Sabbatical

I have been absent from blogging here by design.  I have taken a sabbatical from writing in favor of pursuing more knowledge and understanding about my relationship with DSJ and more importantly, with MYSELF.

I read a lot of happenstance psychology articles like Marc and Angel Hack Life and articles from Psychology Today. Even Instagram and blog entries from JillFit.com zero in on my situation nowadays. They seem to just appear in my inbox and although I don't always click to open them, the ones I do open are often valuable and usable insight to me. Inspiration is everywhere, from the teabags on my Yogi tea, and the random horoscopes I read.  Yes, I read everything.  Why put blinders on and limit oneself to only certain genres when wisdom and inspiration is around us in so many forms?

When DSJ returned from bike touring in Colorado last month, he and I had 10 happy and FUN days together learning more about each other before he took off again to Hawaii with his immediate family and some siblings of his wife's family to spend a week.  DSJ and his wife had gone many times to Maui before and had a special love for that island.  He knew she would want to be scattered there.  So one year after her death, on a chartered boat, the emotional day of scattering DSJ's first love's ashes came to pass.

I had said that I would 'go dark' for him that week so that he would not receive distracting texts from me that had no bearing on why he and her family were there at this time.
Instead, I sent emails daily and did not expect him to actually open them, but he did.
My emails were functional for me as I tend to work through things when I write, but I know that DSJ had to switch back and forth from paradise to my reality by reading them.  I regret outlining my own fears, doubts and hopes to him at this time.  He could not/did not always respond.  I should have given him the rope he needed to really do some thinking.  I should not have given into my demons. The gaps not hearing from him were tough.  The entire eight days of separation has been tough.

So, to suck it up and deal with it a little better, I have been immersed in a book titled, "Calling in THE ONE" by Katherine Woodward Thomas. It is about attracting love into ones life. It is actually a workbook which gives exercises each day on getting to the bottom of who we are, our personal history of why we think and act the way we do toward the opposite sex and that special someone. One thing I see in this is that it is more than just advice and constructive thought about romantic love, it is about the people we interact with in daily life;  our family, our friends and our neighbors.  Its about how we treat and think about ourselves and translate those thoughts into proactive energy to live happily and effectively with most everyone.

Perhaps 'calling in THE ONE'  may have already happened for me.  I certainly hope and think it has, BUT more importantly, I realize from reading this book that the one I really need to 'call in' is ME.  I'm about 1/3 into the book and there is not one thing yet about dating, meeting or anything.  Its all about me, me me. That's the way its supposed to be because we ourselves, hold back from living the way we were meant to live and being with the right person.  Every page of this book has inspirational sayings.  Today I read an appropriate one by Ken Keyes Jr.  : "A loving person lives in a loving world. A hostile person lives in a hostile world.  Everyone you meet is your mirror."

There's so much that I am on the edge of learning about myself because of failure and wounds.  The wounding of Gary dying, the wound of a failed relationship and the failure of a happy relationship with a family member.  Through this book, it is revealed to me that some of these wounds and failures are because trust was betrayed.  Betrayal of trust is one of the biggest and most common of failures we face in life.  Whether that betrayal come FROM us or happens TO us, the subsequent pain is sometimes never overcome.  There are ways to face this pain or the wound though, so that even if the other person affected cannot or will not get past it, I have the power to do that for myself.
 
Yes, I have tasks I want to complete to help me in my future life. It feels like my future begins Wednesday evening when DSJ steps off the plane and I meet him at the airport.  We each are just a little(maybe a LOT(?)) different people than we were last week at this time. It goes without saying that I am excited and happy beyond words. But the anticipation is tempered now with a more calm and grounded feeling of understanding that this loving relationship can be lasting and that it is something we can carefully make happen for ourselves rather than just fall into like quicksand.

I am again reminded of the little picture that my mom embroidered thirty years ago for Forrest's bedroom that read, "Please Be Patient, God isn't finished with me yet..."  The thing is, God is never finished with us, and we should never be finished or content with ourselves, either.  That's why its called living.

My Trifecta Troika

I really enjoy reading newspapers.  I decided to indulge in the luxury of receiving the paper edition of the Arizona Republic 3 days a week. Especially delicious is the Sunday edition which can take hours to peruse.  I can always find things that I think I want to keep to refer to later.  The entertainment section with concerts, plays, outdoor adventures and travel ideas is relevant to me now that I have the promise of someone special to share the possibilities of these events.
Another reason to like reading the traditional hard copy edition is that I can indulge in the art of browsing, allowing my eyes to land on articles and ads that I glance at and decide in a nano second whether to read further or skip on to something else.
I was reading the Saturday paper when my eyes saw a new word that I had never seen used before. Kudos to the writer for digging this one up. "Troika", is the word.  It was being used to describe foods.  As you can probably surmise, the base of the word infers , 'three'.  Here is the Merriam-Webster definition:

1:a Russian vehicle drawn by three horses abreast; also :  a team for such a vehicle

2:a group of three; especially :  an administrative or ruling body of three 

I was reminded of my late night last night when I thought of ways to use this word.  My night was pretty awful, actually.  It started out alright with me streaming music off Jango.  I was looking for just the right lyrics and a song which I could use to express how I had felt about my extraordinary weekend with DSJ so I could send him an email telling him how much he and our time together means to me.

Think of the most enveloping, warm fuzzy loving word you can imagine and that is how the entire weekend was!  It was truly one of the top three weekends I have lived in my entire life.  I existed in a candy jar of love and was treated to sweet lovely activities, both simple and exotic.  It was *our* weekend and we just flowed from one beautiful experience to the next effortlessly.  I don't care if you get the picture or not(TMI), because its burned in my memory. <<sigh>>.....three days of bliss spent with DSJ and his sweet little girl dog Chamois and of course Robbie.  It seems we are all meant to be together.  The dogs coexisted like old friends, as did the humans.

So I sent an email with my feelings and with the email, attached this song,

All was good.  I emailed the song and the message.  Then I started thinking about the conversation DSJ and I had had yesterday about the videos we used for our spouses' memorials.  Where the heck did I put Gary's, I wondered? I started digging in boxes and, as YouTube kept playing love song after love song, I became immersed in memories from pictures of Gary's and my life.

Then it happened.  I came upon a book that Gary kept as a journal to note his Parkinson's symptoms and health diary.  He kept it fairly regularly for 3 years. As I read Gary's handwriting, which I still love to look at, because it is just so 'him', I became very morose from what he wrote and what I read for the first time.  He kept track of his weight, blood pressure and what he experienced for symptoms from Parkinson's.  Medication changes were also noted along with the stress he felt at work; plus the ever present fatigue he felt.

What hit me especially hard was reading the entries during his bouts with what we would later recognize as pancreatitis, esophageal varices(internal bleeding) and pancreatic cancer.  Gary wrote down his diagnosis the day it happened and what he was thinking; how he told his employees and which doctors said what when. I never knew until last night what he was thinking and feeling.  He was in major pain, physically and emotionally.  How he chronicled it, I don't know.  I felt so low, because I never knew.  Of course I cried then and now I cry again to think of what he went through.  How I want to make it better in some way for dear Gary, even now!  I got out a towel and just cried into it like I haven't cried in months. I felt so alone, so empty and missing the lost love we shared.

When I finally shut the lid on the box of pictures, without having found the DVD of the memorial that I had started out looking for, it was 2am.  I crawled into my lonely bed and slept(if that's what you could call it) for three hours until my eyes opened as usual at 5am. I felt like I'd been on a two day bender, complete with headache.
  

Earlier today, after texting a request to DSJ to call me, he did.  No one else in the world understands my emotions like he can.  I don't mean to make him relive his own nightmare of his wife's death, since his is more recent, but it is so soothing to have someone who just listens and understands me.  I am incredibly grateful for the gift of having this man in my life!

DSJ offered to come over and sit with me, but I said no, because I know he has a lot to do around his house for maintenance etc. I blubbered my feelings over the phone, some of it was probably incoherent, but he got the gist and in his quiet way, offered what he can for assurances of support.  I don't mean to lean on him, because his wounds are fresher than mine, but he said yes, I should.  I want to be there for him now and in the future too.  There will be times, I assured him that he WILL fall down the rabbit hole into the dark of despair and I want to be there for him too.

Later, I texted my thanks to him for being him and for his unconditional love.  We have already decided that we are lovers, friends and partners, not necessarily in that order.  Sometimes we take on different roles as needed.

DSJ texted back to me this message:

"Listening is part of the job description for friends.  Lovers and partners have their own responsibilities.  Listening is for BFFs.  You have become my BFF."
He included a tiny icon of a couple holding hands.

This beautiful man is my Troika, my perfect "Three In One".

He is what I can count on when I need~

My Partner

My Lover

My Best Friend Forever

      ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥