I had a setback over New Years and so I pulled back and reassessed my words and actions in my dealings with the people whom I care about most. In my opinion the absolute worst thing one can experience in this life, other than the death of someone close, is to be accused of something you did not do. It strikes to the core when something that is totally false is levied against you. It takes time to get through to yourself and realize on your own that you have done nothing wrong and you are not a bad person.
The things I feel I must get out are purely my thoughts and feelings at this moment in time. I know they aren't consistent with what I thought or felt a year ago, nor will I be the same person with the same feelings two years from now. None of us are. Please just know that my writings here are remembrances and feelings about how the things that happened in my former life with Gary shape what my future may be.
Anyone who reads this knows that everything we do and everyone we encounter make up who we are. I would not trade a moment with anyone I have spent any time with. My children, my brothers, sister, parents, in-laws, friends, co-workers and of course my life with Gary are all precious. It has made for a great life that I am exceedingly lucky I have been able to live.
I decided I need to look again at how I treat others who grieve Gary's death. You all deserve the same care and respect and love as you extend to me. This is not just my loss, even though I may feel like it sitting where I am so far from all of the people who cared about him. Some of this is my desire to be isolated right now. I am amazed that most of the widows I hear from feel or have felt this same inclination of holing up in their houses. I am told by counselors that this is OK. Of course I do go out to get what I need to fix up the house, but I am very content to come back and shut the door on the world again.
I was told that keeping friends and relatives at arm's length for awhile is perfectly normal. I am grateful to everyone who understands this and still encourages me to get out and go places. I just can't do too much too soon. And right now, two months out, its just too soon for me.
My job, I'm also told, is to tell people what I need. This is really hard because there some who don't want to listen and think they know what I need. It will take some grit on my part.
So its 2013 now and the past is past. My counselor encourages me to keep writing, and keep writing to Gary. Not just about him- to him. I had abandoned that in the last week. I felt so awful I didn't even want to talk to HIM. But I know Gary well enough that I could hear him saying I should go on doing what I need to do. Gary really trusted me to to the right thing and he told me this often. It is one of the many reasons I loved him so much.
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