just stupid.  *I* would NEVER say something like this to a widow/widower."  But alas, you do because I have heard them.  In fact, we all say this crap. I know that I said or at least thought some of these SAME things before I was a widow!

It was making me upset that people are so careless about what they say when dealing with widows, but I read another point of view on this just yesterday from another widower who is 3 years out from his wife's death. 
This guy has made a new life out of speaking about his widowhood and about death specifically of spouses.  He says that the number one pet peeve of widows is when people compare the death of a spouse to a loss in their own life.  He says this happens because, as humans, we seek to understand the other person, but when we have no experience that is exactly like the widow's, we do all that we can to find another experience in our own life to relate it to.  He says, "Its like when a child goes up to an amputee in a doctors' office and asks, "Did you hurt your leg?" The person confirms, "Yes, my leg hurt so badly they had to cut it off."  The child, will hold out his finger with a band-aid on it and say, "See this?  I hurt my finger too!"
Obviously the two 'hurts' are on the opposite spectrum of each other in affectation to the child and the adult, but the child has no other experiences from which to draw on so he can relate to the amputee.

This explains some of the comments made by people who truly care, but who just can't know what to say to a widow when they themselves have not 'lost their own leg'.  They show us their band-aids and try to relate.  There are many, many more comments that are downright toxic and uncaring though.  I do blame these ignoramuses for their thoughtlessness.  Read on, and you'll be amazed at some of the actual phrases/conversations heard by bereaved spouses: 

  Dumb Remarks and Stupid Questions 

"I know what you're going through."

(No you don't - unless your husband or wife has died.)

"I know exactly how you feel. After my nasty divorce was over I was…”

(Neither I nor my husband chose to end our marriage, so it is NOT like your divorce, OK?)

"Call me if you need anything- really" 
(You need WHAT? Sorry, no can do)

"It was for the best"

"God needed him more."

"God has a plan for everything"

(So did the Broncos.)

"At least he's not suffering anymore."

 (Why did he have to suffer at all?)

"So.. what are you thinkin’ - a year or two and you'll be over it?"

"If you need anything even just to talk - just call me"

(But all I get is your voice mail)

"Go back to work, it will distract you."

 (If I went back to work before I was ready, I would be so distracted I'd probably lose my job. Besides, I don't want to be distracted from my feelings.)

"Did he or she smoke?"

(I didn't attend the cremation)

"At least he lived a full, long life"

(I don't consider 55 that long a life)

"So what are you going to do with his tools?"

"It's been two weeks/six months/three years! How long are you gonna let this control your life?"

The day started out good, then came "the phone call." ARGGGHH!!! It was a lady I had met just once before at our Parents Without Partners meeting. She was calling to see when the next meeting will be, and asked me how long I had been divorced. When I told her that my husband had died, she laughed and said, "If it's any consolation, I wish my ex was dead!"

Two weeks before Nancy died, an Army Chaplain asked me if I had thought about getting married again. My soulmate, lover, and best friend was still with me, and he had the gall to ask that. I will never forget his callousness.

"You are young you'll find someone"

(HELLO I had someone! He was ripped away from me! Why don't they get it! I had something so great and it was taken away from me. It was my once in a life time I'll never have that again! I wish people would stop saying you're young, like that matters!)

"I haven't visited, because as long as I don't come over, I can pretend that he's still there."

(I have to live here every day, and believe me, I know he's not here.)

"You can talk to him any time you want. He hears you."  (But he can't answer.)

On the day of my husband's funeral.....a relative on my husband's side came up to me and said.... "What are you going to do with ALL THAT insurance money?

"You seem to be taking this well"

(You wouldn't want to see me when I am upset)

"At least your children are all grown"

(So that means I'm totally alone now)

When a man's wife dies, many men seek to bury themselves in some action or cause. In the movies, they shed one and a half tears, drink a fifth of whiskey, and charge off into the sunset to conquer evil, right injustice, save the world.

So, when I get the question,  "So what have you been doing?"   ‘Grieving’ doesn't cut it as an answer.  I've tried: "Seeking the meaning to life, existence, and the universe, and finding a cure for cancer in my basement." 

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If you've read this far, my last request  would be to just 'listen' to how these comments FEEL as if your own ears are hearing them at the absolute worst time in your entire life. Maybe, just maybe you can avoid uttering these same words to the next widow you encounter.  A lot of widows out there will thank you for your new found empathy.