A River Runs Through This

 He's back. And no, I'm not talking about Ahhnold.

Just as I have read in the textbook cases of codependency, DM waltzes back into my arms, my house, my head and my heart today with his hopes and dreams of leaving the Ex and moving in with me.

I hear your collective screams, really I do...."NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

No firm plans yet, DM says, as he plays the line I am attached to him on.  And now really, WHY would a person make a huge life change and not THINK about how to execute it, I have no clue.  Its the DM way though.  And you ask, Do I actually believe him when he says he's moving in with me? Hale NO- not a snowball's chance in Hell!

I got a message from an old friend in California tonight who just read through this blog the trials I am going through with this, this, 'man'.   Here is what she wrote to me, " he's so lost, he's like a vacuum not thinking of you but his wants and desires...You are far too valuable a woman to remain in his suction .....big hugs ...this too shall pass...I'm so sorry life has to be such a roller coaster."  That's a good one.  I should change DM's name to Dyson.

My California friend is like most of my friends and family and doesn't feel my skin as it is being lifted each time he comes back to crawl inside me. I want so much to believe him.  But WHY should I? WHY WHY?

I call in the big guns for advice.  My strong, savvy, tell it like it is widow friend who is so independent and smart and has her shit together friend, named PC.  PC's been gone all winter, and I called her a couple of days ago to ask her to call me to go to lunch. She lost my number. She stopped by my house after DM left to get my new phone number. I started talking and telling my story going back to when I met DM. She is better than a counselor, this lady.  She takes it as a given that, like she did after her husband died, I will date many men.  After awhile PC says she realized that her husband was 'all of the above' to her and that no one man alive today could ever meet the same standards.  She told me to THINK about WHY I want to take on this guy(DM)

PC likens our situation to a fast flowing river.  While I stand in the water trying to rescue this one flailing man, other men are passing me by.  Now isn't that a great word picture!

PC told me I have to figure out what I want to be to DM- his mother?  Because that's what is sounds like to her.  She then told me she thinks its fine to prefer to be with men over women and have men friends(we both feel this way) and that I will have lots of men to do things for me like fix, maintain and repair my house and possessions. Maybe I will have male friends who are truly just friends. And then there is the Booty Call man- and, PC says,  what's so wrong with that?  Well, DM is way beyond a booty call because one should never fall in love with a booty call man. tch tch  talk about bad for your heart!

PC commented to me how this all is sooooo  'Junior High'.  I KNOW, right?  So protracted and utterly stoopid, actually.  She gave me a hug and headed out the door to the groceries which were melting in the 100 degree temps in her car.  Her words have stayed with me though. Especially the advice for me to check into sliding scale counselors I could go to since I have no insurance here in AZ. She said I have to think about the good qualities that I had in Gary and look for as many as possible in someone else. Now, how's that for sage advice!?  Thanks, PC.

I haven't mentioned that after a few days, I renewed the friendship with the Cialis cat man.  He apologized for any untoward behavior and asked to start over as friends.  He's a fair minded guy who does listen to me and we have some fun conversations. He's also very good looking and I've noticed that he is taking more care to dress nicer lately.  I've agreed to meet up a couple of times a week and we are good again as friends. He always gives me a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek or hair(he's much taller than me) after our dinners out(never at his house, please!) together. Its all good.

The man I met at the meetup group who used to live in Sioux Falls is going to be in and out of town over the next 2 months, but he emailed me and said he would love to go biking or hiking with just me sometime. He gave me his phone number.  hmmm!  I would really love to get to know him better. He's a retired engineer from USGS. Easy going and cerebral- a great combo.

THEN, I met another new guy in the neighborhood today!  Tall, thin,  pleasant looking and acting.  We were both at a garage sale, me looking at a mountain bike to go biking with, and he while looking at a set of golf clubs to start playing.  He lives with his sister a half block away from my house and they just moved here from Peoria IL.  He asked me if I played golf.  "No, I said, but I would love to start again, and now that its hot again, the fees are very very affordable for those who can get up at 4am to get a round in." I know that he would not have struck up a conversation with me had he not been slightly interested.

Are these seemingly nice, outwardly 'normal' men floating by on PC's river analogy? I gotta get me a net!  Meanwhile, back at the Funny Farm, DM goes about his life deciding what his next move is.
And I? Well, I'm going out for breakfast with my sweet 84-year-old neighbor man down the street.

It just dawned on me:

I.

Have.

Options.

Like DM says when he saw someone else's beers in my refrigerator today, "You don't let any grass grow under your feet."  So right, DM!  So how 'bout you getchershit together, huh? The current is getting stronger as we head toward the falls.......