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Love.

I never knew how much trouble it can bring on.  It wrecks havoc on your mind and heart and soul.  It consumes all your time and thoughts.  It is intense and subtle and it is always always there inside and outside of you.
I never would have expected that there are different loves depending on the time of life and the circumstances you are in when you fall into its abyss.
I admit I am stupid in love.  To the point of losing myself.  And that scares me shitless.  Why do I have to lose myself to gain a new life with this person?  I feel like its just part of the deal though.

He loves me.  I adore him.  I hate the time we are not together, even though those times are never too long, thank God.  I never before felt like a human being has invaded my heart until this person barged in.  It makes me cry-because of who he is.

I am happy when I am with him; super happy.  As usual, with me, there is a BUT though.  As we drive around together I see more colors and the sun and sky are brighter than they were a few months ago.  And yet, here's the 'but'... I am scared and sad that I am giving up part of me that I can't get back.  My past is so full of one other person that I feel guilty for letting in someone new.  Its like Wiley Coyote stepping off the edge of the cliff and looking down realizing that there is an anvil tied to his ankle.  Too late- I am in free fall!

There is plenty of air time on the way down for all my emotions to  run through my head.  I am lost to my old self and I will find a new self when I land on the bottom in the arms of my new love. Or will I? Will it be a mistake that I am giving up so much for a new love? I am learning and trying very hard to trust that he will not let me down.  He is just plain, deep down kindhearted.  He shares his feelings and thoughts like no other man or woman I've ever known.

I try so hard to believe that this is not a mistake even though nearly every person I know offers advice of caution to me.  I listen, I think about it, I worry and fret and can't sleep because I feel like I need to doubt that this is real.  And then he tells me it is for real and it is forever.  And I believe him and I love him even more for putting up with my fear and insecurity. He talks about forever endlessly.  And I listen, believe and breathe a sigh of relief.

Now every day is a new experience.  I loved my old life with Gary. I am so grateful that I had someone like him to teach me how to live in this new life. This is extremely painful yet wonderful to write here. I think of Gary even more these days.  I will always love him, but I am also getting used to the idea that I am not hurting or cheating on him by loving again.  This is a huge hurdle for me; actually its more like a mountain to get over.  I am forever thankful that now I found a partner/lover/friend and soulmate to hold my hand as we climb my mountain.

Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder

Even if you have never imbibed, most people have at least heard of the high alcohol content drink called Absinthe.  Isn't it interesting that the label for alcoholic drinks used to be 'spirits' in times past? I think that makes them seem more mystical than just beverages that make you walk funny and slur your words.




When love is still new, being away from the one you love is tough.   Really tough.  Phone calls are not good enough.  Texts can actually be better, but still don't envelope your senses like being in the presence of your loved one.

When I was first married to Gary, he would sometimes go on hunting weekends with his brother-in-law or other friends.  I hated those weekends. I felt at wits end going about my day without Gary and those days were so long and empty.  I just didn't want to be without him. One might chalk it up to being young, but it was real and it made me really depressed for the time he was away.

Flash forward 36 years and here I am feeling a lot like I did then.  I cannot wait to get back to my dear man.  Its sappy, and yes I am being a wimp.  I never thought seven days would go so slow while traveling! And although I am having fun and there is much to enjoy on this trip, I want to go home.  Home to where I am not a mom or a daughter or an in-law.  Home to where someone showers me with niceties and tells me he loves me over and over.  Home to walks with arms entwined and hugs and kisses and cuddling on the couch.  You know what I'm talking about: the GOOD STUFF.

Being apart is hard, but it does induce a forced look from afar at the person you are, the person he is and the people who make up the relationship. Its a painful but necessary means to clarity.

So back to Absinthe-yes, drinking Absinthe or gin or beer or wine probably does make the heart grow fonder if that is the mood you start out drinking from anyway.  I think just about any drug would.  But the biggest factor, ABSENCE, is what takes the cake when it comes to truly making the heart grow fonder of the person you want to be with forever.

Today is the first day

---of December.
------of a new path I'm on.
----------of the rest of my life.

There is no way around it.  My life has changed forever because I have met someone who is my new center.  Everything revolves around him.  Its more than love being injected into my being. It is mindset, it is dreams and hopes and plans.  It is about my future as a 'me' but more importantly,  part of a WE.

I had a goal of losing the unhealthy fat from my body by November 1st. I have achieved that and then some.  One of the reasons I thought this was a good time to achieve that goal is it would be two years since Gary's death.  Everything I read and heard was that two years out from a loss is a stepping stone to beginning your life anew with possibly another person if you are so lucky.

And I AM so profoundly lucky.

I thought I would have to join an online dating website to meet people who would interest me.  My luck got me much farther because my new love was right in my neighborhood.  How convenient!

How strange that he tells me now that he was insecure and did not call me right away because he thought I would reject him!  He had became the divorced man's version of a social butterfly taken in by the flock of neighbor ladies who brought him under their wings as their project.
But he did finally ask me for my number and called me for lunch.  Two days later we were out attending another event and then I left town for four hellishly lonely days apart.

What the heck happened to ME?
I had been turned into an US overnight.

As he tells me, he believes that he 'caught lightning in an eye dropper'.  This guy has so many sayings, he could write a book of this stuff. I should take notes and publish one.  He's  interesting, fun loving, adventurous, open minded and is a very rare man in the way he actually tells you what he feels.

And I mean everything.  All.The.Time.

He tells endless tales of the misadventures in Alaska as a kid and as a student at Boise State. He enjoys telling his stories because they make us both laugh.  What's not to love?

I wonder as I fold laundry, or vacuum or pick weeds, what is the BFD with saying to someone, "I love you"?  When is the relationship 'mature enough' to be able to say it?   And who writes the rules on this shit?  Why does there have to be rules at all?  Who cares that I fell in love with a man and he with me and that we both know it is not infatuation or puppy love or a crush.  We have both experienced love so we know what it is and what it is not.  This is it.

So I sit here and write my thoughts into cyberspace's notebook, listening to Pandora as it churns out old 70's songs that are newly special to me.  Songs with lyrics of love, and falling in love, being with my baby, and being happy.

Today is the first day of many many more full of promise, hope, happiness.  I hope I never get to the end of this string of firsts.

♥♥♥ Hello from the top of the world! ♥♥♥