Master Control

What's Up? For me, Control is up.
What's Down? My weight. It decreased by two pounds this last week, making my current weight loss 23 pounds since February 11.
What's also up? Fear.

Fear of the lack of control is in us all, I'm sure.  We strive for a lock on the ability to maintain control of ourselves and our actions.  Sure, there may be days when you get to lose control or you feel like cutting lose and drinking yourself into oblivion or dancing and singing out loud, but for most of us, those experiences of abandonment can be counted on one hand over the course of our lives.

We have a mental vision of ourselves and sometimes that is skewed way off center, so we see ourselves as way too fat, or too this or too that.  Unfortunately, I think my mental picture of myself is as an overweight, but fixable person and not the obese, flawed person my shadow actually casts on the sidewalk. I remain in the 'Obese' category on the BMI calculators.  I have to lose eleven more pounds before I get to call myself merely 'Overweight'.  The goal weight is still 60 pounds in the distance.

I call myself a 'good dieter', because I can whip myself into a mindset that controls my actions for a set period of time.  But along with the regained sense of self control satisfaction, my sense of fear also rises and I become very very afraid of losing my control. I have stay within my rigid lifestyle, not veering off course by eating anything 'bad' and not slacking off on exercise. I feel guilty for not doing that extra set with weights or for not pushing myself as hard in every stretch and jump.

Its hard to lighten up and just go with the flow of living and eating a good healthy diet.  I become obsessive about weighing, measuring, timing of pills, water intake and caloric, fat, carb and protein intake.  I tend to make this losing weight into a job, because I end up devoting most of my morning, day and night to planning, eating and preparing the right foods for me to lose weight and achieve my goal.

I have been contemplating driving over to California for all of 2014. I keep putting it off, especially since I've been on my diet.  If I don't make my legal food in my kitchen with my own hands, I have to trust the cook at the restaurant to give me only 3 ounces of meat and not 3.5. And when I order a 3 eggwhite omelet, how do I know there are no yolks in it or a portion of a fourth egg? Do they use coconut oil like I do at home?  Highly doubtful.

Best to just stay at home, I tell myself.  Maybe this is why convicts will re offend so they can be put back in prison where they do have a sense of control of their tiny part of the world.  I can also relate to eating disorder sufferers who strive for perfection in how they choose foods and work out. That thing called eating can't be stopped or you will die. But the ability to control how much you eat is entirely up to you all day long, every day.

I am not looking forward to going to California or anywhere where I will be confronted by food that I am unsure I can eat and still keep losing weight.  My weight loss is the number one thing on my mind right now.

I used to manage alright with Gary if we could go to buffets. He would pile his plate high with all sorts of forbidden foods. I ate veggies and drank coffee while watching him scarf down carrot cake with cream cheese frosting topped with ice cream.  He was as supportive of my dieting as anyone could be who had never had to count calories, points or drink 10 glasses of water a day. His support came in the form of telling me I had a 'bony butt'.  I knew I had achieved success when he gave me that sort of compliment!  One thing I will forever be thankful of that Gary did not do.  He never ever criticized my shape or weight.  He knew better.

I am thinking of making up some portions of acceptable foods that I can freeze and thaw to eat later so that I can go mobile and travel while still retaining control. This is fine, but it will mean that if I go out to eat with anyone, I will have to sit and watch them eat while I drink tea or coffee. 

That's what control is, and it means everything to me now.