Its always been a matter of trust.

I have major major trust issues, or rather, I should say I have developed major trust issues.  I didn't know this about myself until maybe 3 weeks ago. It really sucks, too.  I am not used to these recurrent feelings, having never had them in my 37 years with Gary.

I have gotten relationship advice about my love life again from well meaning people.  You know the types- those, 'Do as I say, not as I did' type people.  Never mind that no two situations involving people are ever the same.  Ever. 

I listen to the advice and admonitions and I start to cave into the doomsday scenarios playing out in my head.  O.M.G.  What have I done?  What am I getting into?  How could I not see this coming? How can I be so naive in my 50's fergodsake?

The doubt gathers around me like a gas and I start to feel so low that I want to curl up into a ball.  I wait until the 'perp' aka, my beloved one, now turned asshole in my mind finally calls or stops by, not realizing he has walked into a buzzsaw of my accusations  So I look at him like he is Satan and I lay into him, telling him what he has been doing to me while he looks at me like I am from outer space.  Actually, I do feel like an alien and I hate what doubt can do to destroy what is between us.

After taking as much as he can take of my baseless accusations, he admits he is a messed up man trying to get through his own adjustment to being divorced.  He then asks if I need space.  No, what I need is to rediscover trust.  Trust in myself this time.  Trust that I am not being an idiot for taking on someone who is vulnerable, and imperfect and who was the first to admit this to me.  Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.  This also goes for he who is without fear and doubt and imperfections.  Humanity is chock full of us. For this very reason, I don't carry stones around in my hands to throw.

I love this guy and I am finding out that in order to trust him, I have to trust my instincts, my gut and mySELF first and foremost.  No one else but me, and me alone can make the right and wrong decisions for my life. 

Like Billy Joel wrote:
"The core remains of what began with a passionate start."
My guy and our relationship are still in the passionate start mode.  It is a core that is growing rings of trust around it. Like all of us as individuals, it is a Work In Progress.

What about those advice givers who just KNOW they have the answers for me? In reality they are just parts of the great guessing game of life and I know that we are all just along for the ride.

In Marsha We Trust.  Because, in the end, Marsha is all I can trust!