To whomever reads these blog entries:

I've gotten some feedback from reader(s) who state that the thoughts I am expressing here are bringing them down.  Sorry, I don't mean to project myself as being a Debbie Downer.
It is not, nor ever was my intention that my thoughts presented here would lead people to wonder about me(is she losing it?), or feel bad about themselves, their own feelings about me or Gary, or what I write, alright? Alright.

I speak in this blog somewhat in the format that I would (if I had one) to a professional therapist.  I really do need to find another therapist.  Really need to. I kind of feel like my edges are fraying about a relationship issue. I'm maybe, just maybe entering into something that I should not be, but who the hell knows what is right and what is wrong? Not me! Not anymore. I sit here and consider what more I can expand on about this in this blogpost, but I am so damned cautious anymore, I can't make a move without questioning myself. I get the shakes just thinking about this. What's wrong with me? Right and Wrong are blurring. Will one prevail?

Add to this, some people have told me I've changed a lot in the past 14 months.  Well, does anything or anyone stay the same I ask?    nuh uh!

Why, I ask the computer screen, can't I do what I feel and not beat myself up for feeling it?
I'm rebelling against the feeling, then trying to listen to the tiny common sense voices that I thought I could count on.

Oh Good Lord, this is so ridiculous, bordering on stupid. I hate change, but in some ways welcome it.  I am hating changing, but can't stop it. This incomprehension is more than an annoyance.  Is THIS why 'they' say the second year of being alone is worse than the first?  Feeling this way makes me think, "Oh yeah."

<insert primal scream here>

Being so cryptic is a pain too, but leaking any information here, at least for now, is something I couldn't handle because I'm not in control yet. How do I gain control of my marbles when my bag has holes in it!

For now, just go to bed. Its gotta be better tomorrow.

Deep Breath................exhale