Still So Far Away From Where You Are

I am sorry to post a repeat song but I am just so so down tonight.  I have not felt this low in such a long time. I am in the mood to mourn I guess.

I've released my death grip on the hope of any sort of relationship with DM.  Its like prying a gun out of 'my cold dead hands'. It is taking soooo long because of the dance he does back and forth from me to his house and the abusive troll roommate. I think he thinks I am comforted that he is not happy there. Does it really matter, I ask? You say you have no love for this person, but that you like sleeping in a spacious bed in your own bedroom with your dogs.  If that's your 'la vida loca', hey go for it.

So I am sad, but what for and because of whom?  When I listen to this song all over, I realize that I am so sad that I am missing my real love. The man who never ever told me he loved me without meaning it.  The man I admired and was so proud to be with. The man who called me to tell me something he thought was interesting or to ask me what my opinion was or to see if I wanted to go somewhere with him.  I want THAT man in my life.  I want to feel loved without being used. I want, as they say love should feel, like I am being added TO rather than having something taken away from me.  I miss the feeling of forever; the feeling of not worrying that what I hear whispered in my ear is nothing but another lie or false promise.

Yesterday I spent the afternoon with a man I just met.  He was going to call me a girl, but he stopped and asked, "I don't know what to call you, a girl or a woman or a lady..."  "A lady I said."  "Yes, he agreed, you ARE a lady".  This is indeed what I feel.  I am worthy of being treated like a lady should be.  Not someone you use and throw away, like I have been by DM.

Gary would be horrified to know that this severely flawed man hurt me so much.  I know Gary thought too, that there would be other men who would honor promises, never lie and to be faithful and committed to me like he was.  I thought most men WERE like that!  I will never be so trusting and naive again.

So tonight I am feeling sorry for myself for being alone again. And -NO-  it just is NOT true that, "'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."  Because there are no winners in the lost love crowd.  Just a lot of bloody wounds and tears to show for the battle.

Dear Gary, I miss you, and I wish you were here...