Another reason to like reading the traditional hard copy edition is that I can indulge in the art of browsing, allowing my eyes to land on articles and ads that I glance at and decide in a nano second whether to read further or skip on to something else.
I was reading the Saturday paper when my eyes saw a new word that I had never seen used before. Kudos to the writer for digging this one up. "Troika", is the word. It was being used to describe foods. As you can probably surmise, the base of the word infers , 'three'. Here is the Merriam-Webster definition:
1:a Russian vehicle drawn by three horses abreast; also : a team for such a vehicle
2:a group of three; especially : an administrative or ruling body of three
I was reminded of my late night last night when I thought of ways to use this word. My night was pretty awful, actually. It started out alright with me streaming music off Jango. I was looking for just the right lyrics and a song which I could use to express how I had felt about my extraordinary weekend with DSJ so I could send him an email telling him how much he and our time together means to me.
Think of the most enveloping, warm fuzzy loving word you can imagine and that is how the entire weekend was! It was truly one of the top three weekends I have lived in my entire life. I existed in a candy jar of love and was treated to sweet lovely activities, both simple and exotic. It was *our* weekend and we just flowed from one beautiful experience to the next effortlessly. I don't care if you get the picture or not(TMI), because its burned in my memory. <<sigh>>.....three days of bliss spent with DSJ and his sweet little girl dog Chamois and of course Robbie. It seems we are all meant to be together. The dogs coexisted like old friends, as did the humans.
All was good. I emailed the song and the message. Then I started thinking about the conversation DSJ and I had had yesterday about the videos we used for our spouses' memorials. Where the heck did I put Gary's, I wondered? I started digging in boxes and, as YouTube kept playing love song after love song, I became immersed in memories from pictures of Gary's and my life.
Then it happened. I came upon a book that Gary kept as a journal to note his Parkinson's symptoms and health diary. He kept it fairly regularly for 3 years. As I read Gary's handwriting, which I still love to look at, because it is just so 'him', I became very morose from what he wrote and what I read for the first time. He kept track of his weight, blood pressure and what he experienced for symptoms from Parkinson's. Medication changes were also noted along with the stress he felt at work; plus the ever present fatigue he felt.
Then it happened. I came upon a book that Gary kept as a journal to note his Parkinson's symptoms and health diary. He kept it fairly regularly for 3 years. As I read Gary's handwriting, which I still love to look at, because it is just so 'him', I became very morose from what he wrote and what I read for the first time. He kept track of his weight, blood pressure and what he experienced for symptoms from Parkinson's. Medication changes were also noted along with the stress he felt at work; plus the ever present fatigue he felt.
What hit me especially hard was reading the entries during his bouts with what we would later recognize as pancreatitis, esophageal varices(internal bleeding) and pancreatic cancer. Gary wrote down his diagnosis the day it happened and what he was thinking; how he told his employees and which doctors said what when. I never knew until last night what he was thinking and feeling. He was in major pain, physically and emotionally. How he chronicled it, I don't know. I felt so low, because I never knew. Of course I cried then and now I cry again to think of what he went through. How I want to make it better in some way for dear Gary, even now! I got out a towel and just cried into it like I haven't cried in months. I felt so alone, so empty and missing the lost love we shared.
When I finally shut the lid on the box of pictures, without having found the DVD of the memorial that I had started out looking for, it was 2am. I crawled into my lonely bed and slept(if that's what you could call it) for three hours until my eyes opened as usual at 5am. I felt like I'd been on a two day bender, complete with headache.
Earlier today, after texting a request to DSJ to call me, he did. No one else in the world understands my emotions like he can. I don't mean to make him relive his own nightmare of his wife's death, since his is more recent, but it is so soothing to have someone who just listens and understands me. I am incredibly grateful for the gift of having this man in my life!
DSJ offered to come over and sit with me, but I said no, because I know he has a lot to do around his house for maintenance etc. I blubbered my feelings over the phone, some of it was probably incoherent, but he got the gist and in his quiet way, offered what he can for assurances of support. I don't mean to lean on him, because his wounds are fresher than mine, but he said yes, I should. I want to be there for him now and in the future too. There will be times, I assured him that he WILL fall down the rabbit hole into the dark of despair and I want to be there for him too.
Later, I texted my thanks to him for being him and for his unconditional love. We have already decided that we are lovers, friends and partners, not necessarily in that order. Sometimes we take on different roles as needed.
DSJ texted back to me this message:
"Listening is part of the job description for friends. Lovers and partners have their own responsibilities. Listening is for BFFs. You have become my BFF."
He included a tiny icon of a couple holding hands.
He included a tiny icon of a couple holding hands.
This beautiful man is my Troika, my perfect "Three In One".
He is what I can count on when I need~
My Partner
My Lover
My Best Friend Forever
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
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