Is Paradise really out there?

 

“Sometimes the hardest part isn’t letting go, but rather learning to start over”

~Nicole Sobon~

I want to share something that I've been thinking about and here is a song that says exactly what I mean.

When I first returned after Gary's memorials, I ran into an acquaintance whom I had met at the association dog park.  We had talked a few times and I knew she was a widow but didn't know for how long. She is now 59.  When I bumped into her again in November, I told her that Gary had died.  She had a surprising response after giving me her condolences,  "What are you going to do next?" She knew I have no ties here in Arizona and only moved here for Gary's treatment.

I mumbled something about money determining what I would do.  She looked at me almost impatiently, and said, "No, never mind that, that will take care of itself- what do you want to do next?"

She has been widowed for 10 years after her husband died suddenly at age 48 from a heart attack and she was 49.  She knows of what she speaks when she asks me what I want to do with my life now. She is doing what she found as her own path. She lives part time near Cancun, Mexico(she drives down there with just her dog) and part time here in my neighborhood.

A few weeks later, my new counselor asked me the same thing as one of the first questions he went over in getting to know me.  "Why are you still here?" he asked.  "What do you want to do?"  I thought, what's with these people?  The people online in Widows Village, the widow in HR at Gary's old company, and even the supervisor I had to talk to at Blue Cross/Blue Shield who I learned is a widow all ask the same thing, "What are you going to do?  What do you want to do?"  In a way, its very disconcerting to think I have a choice in this decision, because most people do not get the chance to wonder what they want to do next.  They are in their prescribed rut which has the same old familiar walls around their life they've been looking at for years. It can be comfortable or not, but its still a rut.

I know that quite a few of my former coworkers have experienced something close to this because after all the offices were closed by the company, they lost their jobs and have, or are, reinventing their lives. Most though, are anchored with a spouse's job and feelings to think about. They have family nearby that they cannot or will not move away from or houses that they can't sell and lose money on.

I don't have that situation. I could rent my home out and do alright. I could even sell it in a few months and probably not lose money because the market is getting better here. I am told now by my financial adviser that if I stay smart with money, I can live a conservatively comfortable life and still have some money to leave to our sons. I don't have to stay here.  I have nothing stopping me from dreaming of my next life.

Do you remember your dreams when you were a kid?  Do you remember summers sitting around with your friends and speculating with them about what you'd do if you had a hundred dollars or even a million dollars? What did you tell your friends you wanted to be when you grew up?

Here's my dream as a 10 year old:  I am an artist who lives with my rancher husband on a beautiful ranch in a western state like Montana, Wyoming or Colorado near the mountains.  I have a sweet horse that I can ride anytime I want.  I spend my time drawing and painting horses with the mountain scenery as a backdrop.  I get to be out in nature all day every day. I grow flowers and vegetables and am very happy because this is Paradise to me.

Ha Ha!, you laugh now of your goofy 10 year old self's dreams.  Life got in the way of Paradise.  That will never happen because of reality.  Maybe you think that 'someday' you will get to live a little part of your dream after you retire.  Maybe you hope that you and your loved one will get there together to share a modified Paradise. But maybe 'someday' doesn't come for you both together...

I could get there, but it would be alone now. Ironically, I could never have imagined having this option if Gary had lived. That makes me very sad.

What would you do next if you suddenly were given the chance to change your life right now and not in some foggy retirement future that you can only hope will happen? I'm not talking winning the lottery, but just getting another shot and taking that other fork in the road.

The people who ask me what I want to do are urging me to follow my dreams.  Can the 10 year old still inside me imagine Paradise the same way?  Its pretty cool to have a choice, but I feel I must be cautious despite what everyone tells me. So I waiver.  Do I dare dream of Paradise at all?  Would you? Do you?