Blog Within a blog: Rubberband Ball

I started a post 2 weeks ago with the intention of trying to explain to myself and anyone else who reads this blog what it feels like to be me nowadays.  Its not pretty, that's fer sure.  This is what I wrote and saved it in draft form because I could not put anymore feelings into it at the time.

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Rubberband Ball    

That is what I picture myself as looking like inside my head and heart now.  I don't like it one bit.  I have been avoiding putting these emotions down on on cyber paper until now. Its past time to face this, though.

My existence is so confused and mixed up with emotions of my weight loss, weight gain, falling in love with a messed up divorced person and my still active grief over the loss of Gary.

Its been a roller coaster of emotional eating and drinking combined with feel good emotions of being deeper and deeper in love with someone and getting to know both myself and him more each day.

I am not a close follower of The Biggest Loser, but I do know that whenever I see shows about people who lose weight, there is always a lot of crying involved.  The metamorphosis from a seemingly obese unlovable blob of humanity into someone thin who is suddenly worth more to society may be striking to observers, but gut-wrenchingly emotional to the person who changes into something new via weight loss.  One literally does enter a new life, and I am a far different person than I was a year ago.

Add to this, the seemingly simple mode of living as a thin person while learning to live with someone else and bend to their desires and emotions and way of living and you've got a very unhealthy recipe for eating not for health but almost as a death wish to fail. 
I can't explain how many times I have used food yet again to dull my senses because I am overloaded with fear of the unknown.  Fear of doing the wrong thing is my biggest worry right up there with worrying about finances and health insurance costs.

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This whole act of living is actually harder than I thought it would be.  Harder than a year ago.  Harder than it should be or has to be, I believe.

Here's the deal. My head is at odds with my reality, and no, I don't expect anyone to understand that idea.  I have a relationship with a man who I am learning more about every day.  Someone who could maybe even be a life partner if fate will allow.  This man was attracted to me in part because of my looks, although he did say I could 'stand to gain some weight'.  He now says I look 'fine' and I used to be 'gaunt'. I don't think I looked 'gaunt', but I am in agreement that the loss of 86 lbs doesn't make one into a super model of perfect proportions.  So I have gained enough to 'look good' in DM's eyes, but now I am frantic that it will not stop. I just can't do this all over AGAIN.  Too old; too TIRED!

Losing fat is 99% nutrition and 1% exercise.  That is even more true for postmenopausal women.  I am wading through all the nuances of having the messed up metabolism and thoughts of a postmenopausal woman even though I've been at this game for 10 years already.
I know, I know, TMI is being mouthed at the computer screens right now!  Facts are facts though and the fact that women of a certain age just do not and cannot respond to eating and fat loss the same way as a 25 year old male weight lifter.  Nope. No way.

So I am trying to figure this one out.  Put the metabolic puzzle together.  I am in pieces on the table of life and only I can fit the puzzle back into a pretty picture.

I can be helped to learn how to handle my thoughts through mindfulness like Jill Coleman teaches on jillfit.com. 

I keep up with Metabolic Effects Menopausal Weight Loss plan which is actually still more self discovery into what will clear the cobwebs and lead me into an effortless co-existence with food.  I had 'the talk' with DM about how he can support me by basically shutting up and not telling me what he thinks I should eat.  We both know that I can't afford to gain any more fat and be satisfied with the outcome.  Will I start going nuts and weighing myself every hour?  Not anymore. This is not about weight, this is about fat and fitting into clothes.  Waaaay more important than numbers on a scale.

Wish me luck and I'll keep you blog posted.
Rough seas ahead indeed!