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Love.

I never knew how much trouble it can bring on.  It wrecks havoc on your mind and heart and soul.  It consumes all your time and thoughts.  It is intense and subtle and it is always always there inside and outside of you.
I never would have expected that there are different loves depending on the time of life and the circumstances you are in when you fall into its abyss.
I admit I am stupid in love.  To the point of losing myself.  And that scares me shitless.  Why do I have to lose myself to gain a new life with this person?  I feel like its just part of the deal though.

He loves me.  I adore him.  I hate the time we are not together, even though those times are never too long, thank God.  I never before felt like a human being has invaded my heart until this person barged in.  It makes me cry-because of who he is.

I am happy when I am with him; super happy.  As usual, with me, there is a BUT though.  As we drive around together I see more colors and the sun and sky are brighter than they were a few months ago.  And yet, here's the 'but'... I am scared and sad that I am giving up part of me that I can't get back.  My past is so full of one other person that I feel guilty for letting in someone new.  Its like Wiley Coyote stepping off the edge of the cliff and looking down realizing that there is an anvil tied to his ankle.  Too late- I am in free fall!

There is plenty of air time on the way down for all my emotions to  run through my head.  I am lost to my old self and I will find a new self when I land on the bottom in the arms of my new love. Or will I? Will it be a mistake that I am giving up so much for a new love? I am learning and trying very hard to trust that he will not let me down.  He is just plain, deep down kindhearted.  He shares his feelings and thoughts like no other man or woman I've ever known.

I try so hard to believe that this is not a mistake even though nearly every person I know offers advice of caution to me.  I listen, I think about it, I worry and fret and can't sleep because I feel like I need to doubt that this is real.  And then he tells me it is for real and it is forever.  And I believe him and I love him even more for putting up with my fear and insecurity. He talks about forever endlessly.  And I listen, believe and breathe a sigh of relief.

Now every day is a new experience.  I loved my old life with Gary. I am so grateful that I had someone like him to teach me how to live in this new life. This is extremely painful yet wonderful to write here. I think of Gary even more these days.  I will always love him, but I am also getting used to the idea that I am not hurting or cheating on him by loving again.  This is a huge hurdle for me; actually its more like a mountain to get over.  I am forever thankful that now I found a partner/lover/friend and soulmate to hold my hand as we climb my mountain.