Usually the foggy brain lasts for half the day, but not today.
ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!!
I don't know why this birthday is so much better, but I am making it that way. It started out with a quick walk with Robbie then the knock on my door brought my breakfast date and off we went to Bobbie's Cafe for the $4.99 breakfast special. My breakfast partner was my dearest neighbor Joe who has been taking me out for breakfast on weekends for the past few months. The change of days was because ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!!
I don't know about you, but I can always remember my very first thought upon waking. When I was working it was, "uhhhhh today is ______day. ___ days until Friday." Sometimes I wouldn't realize what day it was until after I had peed then started splashing water on my face. In recent months the first thought was of DM. The good thoughts degenerated as the relationship disintegrated, being replaced with painful first thoughts of sadness, anger, disgust with myself, and just good ol' morose.
Those days are gone! Three weeks ago they were replaced with hopeful anticipatory thoughts, some even continuation of dreams I was having before waking. These thoughts are of new people, new times, new conversations with new things to learn about. One of these discovered people is now a dear friend. The other is so very new and so very fragile. It would be a disservice to my thoughts about him to expand on it so I dare not say more. Let the cocoon shelter this butterfly until it is ready to awake, unwrap its wings and emerge.
Today I woke up, although very tired, but thinking, "ITS MY BIRTHDAY!" My phone was blinking from the text from my dear son texted me two hours earlier within minutes of his own awakening, "Happy Birthday Mom!" I've been getting texts ever since. I decided as I put on my shoes, that THIS will be my best birthday since Gary died. It shouldn't be. There is no remarkable reason my 58th birthday should stand out from the rest. Its not like my 60th where there will be dancing in the streets as I bask in the glow of receiving my first Social Security check. If I live to be 60, my awakening thoughts on May 20, 2017 will be of relief having made it five years to that milestone day.
I decided many weeks ago to throw myself a birthday party this year. I am doing the planning and prep solo without a helper as I had last December when DM helped pay for and prep my Christmas Party. Its all good though. It has to be! The cast of characters in my life play has changed in the last six months. A few more neighbors and my special Meetup Interest plus some people new to the neighborhood. Throw in the regular Wine Ladies and I'm hoping for a decent turnout. A last minute entrant is the nice widower I sat next to last Saturday who joined me in listening to the divorcing man rant about how bad things are when one divorces. When he very politely contacted me to ask if he could see me again, I had to tell him that I am very serious about cultivating another relationship and I do not and will not juggle people, especially the widowed. We have to stick together on the first rule of our exclusive club, "Do No Hurt". So I invited my admirer to my party. He's coming! Its good for him, and I'm glad I asked him.
Now TONIGHT!! ......... TONIGHT!! I am hoping it will be the cream cheese frosting on my carrot cake day. Dinner and a movie with (?). I have no clue what this will turn into so I will not give him a name. Maybe he will be added to the friend roster, maybe I dare to dream of more, but this one I am going to watch and let play out, giving him and a higher power the say in what happens. My control room is dark and the Gone Fishin' sign is on the door. Won't it be interesting to sit back and, like the movie we're seeing tonight, watch a new relationship unfold without me trying so hard -too hard- to force the outcome I think I want.
Don't roll the credits on this Beautiful Day just yet... :oD
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