Happy 58th

Another April 13th.

As I mark another milestone without my husband, I was thinking that I probably feel more down on Gary's birthday than even the other days of importance, like the day he died, or the day he was diagnosed or his last day of work. I think its because those days are meant to be dreary and sad.  A birthday, though, is supposed to be happy and satisfying and made up of fun and surprises.  But not anymore, its just hard for me. Happy or not, I will never NOT think of Gary on his birthday.  If we can make holidays out of dead presidents' birthdays, I should get to mark the occasion of my Gary's day of birth, right?

April used to be a hopeful month.  When we lived 'up north', it was finally the beginning of spring with a whole lot of crappy cold days mixed in. It was Easter and candy and eggs and pastel colors everywhere.  Here in central Arizona, April means the hot days return, the AC's start up and the snowbirds leave. Whatever state we've lived in, April was Gary's birthday so it was a good month because of that.

Even though being born on Friday the 13th could be seen as being bad luck, the idea that I had Gary meant the best of luck for me.  Back in Sioux Falls, we always went out to eat wherever he wanted, usually a buffet like Apple Annie's or The Anchor Inn which had all you can eat froglegs.  Later, Gary liked Olive Garden(endless soup and salad), Coyote Canyon, The Royal Fork and then in California, it was Hometown Buffet. Souplantation just wouldn't cut it because they had too many healthy vegetables and not enough desserts to meet Gary's high standards. And of course, there was Dickey's for lunch or for when we'd meet up with friends who like to eat on a budget.

Always, Gary got a dessert on his birthday. He hated the obligatory "Happy Birthday" song to earn the dessert, but it was a price he was willing to pay. That's another reason he liked buffets. Dessert without the hassle or the candle.

As if to make up for being born on a Friday 13th, Gary's April birthstone is a diamond.  I think about that every time I put on the ring I had remade for me from Gary's wedding ring and my diamonds.  It is handsome and bright, just like Gary, although I would prefer it be worn as intended, on his hand, not mine. I wear it on my left hand and I'm sure people think its my wedding ring.

Happy 58th birthday, Gary. Some things have changed in the nearly 18 months since you've been gone, and some things are still the same.  I still miss you every minute of every day and I wish you were here. But I just KNOW that they have Dickey's BBQs up in heaven and you will enjoy your pulled pork sandwich with waffle fries and your Big Yellow Cup filled with all you can eat ice cream and just a little root beer. Someday, I will be sitting across from you in a booth again watching you eat.  Happy Birthday. I Love You.  Forever.