So here I am, on October 17, 2014. I never thought about what it would be like to be two years out from Gary's death. I never envisioned what the 'me' I am today would be thinking or feeling or experiencing. Who would, I guess.
There seems to be a lot of folklore around widowhood or the loss of anyone who leaves a huge hole in your life after their death.
"The second year is worse than the first." I heard that one a lot. I mentioned that to a widow in my neighborhood who looked surprised and asked, "Who says?" That was not her reality.
I can tell you that the feelings I have today are waaaayyy different than those I had one year ago. I'm not as overwhelmed, awash would be a good word I guess, in sadness.
I have been anticipating this day for a few weeks, but not as focused on it as I was last year.
Here's the most dominant feeling I have today. I am thankful. I am thankful that I had Gary in and of my life. He was OUR life. I circled around him. I don't know if he circled around me. We all have our own lives too. I am thankful that he was a good person and that he made me a better person. Heaven knows how I would have turned out if he had not been there to reel me in for 36 years!
Because my life has changed so dramatically in some respects from what it was one year ago, I'm sure others look at me in a different way. I am ME. I am not Gary's wife. I have become self centered because I have had to in order to survive being alone.
I wonder now why Gary thought I should find someone else after he was gone. I have learned that this is not the best or only action I can take. I have become much more cautious. I worry a lot about money. I constantly second guess my decisions. I use "I" a lot, too, don't I!!
I often wonder what Gary would be doing if he were still alive. Would he still be working with Parkinson's? I think yes. Would I be living in a nicer home than this one- a home with lots of 'stuff' that I no longer care about in my current life? I think, yes again.
Since I do believe that Gary's soul is alive, I believe that he knows what is going on here. I do think he knows that his good friend is now the territory manager in the Southern California branch of Gary's company. And I can sincerely FEEL the pride and happiness that Gary has that this has come about. I think that Gary would be proud of me to have lost weight and proud too, that I have started giving his tools to family members who treasure them like he did.
I have not spread Gary's ashes anywhere. On days like today, I wish there was a quiet serene place where I could spend time at a memorial site for him, though. I would like to, now that enough time has passed, ask Gary's family what their ideas are. Do they want some of his ashes to scatter for their brother or father? I need to hear their opinions. I know that I'll always want some of the ashes here with me too.
This is not a happy day for me, but it is not a day to jump off a bridge anymore either. My gratitude toward Gary's life will never end. He gave me so much good material to live on that I still feel his presence everywhere. I just wish he were here to reel me in still.
No, the second year is not as bad as the first, in my view. My whole world has changed even though my address has not. I will always be learning a new way of living. Nothing is constant but change.
Nothing is constant but the love you will always have for that ONE person who was meant for you. How lucky I am that I found my person because some people never do!
I am also grateful to all who have hung in there with me and who have supported me and Gary in ways that you will never know. Thank you.
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