Here's a couple examples of one liners Handy's mind came up with:
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
"The crows seem to be calling my name", thought Caw.
and here's another one in the customary format of a beautiful photo background that often evoked real emotions which were then quashed by the reality of the message. They were oh so deliciously ironic!!
I LOVE this stuff! ;)
My own Deep Thoughts are often too dark and brooding to make into anything resembling humor. But I wish I could change them into laughable surprises like Handy does. I seek to lighten life's load(of mostly shit) if I can.
So here goes, nuthin funny about the events of the last 24 hours. Just the usual dumbass stuff that seems to crop up during my existence.
I decided to skip the Toastmasters Meeting on Wednesday morning and instead drive 45 minutes to the Arcadia neighborhood of Phoenix to attend a meetup down there. Way cool group of eclectic people in their 40's and 50's or so. The organizer told me he is 65. I'll call him Ron because that's what his mom named him. I met a genuine Bohemian lady with gorgeous purple lipstick, no bra under her lovely Goodwill dress and shoes that needed tying. She wore a hand embellished hat that would put my mom's haberdashery collection to shame. Her purse was personalized with silk flowers and beads; a true piece of art which she showcased in the center of the group's table at Wildflower Bread Co where our meeting took place. A lively bunch to say the least! I'll make the trek back down there no doubt. These are NOT people who frequent Sun City, that's for sure. As Martha would say, "Its a Good Thing."
As I drove back to the Northwest Valley, I talked to my mom on the phone about this weekend. I got back to the house and texted WT to ask if he wanted to grab a bite at Chipotle. I had to hurry because I had a dermatologist appointment at 1:30. He had already eaten lunch but he said he could go for a beer while I ate. So, because the guy has no car and no license(DUI from IL two years ago) I hauled him up there and while I ate a salad he chugged 4 bottles of beer. WT is a drinking efficiency expert you might say.
Again because WT has no wheels, he asked to tag along to the dermatologist and sit in a bar while I did my thing (Botox) at the dermatologist's office. I left him about a half mile away at an Italian eatery which has a decent bar.
Finally after 2 hours of falling asleep waiting to get into the little exam room, being numbed and poked and long winded conversations about men and how useless they are to us women, I was done and ready to leave. I texted WT saying I was puffy, sore and had a face full of zit-ish looking red marks from the needles. Such is the life of the wannabe attractive widder woman, I guess.
The text I recieved back surprised me. 'I just got to Hooters. lol Sorry' Hooters?? Where the hell is Hooters in the neighborhood where I dropped him off? I called him and he said he had taken a cab down to Hooters several miles from where I was. What a dipshit, I thought! I did not want to drive down there looking like I did and feeling like I did. He was pissed and possibly drunk and so he said he would probably stay at the LaQuinta across the street if I didn't go get him. This is at 3:30 in the pm. Ummm you took a cab down there, you should know that those things travel all over and can also get you home without my help. Besides, after hauling Mr. Wonderful's ass around, my Kia was fresh out of gas and I was on my last nerve with this guy. Just that day he had casually mentioned that he would probably be moving in with me when we got to know each other better. This was after he asked me what color underwear I had on and saying that he was a gentleman. They must have different descriptions of "Gentleman" in the Peoria ILLINOIS dictionary. Apparently you find it under 'I' for IDIOT.
->poof<- WT is No Mas
I went home and rubbed anti bruising cream onto my ravaged cheeks, and took a nap. Screw it.
Besides his smoky presence which I endured for the entire 6 days of our friendship, he left the stench of his cologne in my car. I smell the guy every time I turn on the AC. Gawd help me.
(speak of the devil, the stinky smoker just called. He recieved a DECLINED message from me)
The day went on in a unremarkable way until the evening during another call with Mom. I got two other calls coming in which I ignored for a few minutes. While mom retold a tale of yore, I looked at the numbers I had recieved calls from. One was a cell number I did not recognize and could not find on the lookup on my computer. The other number when googled produced a name match because it is a land line. The name showed it came from DM's house. Sorry mom, gotta go. Priorities, you know. I called the landline, nearly trembling as I did. DM's quavering voice answered, "_ _ _?" I queried, "Did you call me?" "X called you", he said. "She wants to talk to you. "Xxxx! Marsha's on the phone!!" he yelled. X comes to the phone. "Hello X, how are you?" I ask. "Not good" she reports. She says that she is giving up on DM because he loves me and not her. He misses me. He misses Robbie. DM loves Robbie more than her dogs she says(and probably more than me or her, I surmise) I told her that DM needs to get away from both of us and go live under an overpass for a year to leave womankind alone. "He can't live alone," she states which I know to be factual. While she was upset and crying, she was sounding actually very rational. Both parties had been drinking. She finished her speech about DM coming to live with me because she was better off without him for the last 10 years of her life. She is 64 but longevity is not in the family cards. We both talk about the obvious flaws of this man who has so many emotional scars from his mother and his childhood. I had him pegged just exactly as she has known him to be for 40+ years. (sigh)
She hands off the phone to the little man child, who is choking up. I ask him, "How are you, _ _ _?" "Pretty shitty." was his reply. "Have you reached the bottom yet?" I wondered. "I can see it from here," he says. I ask, "Well, what do you want to do?" His brain is fried by pain, beer and fatigue. Yeah, so what else is new, I think. "What are we going to do next_ _ _ ?" I ask him. He knows I will be going to visit family soon and the little guy doesn't want to be alone in my house. I actually do trust him here alone, but his fragile psyche needs a woman's presence I would guess. Or at least something that barks orders out in a simplistic manner he can understand. 'Go to bed! Get up! Go to work! Drive home! Feed dogs!' You know, that kind of stuff.
I have become jaded to this whole tired soap opera. As they say, "You can't make this shit up." I talked to him today. He is bone tired of the ordeal.
In the month since he left me, my heart has actually healed. I am less inclined to get sucked into his/their soap opera life. Obviously intense counseling is in order for him and some for me too. I really don't see that if he came back that it would be long term. Maybe he'd surprise me, but I don't think so. I still love him, but the time and distance has me seeing clearer. Will he ever have that same clarity of what he wants? He's 66 now, what do you think his chances are of ever growing up? Yaa, I thought so. Here's what Jack Handy has to say about this-
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