Just Out Living

November 24, 2013

was the day that I got to start living longer than Gary did.  You will think this is strange, but Gary was one year, one month and one week older than me.  So one year, one month and one week after his life ended, November 24, 2013, was the day I started living longer than Gary got to.

Its not fair. Its not right.

Maybe I should treat this as a gift and that every day I should now live for both Gary and myself.  That's a noble idea.  I miss smiling most of all.  Smiling at his hits and misses at humor.  If only I could have taken some of his skills and talents on too, but they had to die with him.

I always thought of myself as being younger, because I was, but now I am older.  Will he recognize me when I see him again? He will be as good looking as ever, I'm sure. Not me, I have started to dye my hair to cover the gray.

Two nights ago I woke up at 1:30am. I had a strange feeling and heard Robbie walking around in the hallway and kitchen like he could hear something.  It was then that I felt so scared and alone not having someone else beside me as comfort even if he was snoring and sleeping soundly.  I never got back to sleep until after 3am because of fear of the unknown.  I will be taking nighttime tylenol from now on.

For everyone who still has their spouse, treasure their presence and kiss them goodnight. And most of all, try to not outlive them.

BUT...

Do you think that having reason means you are reasonable? It would seem logical, BUT not necessarily so. I come up with ideas which I think stem from good reason, yet when these ideas form in my mind as if they were coming to pass, they don't pass the reasonable standard.

I have never before conflated wants and needs into desires until being alone. My desire to move back to California can't be called a need; it is a want. I thought I could beat it down after months and months of seeing the home prices there spike up to prices that are out of reach of my current means.

So I tried to be reasonable.  I reasoned that what I am actually looking for is a place where I won't feel so alone. A place where I have my own peeps. Ahhh yes, Denver. BUT I looked for several weeks there and all I could find to buy would be shacks in undesirable areas or condos that have sky high HOA fees. As of today, I threw in the towel on Denver.

Well, I have the old standby Sioux Falls. BUT when I was there for 10 days in December, I stared out the window of the store I was working in at the people scurrying around in the snowy parking lot at -20 below buying party goods or Quizno's sandwiches.  I thought to myself, "These are not my people. I have no connection with this place anymore." Everyone I do know in Sioux Falls and Denver and Minneapolis and Southern California has their own life with their own family and circle of friends and activities.  I can't try to be a part of their scene without being asked.

Every idea I have anymore has a BUT attached to it.  I think one moment that I will drive to California for example, BUT I can't because I should save the money I'd spend on gas.  I wanted to go up to Sioux Falls for a 60th birthday party, BUT after I saw the steadily increasing airfare prices while I sat unable to decide if I should spend the money, my decision was made for me as the price became unaffordable.  So it seems every plan, every desire, every wish has a BUT followed by a NO.

Selling the house seems stupid one hour and the next it seems imperative to get busy and fix it up to sell it. BUT if it means losing money then NO I should not do it! For every place I think would be a possible next step, there is a BUT: there is sales tax on food, or there are taxes on Social Security(I'm planning ahead 10 years), or that state has high property taxes, or the auto insurance rates there are too expensive, or the gas prices are too high there, or they don't have Trader Joe's or IKEA... it never ends.

Do you think of the places you lived as 'places'?  I don't really.  I was thinking of the places I'd go back to, BUT I realized tonight that the places I've loved living, like Minneapolis, are not part of me, I was just part of the places for a short time and now I'm gone.  I don't get to keep those places, like California, I just got to borrow them and now use them as pleasant memories.

This all makes me sad, because I have no place anymore.  I guess I never did!  All that moving and every house we built and sold... its really true you can't go home again. Where the hell is my home anyway?

One morning a few weeks ago I woke up feeling 'normal' again.  It was before I was fully awake and I thought Gary was still alive because he had been in my dream. I only vaguely remember we were standing on a curb and I think we were moving(a very common thing for us!). This morning again I dreamed about Gary being by my side as we did stuff together.  Like I said, it made me feel normal again. Later in the day when I recalled that feeling, I realized Gary has been in a lot of my dreams.  We are never fighting nor are we rolling on the floor in fits of laughter. We're just talking and doing stuff together like we always did. You could say we are just 'living' in the dreams.

Not having Gary is the biggest BUT NO that surfaces whenever I look at any house online anywhere.  Anything I'd buy needs work.  BUT I can't buy it because I have NO Gary to do the remodeling to make it our home.  I will never not miss having Gary to talk to, to make plans with, to discuss things with and just plain 'figure it all out'. BUT, NO :~(

Alone Again UNnaturally

 "Alone Again" by Gilbert O'Sullivan played on the radio when I was in my Tie Dye Days in 1972 at age 15.  I remember being in the backyard of our house on Braemar Drive using multiple Rit colors to transform t-shirts into rainbows separated by jagged white rubberbanded lines. Tie Dying was so popular that oftentimes Lewis would be sold out of the brightest most brilliant colors.
I didn't really listen or think of the words to Alone Again and the meaning of the thoughts O'Sullivan was expressing in the song until a particular summer day outside when I stopped and stood still to hear and make myself think about and remember the lyrics.  I did feel alone myself, but not in an especially bad way.
By the time I was 15 I was an 'only child'. My oldest brother was 24 and living in Denver, my other brother seven years my senior was long gone and living on his own.  My sister, at nineteen was off in Colorado working as a construction flag girl for a road crew. I was alone really from age 14 on, but I felt alone long before this. From about age 11 on, I would take our dog for long long walks every day after school.  The feeling of Alone does not always equate to being lonely but I think that is if you have a choice in the matter.

I have been feeling the distinct discomfort of alone-ness the past few weeks.  Health issues magnify the fact that we all need someone who can take charge when we need them to.  I am no Grizzly Adams surviving in the wilderness nor do I want to be. I have been again thinking and rethinking my next move.  I have so many doubts and wonder when I will ever feel secure again. Insecurity is an exasperating feeling for me.  I don't like it.  It turns what should be a ho hum existence into a nail biting anxiety attack for me.  Owning a home is no longer pleasurable to me.  I stress out about what will break down next and know that I have no one who can just fix everything.  I cannot complete even general maintenance on things that my husband used to do in minutes at my bequest.  I set aside a small amount in savings each month for emergencies like a new air conditioner and a new water heater, but know I still lack enough money to fix multiple problems if they come all at one time.
I need to hire someone to fix the backyard deck under the pergola. I finally steeled myself to call some guys out of the paper.  One wanted to charge more than the entire pergola and deck cost in materials, paint and labor!
I've got to make this house easier to sell by tiling the bathrooms and laundry, so I shopped for tile at Lowes today.  I have the advantage of knowing what I want and knowing what I need.  Buying decisions are easy, but yet so hard to know if I should be spending any money at all on this house. I want my better half to consult with!
When I do sell this house, I still don't know where I will go. Worse still, I still have not figured out how to even get to the point of knowing what the right thing to do is.

Last week I went to a free showing of the movie "Labor Day" presented by AARP.  It was shown all over the U.S. to AARP members.  I drove the 30+ miles to Scottsdale to stand in line waiting to get in. There were many other single women among the usual couples while we waited in the theatre for the show to start. Everyone but me had someone to talk to. So I sat and listened. I didn't have to strain to hear the women conversing next to me about what they were doing and what they wanted to do.  One was especially candid with her friend about what she wished for and felt she was missing.  She had apparently at one time moved to Phoenix from Omaha and still knew a man from outside Omaha.  She talked about how she wished for a male companion: someone to hug and hold and kiss and be intimate with.(Yes, she actually said this!) Yet, she didn't necessarily want to be married again, and she didn't want to give up her beautiful condo and move back to Omaha where it was -6 degrees.  I thought, wow she is really being frank with this friend.
I had never put my thoughts into words like this woman did, yet all these same thoughts float in and out of my head all the time.  I get lonely.  I feel trapped in this life now. I don't like where I am and I don't like the thought of moving either. I hate that I can't do the things I took for granted before. There are rules that if you are part of a couple you may not realize. First and foremost of the rules: I can't go out to eat (alone). I can't go to happy hour for a drink and half price appetizers (alone).
I did go to the movie alone and justified it because it was free, but the act of driving there alone, walking in alone and walking to the car afterwards alone were not enjoyable because it was not by choice that I am alone.  I wonder if I had been divorced if I would feel differently.  I can only guess, but my impression is that many divorced women have some sense of freedom or power as they strike out alone because they left their ex and the marriage, rather than the marriage dying with their husband.

Selfish as it is, I still think I would prefer to be divorced instead of widowed.