September

I have been pretty down lately about the holes in my existence.  I feel like I need to hurry and fill the holes as if there is some deadline looming.

Obviously the biggest BIG DAY is coming up for me: the one year anniversary of Gary's death. I think I've stated before that the day Gary died, may not be the worst day of my life.  The worst was when Gary got diagnosed over his cell phone on the way home from work by a guy who worked under the doctor who didn't have the balls to call Gary during daytime hours himself.  Tacky beyond tacky in a thoughtless uncaring way! Terrible treatment of a fellow human being.  When Gary got home, he walked upstairs, flopped on the bed and just started crying as he told me, "its cancer".
 The day Gary died was the beginning of still worse days. Just because 365 days will have been completed without him on October 17th doesn't mean that the bad times are over.

Here's the surprising fact I've learned from nearly every widow I've talked to about the passage of time after their spouse dies:  The second year is worse than the first.  I have no way of understanding why, just as I could not have guessed how I would get through the first year alone.  'They' say that the death and the fact that he is gone forever really sinks in during the second year.  I have a feeling that this may be because the loneliness becomes more pronounced after friends fall away and family have put the widow aside.

My situation is different in some ways though.  Since I have no family or friends here anyway, I haven't been invited on outings that someone cooked up just to include me.  No parties or get-togethers where I'd be the 3rd wheel.  I have been a unicycle here for almost year already.
I still feel very directionless.  I don't know what to do about that either. I have no one to bounce any ideas off of or give me opinions on my what ifs.

My grief counselor sessions ended last month.  I got 12 home visits and that's that.  I quit the evening group I was going to and I joined an afternoon grief group that is very unsatisfying.  Everyone in it, save me, is in their 80's.  The old ladies talked to me and truly want me to come back, but I don't feel any commonality with their situations. The widowers in the group are numerous, but also pretty old.  Some of them are obviously scoping out the chicks in the group to make their moves.  One of them actually said jokingly that he was looking for a "double breasted bed shaker".  That's the moment I knew I wouldn't be going back
.
I have 2 things to look forward to in my immediate future, a temporary reprieve from the heat on a drive up to Sedona with friends from California, and a quick trip to Minneapolis next month.  I am hoping that talking to my friends and family can get some of my what if questions to stop running circles around my head.
I am also hoping that when the weather finally cools off in late October that I can plant some garden plants.  I have missed tending a vegetable garden soooo much. I will have to beg the guy across the street to help me get the drip system set up for the garden first.
I think constantly about next summer too.  No matter what,  I cannot/will not be here for the summer again. I can't hack it anymore.  Whether I am in California, Colorado or South Dakota, it will NOT be here in southern Arizona!
These are things that I will enjoy hearing opinion on from my friends and family.  But the decision will still be mine.  Everything is mine alone now, even if I'd rather be sharing everything with someone else.