Master Control

What's Up? For me, Control is up.
What's Down? My weight. It decreased by two pounds this last week, making my current weight loss 23 pounds since February 11.
What's also up? Fear.

Fear of the lack of control is in us all, I'm sure.  We strive for a lock on the ability to maintain control of ourselves and our actions.  Sure, there may be days when you get to lose control or you feel like cutting lose and drinking yourself into oblivion or dancing and singing out loud, but for most of us, those experiences of abandonment can be counted on one hand over the course of our lives.

We have a mental vision of ourselves and sometimes that is skewed way off center, so we see ourselves as way too fat, or too this or too that.  Unfortunately, I think my mental picture of myself is as an overweight, but fixable person and not the obese, flawed person my shadow actually casts on the sidewalk. I remain in the 'Obese' category on the BMI calculators.  I have to lose eleven more pounds before I get to call myself merely 'Overweight'.  The goal weight is still 60 pounds in the distance.

I call myself a 'good dieter', because I can whip myself into a mindset that controls my actions for a set period of time.  But along with the regained sense of self control satisfaction, my sense of fear also rises and I become very very afraid of losing my control. I have stay within my rigid lifestyle, not veering off course by eating anything 'bad' and not slacking off on exercise. I feel guilty for not doing that extra set with weights or for not pushing myself as hard in every stretch and jump.

Its hard to lighten up and just go with the flow of living and eating a good healthy diet.  I become obsessive about weighing, measuring, timing of pills, water intake and caloric, fat, carb and protein intake.  I tend to make this losing weight into a job, because I end up devoting most of my morning, day and night to planning, eating and preparing the right foods for me to lose weight and achieve my goal.

I have been contemplating driving over to California for all of 2014. I keep putting it off, especially since I've been on my diet.  If I don't make my legal food in my kitchen with my own hands, I have to trust the cook at the restaurant to give me only 3 ounces of meat and not 3.5. And when I order a 3 eggwhite omelet, how do I know there are no yolks in it or a portion of a fourth egg? Do they use coconut oil like I do at home?  Highly doubtful.

Best to just stay at home, I tell myself.  Maybe this is why convicts will re offend so they can be put back in prison where they do have a sense of control of their tiny part of the world.  I can also relate to eating disorder sufferers who strive for perfection in how they choose foods and work out. That thing called eating can't be stopped or you will die. But the ability to control how much you eat is entirely up to you all day long, every day.

I am not looking forward to going to California or anywhere where I will be confronted by food that I am unsure I can eat and still keep losing weight.  My weight loss is the number one thing on my mind right now.

I used to manage alright with Gary if we could go to buffets. He would pile his plate high with all sorts of forbidden foods. I ate veggies and drank coffee while watching him scarf down carrot cake with cream cheese frosting topped with ice cream.  He was as supportive of my dieting as anyone could be who had never had to count calories, points or drink 10 glasses of water a day. His support came in the form of telling me I had a 'bony butt'.  I knew I had achieved success when he gave me that sort of compliment!  One thing I will forever be thankful of that Gary did not do.  He never ever criticized my shape or weight.  He knew better.

I am thinking of making up some portions of acceptable foods that I can freeze and thaw to eat later so that I can go mobile and travel while still retaining control. This is fine, but it will mean that if I go out to eat with anyone, I will have to sit and watch them eat while I drink tea or coffee. 

That's what control is, and it means everything to me now.

Chasing Rainbows

This 

is a picture

of what the 

end of a

rainbow looks like.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The heck you say, that's nothing but a photo of a couple of boxes with what looks like some clothes in one and writing on the lid of the other.  You would be right, of course, but to me it is a pot of gold waiting for me at the end of a rainbow.

 When I was little I remember being very interested in rainbows and pots of gold.  I drew lots of rainbows and always included the requisite pot of gold at the bottom of one side.  My mom encouraged my imagination, pointing out rainbows in the natural world.  I always wondered why we couldn't just hurry and drive or run to one side of the rainbow to get the pot of gold.  They always remained elusive, though. Mom said I'd have to get there before the rainbow disappeared.  Humpf! There always has to be a trick to this stuff, I decided. So the easiest way to realize the goal was to draw rainbows and pots on paper.

I am in the midst of my latest and(could it be?) last quest to get my personal pot of gold.  My pot(s) sit on the shelf of my closet. They are boxes of clothes that are sized 2, 4 and 6 which I wore the last time I was small enough to get into them.  I loved the feeling of wearing those clothes by being the necessary size to do so and to feel comfortable in them and in my skin.  You can never be too rich or too thin, the old saying goes. So, although the gold coins are missing from my pot, zipping up a size 4 pair of shorts is MONEY!

Since February 8th through today, March 21, I've lost 20lbs. Yes I feel better about myself, no doubt about that, but the better feeling is that I have made a substantial dent in my journey.  Ideally I will lose another 60 - 65 pounds before I'm done and the pot is mine to wear again.

The other day I took down the boxes and lifted out the clothes piece by piece.  They look like doll clothes to me now. They may as well be for how small I will have to be to get into them again.

The rainbow path is filled with hard work and exercise. I have new tools at my disposal to make it to my goal before the colorful vapors can dissipate and leave me wondering why I ever believed my mom about chasing rainbows and pots of gold.

No luck involved here, just perseverance.

 

 

Training Wheels

Tonight I was walking by a house that was recently purchased and moved into by a new couple.  The man and woman were outside speaking to another neighbor of mine.  It was dark, but they called me over to get introduced all around.  Turns out the lady is telephone trash like me! She retired at the age of 48 with 21 years service working in both Mountain Bell and Southwestern Bell. We can speak the same lingo like divestiture, craft, management, 3+ 3 and surplus.  She saw it all through her career too. She seems very likable, as are most phone company retirees.  We compared battle scars, but of course I won hands down on how my future was screwed by the people who raped and pillaged the once proud and ever so profitable directory side of the business.
I will certainly be stopping by to see her in the future.  She seems like a fun lady.

The other neighbor, a long time resident of the area, is looking for a dog for her disabled husband to hold and pet. She was checking into a poodle advertised for $170.  I told her to check out the shelters because they will often give away rescue dogs to seniors at no cost.  The lady said she had looked into that but all they had for her was a 3 legged dog...  I interrupted, "let me guess- named Lucky?" She stopped and looked thoughtful then smiled. I went on, "Maybe the dog comes with his own scooter, so you can take it for walks and he won't have to lift his leg!"  Both ladies laughed.

I might not have said this sort of thing a month ago because you never know how people are going to take it.  Some of these people here are waaaaaayyyy too serious about their dogs. My joking could have been taken as cruelty.  I am now willing to risk being taken wrong for the sake of showing who I am and how I think.  I am riding with no training wheels into this, my style of living.

Training wheels were dirty words in my house growing up.  No Baron kid was ever going to have a bike with training wheels!  You had to either sink or swim learning to ride two wheelers.  We all had the bruises and scrapes to show for it during our bicycle boot camp experiences.

We were pretty damn fortunate kids at that.  My grandma and grandpa were the only grandparents we had and we were their only grandchildren.  We four got nice things from them that other grandkids did not. Each of us got brand new shiny Schwinn bikes.  We didn't get no stinkin' Huffy bikes from Lewis or Ace Hardware, ours were purchased off the showroom floor of Fred the Fixer's. We all got the latest models complete with plastic streamers inserted in the holes of the handlebar grips. It was way cool the way they smelled and looked.  That is, until you had to learn to ride it.  Then the little dings and scratches made their way forever onto the pretty paint of the frames.

Learning to go solo is like this in a lot of ways.  Like our street on Braemar Drive, living now is learning to ride and balance on a hill.  Exhilerating, but there is always the odd crack in the sidewalk or the car that doesn't think kids should be on bikes in the street that won't give you a break.  Sometimes the bike spins out in the curb and you put a nasty scrape on the pretty whitewall of your tire. And once you sail down the hill and reach the bottom, you've got to turn the bike around, stand up on the pedals while pumping your legs like crazy to get to the top of the hill again.

What a ride though, right?  I don't know anyone who, once they get the hang of riding a bike doesn't love it.  We never ever need to learn it over either, because once you've got the balance thing down, you don't forget it.

My forays into getting my life balanced have to start somewhere and it may as well be in my own neighborhood.  So far, so good I guess. There is no hill to go full speed down here and no one at the bottom yelling, "CAR COMING!" so you need to watch it, but also not be too overly cautious.

We were lucky to have the kind of childhood that gave us the freedom to make judgements.  Adults need to give themselves the same freedom as they come across bumps in the road of life. No training wheels allowed.

Its All Good

This is a great song by Donald Fagen(Steely Dan)which rose in the charts in November 1982.

There sure was some good music that year, the year we lived in Enid, OK. 

Let Go. Chill. Chill-ax. Take it easy. Don't sweat it. Its all good. No worries. 

We've heard these cliches before a million times.  We pass them along to others way too often.  Most often this 'wise advice' is discounted, unheard, and not acted upon by those who receive it. 

But, if you can feel what these platitudes can do within your own life, they may actually have some merit.

Here's a personal example of what I mean.  The other night, walking Robbie in the warm evening wearing shorts and flip flops, I was lost in thought as usual. It was still light enough to see colors and Robbie, who is fearful of the dark, prefers that.  I rounded a corner toward a grassy area where Robbie loves to go to smell other dogs' scents in the grass and I was thinking how strange it is that I enjoy the place, the scenery, the activities I now have here.  Then I understood what a friend had observed after reading one of my previous blog entries: I seem to be at peace now.  

Yes, I have decided that this is my home, and yes, its the very same place that I was bashing and finding fault with for the past year.  But of course, I can't let this new feeling just BE without wondering how I got to this affirmation...

So, just at sunset, it dawned on me(hah-get it?) that I finally get to RELAX.  Relax and quit stressing about the what will be's and what if's that could happen.   I even saw the image of the word 'Relax' in my mind's eye.  There's something about having that x at the end that makes it a pleasing image to me.

I'm not saying this is my forever home, but it's not bad, especially this winter!  Living here where it is warm makes for a more laid back existence if you allow yourself to slough off the crap that gets to you.  Obviously, there are people here who are aggressive and driven and stressed, but I don't have to deal with them very often anymore.  And yes, I do understand that I am fortunate.

I still compare my existence here to my former existence in California, and I've come to the realization that my quality of life is better here.  Yes, its hard to hear some of the mean spirited things that are flung around by those in Arizona state government. But, while not ignoring it, I can also choose not to make it part of me.  

When I first moved here in 2003, I saw the fake license plates you can buy here for the empty space on your front bumper that read, "Its All Good".  I had never seen that before. I think I finally understand it now though.  Hot summers, warm winters- Its All Good.  Scorpions, snakes and coyotes in your yard- Its All Good. Sitting outside under misters in summer at dusk with a glass of wine- Its All Good.

Donald Fagen wrote the song you're listening to in honor of the optimism from the year of the International Geophysical Year which ran July 1, 1957 to December 31, 1958. I came into being during this same time period.   I've read that there was an air of promise then and the world just knew the future was going to be fantastic. I like that ideal and would like to keep a tiny bit of that same expectation for my own future.

What a beautiful world this will be. What a glorious time to be free.

:o)

I remember being in grade school when my sister was the pianist for a play they performed, Alice In Wonderland. For weeks, it seemed,  my family heard the piano playing, I'm Late for hours on end until it was practiced to perfection.  I never cared for the play or even the movie, actually.  I just don't have the same affinity toward Disney movies as everyone else.  And DON'T get me started on Elvis.  Elvis!  Never liked that guy either.  But I digress...

The one part of Alice In Wonderland that I do remember is the Cheshire Cat's smile.  You know how when the cat faded away, only his smile remained visible.

I was folding clothes this morning and I started recalling Gary's smile and his constant attempts at humor. I can tell he was introspective to a certain point, because he would sometimes walk in the door at night and ask me things like, "Have you ever noticed....?"  "Have you ever wondered why...?" That guy could come up with the most bizarro observations and I could always shoot holes in his theories, but he was undaunted.  I know he ran his crazy ideas past his coworkers too, because sometimes he'd tell me what so and so told him and often there would be an actual discussion about the ridculous ideas he had. That never stopped Gary from continuing to wonder and propose his ludicrous answers. After he'd drop these funny musings on me he'd smile and say, "Huh?  Huh? See?" Gary was never wrong(in his own mind).

I was just thinking about how many times I would just dismiss Gary's stupid ideas as yet another goofball quirk of his.  I am now remembering that afterward, sometimes the next day, I'd be home when he was at work and his crazy notion would come back to me, and then I would start wondering about it too!  And I'd smile.... Gary.  :)

I never told Gary how much I enjoyed his little mind games and jokes and quirks.  I never gave him compliments for his great personality.  I never told him how much fun I had and how much I looked forward to him coming home every night with new things to share and funny things he saved to talk about. I would just remember later...... and I'd smile.

So, today, folding the clothes, an act that is the same now as it was when I was Gary's wife, except I now have no mens clothes to fold, I remembered some of the funny things Gary said.  He made an effort to share things with me purposely to make me smile. I've said before how I adored his irony and dry cutting humor.  No one will ever, ever compete with Gary's wit. So folding the clothes, this memory came back to me in this thought:  A smile can last long after the person who created it. When other things fade, the smile remains. I can still picture Gary's smile as he told his little stories, waiting for my reaction.  I remember my smiles after the fact in appreciation of the mind that came up with this stuff.

I am the beneficiary of Gary's smiles even now because I've learned that they are a rare commodity.

The next person who gets to be loved by me will also benefit from Gary's smiles, because I will never take a good sense of humor for granted anymore.  I will tell this special person that I think they are crazy and funny and how I love that about them. I think smiles are gifts that we give someone and we should always let that person know how much we appreciate it.

Hello Old Friend

Do you ever think about people in your distant past?  Maybe its a neighbor kid, or a student at the same high school or it could be a coworker you left behind in a job you used to work at.  What if that person you remember from your past is YOU??

How many people do we go through as we live our lives? Gosh, I'm thinking I've run through at least 10 versions of myself, but like Sybil, we are all different people.  Some of my 'me's' are pretty forgettable, or maybe I wish I could forget them.  I don't like some of those other Marshas.

The me I started being after Gary died was one skin I was glad to escape from.  It took awhile to shake that persona.  I think I was able to see my way out and pick out one of my more likable versions circa my 20's and that's kind of the one I live in presently.

How does this happen I wonder? Certain circumstances, a chance meeting and a conversation can spur desire and growth and change.  Having a new relationship with someone who is unlike anyone I've ever known is a big one.  I got to be a new 'me' but a morph of me as a younger person.  It was GREAT.  I am forever grateful that I got to turn a corner and find this other self and feel and talk like a different me.  Frankly though, it was addicting and it was destined to end, so it did.

Unlike old experiences of breakups, this relationship was not even old enough to put my heart through the wringer. Thank Goodness!  What it did do for me was to make me realize that I get to be friends with many other people and mostly be friends with myself in a whole new way.

I am very glad I was able to be involved even for just one month with a person I could never have imagined would be in my life until this time in my life.  I am also glad I have the times we shared in my memory and am relieved that I didn't let feelings get in the way of having fun while still being able walk away happy.  No regrets-no way! Plus, I got to be reacquainted with a shiny new me that I didn't know I could be.  It makes me get excited about what future relationships are in store for me.

Hello Old Friend.  Its really good to see you once again.