Coming Undone

Have you ever been at a point, or have you been in a moment, or have you felt you are in a time that you wish you could just freeze frame time? When you could make the world -STOP- until you could catch your breath and catch up with your feelings?  I have and I do and that time is now!

I have had these little bursts of light and energy before, but not for many, many years.  They were back when I was in other loves long ago. I would just have that instant realization that, "Wow!(this is what people said before OMG came along)- I am soooo lucky and I know it! I love this person I'm with and I want this feeling to last forever!"

OK, so the other day I asked my dear man where he saw us in six months.  He quickly answered, "Living together in one house and being happy there."  A day later he asked me the same question.  I gave him a roundabout answer worthy of a politician's response to a direct question in a political debate.  In other words, he got no satisfactory answer.  He asked me again one early morning, "You never answered my question.  Where do you see us in six months?"  I could only answer with a sentence starting with the words, "I hope..."  I am very aware that everything is tenuous, including our relationship.  Now why should I think this, when I'm coming off of a relatively strong solid relationship that lasted for 37 years of my life?  I understand what it is to live with stability. I also know what it is like to not have it at all.

If you have read my blogs, you know that I don't make a very good optimist.  I think the worst, plan for it and cross my fingers that I am wrong.  If that glass does end up being 51% full, then surprise and rejoicing ensues.  That is why I hope for the best but expect the worst.  I could be the president of Skeptics Anonymous, but I even have my doubts that I'd get enough votes for that....

So when I come across something so exciting, wonderful and joyous as a person who cares and wants to be that 'forever person' to me, I sincerely want to believe it can actually be true.  Except, there is a tugging at the coat tails of my heart reminding me that NOTHING LASTS FOREVER.  And I wonder when that other 'forever shoe' will drop and I am left feeling stoopid for daring to believe I could attain happiness again.

Six months into the future may as well be six years from now.  I scan my horizon and look for clouds.  These endless sunny days of southern Arizona stretch to the jagged outlines of the mountains surrounding my desert but they give no clues. I hate uncertainty.  So even though I've fallen for and have had a helluva lotta fun with this guy after feeling lower than shit for more than two years, I want to know deep down what forever feels like and that I do deserve it and have waited long enough to begin feeling alive again.

Maybe none of us is meant to know this, though.  Is this our undoing? Is this how we sometimes become undone?