That's Just How I Feel

I am coming up on the anniversary of one of the worst days of my life.  I've written of it before, so you may guess what it is.  March 13, 2012 was the last day of my so called 'normal' life. Our life as Gary and Marsha.  It was the day I had to switch gears and become someone else and then someone different yet again later until that train ride ended on October 17, 2012 and Gary died.

Lately I have been very out of sorts in my head, my thoughts and my body.  I have spent a good deal of time trying to rid myself of doubt, mistrust and self loathing and so I read about adrenal fatigue, hormones and metabolism.  Emotions, mindfulness, and digestion- they are amazingly all connected to make up our wholeness.

Tonight I was going through some folders within my yahoo mail account.  The folder named Gary is full of the newsy emails I sent out to friends and family about the ups and downs of Gary's last six months of treatment and life.  Included were letters to and from his employer about insurance, COBRA and other 'housekeeping' items that I needed to handle after the fact.  I read my words and they seem very analytical and to the point without a hint of sadness.  The one thing I noticed in each was my gratitude for what every person along the way did for me to help with Gary's insurance and estate matters. I typed my heartfelt THANK YOU to every person I emailed.  I hope they could sense how much I really meant it.

I sit here now three years later and I am overcome with sadness because I am still feeling very alone and know that this grief is not over nor will it ever be. I have someone in my life now, yes, but its not the easy comfortable relationship that I had with my husband.  Not that I could expect my new love to be anyone other than who he is, shaped by his life as someone else's husband. I know I love him and he loves me, but there's so much more that goes into the investment of another person's heart at this stage of our lives.

We humans seem to have so many expectations of our lives; what we will do in certain aspects of our life, who we will be with and what we will feel.  So how's that working out for ya?  It sure hasn't for me.  Even now, I can't say that I truly trust anyone to have my best interests at heart.

My thoughts fluctuate throughout the day.  Like doing the Limbo- "how LOW can you go?" Most of the mornings are pretty good but then toward evening starts a decline in hopefulness.  I really shouldn't be blogging as I circle the drain...

So this March 13, is also a Friday the 13th.  DM is going to be at NASCAR for three days without me.  I don't have any plans, but may take a day to just do NOTHING. I probably won't be blogging either.  Maybe I will take a bath in the middle of the day.  Yeah, or meditate.  That's just how I feel...

 "Everything will be alright in the end... if it's not alright, then it's not yet the end."
     'Sonny' from The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

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