I have never before conflated wants and needs into desires until being alone. My desire to move back to California can't be called a need; it is a want. I thought I could beat it down after months and months of seeing the home prices there spike up to prices that are out of reach of my current means.
So I tried to be reasonable. I reasoned that what I am actually looking for is a place where I won't feel so alone. A place where I have my own peeps. Ahhh yes, Denver. BUT I looked for several weeks there and all I could find to buy would be shacks in undesirable areas or condos that have sky high HOA fees. As of today, I threw in the towel on Denver.
Well, I have the old standby Sioux Falls. BUT when I was there for 10 days in December, I stared out the window of the store I was working in at the people scurrying around in the snowy parking lot at -20 below buying party goods or Quizno's sandwiches. I thought to myself, "These are not my people. I have no connection with this place anymore." Everyone I do know in Sioux Falls and Denver and Minneapolis and Southern California has their own life with their own family and circle of friends and activities. I can't try to be a part of their scene without being asked.
Every idea I have anymore has a BUT attached to it. I think one moment that I will drive to California for example, BUT I can't because I should save the money I'd spend on gas. I wanted to go up to Sioux Falls for a 60th birthday party, BUT after I saw the steadily increasing airfare prices while I sat unable to decide if I should spend the money, my decision was made for me as the price became unaffordable. So it seems every plan, every desire, every wish has a BUT followed by a NO.
Selling the house seems stupid one hour and the next it seems imperative to get busy and fix it up to sell it. BUT if it means losing money then NO I should not do it! For every place I think would be a possible next step, there is a BUT: there is sales tax on food, or there are taxes on Social Security(I'm planning ahead 10 years), or that state has high property taxes, or the auto insurance rates there are too expensive, or the gas prices are too high there, or they don't have Trader Joe's or IKEA... it never ends.
Do you think of the places you lived as 'places'? I don't really. I was thinking of the places I'd go back to, BUT I realized tonight that the places I've loved living, like Minneapolis, are not part of me, I was just part of the places for a short time and now I'm gone. I don't get to keep those places, like California, I just got to borrow them and now use them as pleasant memories.
This all makes me sad, because I have no place anymore. I guess I never did! All that moving and every house we built and sold... its really true you can't go home again. Where the hell is my home anyway?
One morning a few weeks ago I woke up feeling 'normal' again. It was before I was fully awake and I thought Gary was still alive because he had been in my dream. I only vaguely remember we were standing on a curb and I think we were moving(a very common thing for us!). This morning again I dreamed about Gary being by my side as we did stuff together. Like I said, it made me feel normal again. Later in the day when I recalled that feeling, I realized Gary has been in a lot of my dreams. We are never fighting nor are we rolling on the floor in fits of laughter. We're just talking and doing stuff together like we always did. You could say we are just 'living' in the dreams.
Not having Gary is the biggest BUT NO that surfaces whenever I look at any house online anywhere. Anything I'd buy needs work. BUT I can't buy it because I have NO Gary to do the remodeling to make it our home. I will never not miss having Gary to talk to, to make plans with, to discuss things with and just plain 'figure it all out'. BUT, NO :~(
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