A down/UP couple of days.

I need to 'fess up.  This is not my diary. I do edit my blogposts to gloss over some happenings that occur. So full disclosure, I am not all smiles and a brave face about being alone again.  I actually have been conversing and spending tiny bits of time with DM.  I sent him a letter stating that we need to separate. We both ignored that.  Then I ignored him for about a week and I was feeling somewhat better. Suddenly he started texting me again.  The following week he came to the park by my house and we sat in the grass and talked. He said he needed two more weeks to grow a pair and decide what to do. I had just mailed a postcard with three sentences: 'Please do not contact me in any form. I am better off without you. I wish you all the best.'
Truth is, DM loves his big beautiful home in a gated community.  He loves his two dogs and the 3 car garage with all his tools to putz around the yard and his vehicles with.  He will put up with anything his Ex can dish out just to live the life he prefers. He's had 40 years of experience doing it. Except- there's me and he really does love me in his warped way.  He just wants all of it, dammit.
So DM gets the postcard and he calls it "very harsh".  And then we go on to talk about other stuff, ignoring it ever happened.

 

I talked to him at his empty condo last week and again on Saturday.  Saturday he came over to my house and saw all of the changes I've been making to make it look more industrial.  About 90 minutes later DM is running out the door to supposedly get to the cable company office to return his box.  The next day I felt so shitty about the whole breakdown of my sense of self and self respect.  I have been reading a ton of the disorders of DM and Ex, but I had failed to figure my place and accountability in this insane triangle. I finally took the quiz to see if I am codependent or narcissistic............. Ding Ding Ding!!  Codependent!

Ye Gods, that explains a lot of why I can't let go of him even if he is a douche bag to me. I will and have done anything he wanted to try to please him, even as I knew intellectually that I should not put up with his actions. What made me the most mad was that he is not willing to do ANYTHING about the situation including just taking me anywhere as a girlfriend or friend.  He can't because Ex(the one who 'allows' him to have that nice roof over his head) activates the house arrest chip in his brain and he has to run home. He didn't even leave 5 dollah on the dresser.
I looked.

When I talk about this stuff to my son, he listens and he points out what is obvious to everyone but me: Ex is not the one I should be pissed at.  All the damage done rests squarely on DM's shoulders.  He was the one making the decisions, however they came to him, to lie to me and return to the Ex. This is just not logical I want to argue, but that doesn't matter to his programed brain.

DM told me months ago that he could get me smaller garbage cans(owned by the city), but he found out the city doesn't want people using them and they won't let anyone new have the small size.  So DM said he would trade me my big monster cans for his small cans at the condo. On garbage day Tuesday, he texts me very nicely that he will change the cans after they are dumped.  He made arrangements to see me on Thursday for lunch.  I really wanted to meet with him to break up and give him a list that I'd made up of why we should not be together. Not the least of which is he is living with the Ex!  I thanked him and said that should be the last favor I ever ask of him.  He queries back, "Why?"  I told him in four Android lines what the last 2+ months have been like for me and that I am looking elsewhere for happiness. His final text:  "Good Luck and I wish you and Robbie the best." 

"But what about my garbage cans!" I shouted at the phone.  I went to a friend's house that afternoon to tell her what had transpired.  She had told me two weeks earlier to quit taking his texts. When I read aloud his final text, she said grimly, "Don't be surprised if he tries to come back again." She knows men and she knows DM! She glanced out her window and saw DM across the street at his condo looking for the cans. "Speak of the Devil, there he is."  I had only rolled my recycling can over and not the garbage can yet.  I went outside just as DM drove away so I didn't get an answer if he planned to give me his cans.  By now, you're guessing that these cans are a BFD to me!!

So now I have no garbage cans at my house- they are over at the condo two blocks away. No little cans have been brought over to replace them.   grrrrrr

I know quite clearly that stretching out a break up is not good for either party.  And since I really only have to care about myself anymore, I know that it is especially hard on ME. Picking at the sore under the band-aid is just torture. Rip the bloody thing off and start healing! To aid in that I've been reading and rereading this: Codependent No More

Well, since then I've been working diligently at that.  Another Trivia Meetup on Tuesday night. A Humpday dinner at Black Angus tonight. We are all Baby Boomer Singles and most are older than me.  I'm used to that by now though. The one tonight was pretty good. I would like to have met more people, but I'll keep going and it will take time. During dinner conversation, I had a receptive audience to my grain-free diet from a woman from Washington. She wrote down the names of the books and the website I recommended to her.  :o)

The best part of my day was a 7:30am visit to a Toastmaster Club here in Peoria. I've decided that this club is one I can work with.  I think once I get all the positions' functions down, I will like it.  It is scary and challenging.  This is my kind of group with people of all ages; professionals of all races.  Yes! I can escape from the generic geriatric genre of Sun City!
The Toastmaster of the Day this morning is also an author of some inspirational books.  He had a great message that seemed to be meant for me right now.
I hope that the ability to speak effectively at Toastmasters also reflects well on my writings and brings a better understanding of word usage.  Maybe I should also look into a writers group.  hmmmm

The word of the day at the meeting was Tranquil.  The message the Toastmaster delivered was about peace. An excerpt from the handout he gave the members and visitors is here and I think you'll agree: its a good'un for any of us:

Keys to Achieving Personal Peace

PEACE is the serenity of the soul, the tranquility of the mind, the simplicity of the heart, the bond of love and the union of  charity. 

*Let Go of Your Past - It will not serve you in your present or future.  If there is something you failed to learn and need to know, don't worry, it will come back around to give you another shot.
*Look Forward to Your Future - It is the vision for which you strive.  But remember it can only be achieved through the actions you take each day.
*Live In The Present - Be in touch with all that is around you.  Always be looking for the positive and good in people and situations. Be in the moment with everyone you interact with.
*Trust - in yourself and others until they prove untrustworthy.
*Be Vulnerable - Love like you've never been hurt- give like you've never been cheated.  Reach out a hand like you've never been rejected.
*Believe - that no matter what happens to you or around you, you will be OKAY.

Its over.  Its over. Its over. It has to be over!!!