From my window seat, I looked out into the clouds and thought back on all the trips Gary and I flew together including the last one which took us to Seattle and a cruise to Alaska. How odd it seems now that we were just 4 weeks from the end of Gary's life. He certainly didn't think so, and it was probably more enjoyable that way.
The clouds below my plane to Orlando probably resembled the ones Gary flew over on his last One Way flight to Sioux Falls the day he entered hospice. I have huge regrets that I was not sitting next to him on this last flight. Again, we were thinking he'd live at hospice longer and I would need a car so I made the drive to Sioux Falls in two days.
I can't shake the feeling that whatever I am experiencing without Gary, I can still call him or tell him about it when I see him again. I understand this is a common feeling of widows who have the same thoughts for the first year or more. Its the feeling that their husband is just away on a trip or working out of town. "We'll catch up later," my mind says to me, "when Gary pulls into the garage in the truck he drove from the airport." Maybe he is in Vegas putting a trade show together or he is at a managers' meeting in Michigan. "It won't be long." thinks my faulty brain. Soon he'll walk through the door to give me a hug that only my 6'2" husband can deliver.
Being alone when traveling is nothing new to me. Sometimes Gary and I would leave from separate airports and meet up at a connecting flight or at the destination. It was kind of freaky but fun when this happened at the start of the trip, but to have to split up for the flight back to our separate homes was a lonely feeling for me.
I always tear up when I say goodbye to someone. I don't know why, but I have ever since I would say goodbye to Nathan when he was driving the 60 mi to go back to college. Its one of those times when I'm aware that things won't be the same ever again. The people you love are going back to where they came from and we both have our own circles in which we travel outside of the one we just included them in. More recently, it is the sad, sad feeling of knowing you may never see that person again, even if it is them just making a short drive back to their home. I used to tear up when I said goodbye to Gary every Sunday, no matter if he took me to the airport or if I drove back to Phoenix in my car. Its just the way I operate.
When I met up with Darla and Bob at the Orlando airport, it was so good to see them. I have so much to be grateful for them to have thought of sharing a few days of their vacation with me. They are way too generous the way they treat me. I've actually known Bob longer than I knew Gary. He is one of the nicest guys on this earth and is still the same person as when we met when I was 14 and just a 'little sister'.
The weather was perfect; sunny, warm and no wind. Warmer than usual for the time of year, but there were no complaints from us.
Everything was decked out for Christmas and there were some new attractions that had recently opened. I should have studied this earlier so we could have run to get the Fast Passes for those, but oh well.
We went on quite a few rides and exhibits and saw things that Bob and DL remembered from a trip about 20 years earlier. The highlight was eating in the different countries of the world. I like Morocco the best.
It was a good day, even though many times I felt what it is like to be the odd man out now. Rides built for two people meant I sat alone. It sure would have been nice to have Gary next to me.
The reason I even went on this trip was because I didn't have to feel guilty about going without Gary. This sort of vacation was not something we would have done now that we have no young kids to take. I felt that if I went, I wouldn't be cheating poor Gary out of something that he wanted to do but can't now that he's dead.
I had a great time with Bob and Darla just as Gary and I always did when we went places with them. We ate at some good restaurants and the weather couldn't have been better. On Bob's golf day, Darla and I went to an outlet mall and looked at things for grandchildren.
I am so appreciative that my peeps thought of me. I am so glad I have a sister and a brother-in-law who are kind and patient. I still got teary eyed when we went to our separate gates for our flights home. Of course I thought of Gary when I walked through the Vegas airport because it seems everywhere I go now, the previous time I was there, it was with him.
Now that I'm back at the house, I am reminded of the fantastic warm evening last Saturday when the three of us sat outside on the patio overlooking the golf course eating prime rib and sipping on Margaritas. I have a tangible memory of those moments in my mind every time I reach down to scratch my ankle where the Florida mosquitos feasted on my leg that night.
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