Sabbatical

I have been absent from blogging here by design.  I have taken a sabbatical from writing in favor of pursuing more knowledge and understanding about my relationship with DSJ and more importantly, with MYSELF.

I read a lot of happenstance psychology articles like Marc and Angel Hack Life and articles from Psychology Today. Even Instagram and blog entries from JillFit.com zero in on my situation nowadays. They seem to just appear in my inbox and although I don't always click to open them, the ones I do open are often valuable and usable insight to me. Inspiration is everywhere, from the teabags on my Yogi tea, and the random horoscopes I read.  Yes, I read everything.  Why put blinders on and limit oneself to only certain genres when wisdom and inspiration is around us in so many forms?

When DSJ returned from bike touring in Colorado last month, he and I had 10 happy and FUN days together learning more about each other before he took off again to Hawaii with his immediate family and some siblings of his wife's family to spend a week.  DSJ and his wife had gone many times to Maui before and had a special love for that island.  He knew she would want to be scattered there.  So one year after her death, on a chartered boat, the emotional day of scattering DSJ's first love's ashes came to pass.

I had said that I would 'go dark' for him that week so that he would not receive distracting texts from me that had no bearing on why he and her family were there at this time.
Instead, I sent emails daily and did not expect him to actually open them, but he did.
My emails were functional for me as I tend to work through things when I write, but I know that DSJ had to switch back and forth from paradise to my reality by reading them.  I regret outlining my own fears, doubts and hopes to him at this time.  He could not/did not always respond.  I should have given him the rope he needed to really do some thinking.  I should not have given into my demons. The gaps not hearing from him were tough.  The entire eight days of separation has been tough.

So, to suck it up and deal with it a little better, I have been immersed in a book titled, "Calling in THE ONE" by Katherine Woodward Thomas. It is about attracting love into ones life. It is actually a workbook which gives exercises each day on getting to the bottom of who we are, our personal history of why we think and act the way we do toward the opposite sex and that special someone. One thing I see in this is that it is more than just advice and constructive thought about romantic love, it is about the people we interact with in daily life;  our family, our friends and our neighbors.  Its about how we treat and think about ourselves and translate those thoughts into proactive energy to live happily and effectively with most everyone.

Perhaps 'calling in THE ONE'  may have already happened for me.  I certainly hope and think it has, BUT more importantly, I realize from reading this book that the one I really need to 'call in' is ME.  I'm about 1/3 into the book and there is not one thing yet about dating, meeting or anything.  Its all about me, me me. That's the way its supposed to be because we ourselves, hold back from living the way we were meant to live and being with the right person.  Every page of this book has inspirational sayings.  Today I read an appropriate one by Ken Keyes Jr.  : "A loving person lives in a loving world. A hostile person lives in a hostile world.  Everyone you meet is your mirror."

There's so much that I am on the edge of learning about myself because of failure and wounds.  The wounding of Gary dying, the wound of a failed relationship and the failure of a happy relationship with a family member.  Through this book, it is revealed to me that some of these wounds and failures are because trust was betrayed.  Betrayal of trust is one of the biggest and most common of failures we face in life.  Whether that betrayal come FROM us or happens TO us, the subsequent pain is sometimes never overcome.  There are ways to face this pain or the wound though, so that even if the other person affected cannot or will not get past it, I have the power to do that for myself.
 
Yes, I have tasks I want to complete to help me in my future life. It feels like my future begins Wednesday evening when DSJ steps off the plane and I meet him at the airport.  We each are just a little(maybe a LOT(?)) different people than we were last week at this time. It goes without saying that I am excited and happy beyond words. But the anticipation is tempered now with a more calm and grounded feeling of understanding that this loving relationship can be lasting and that it is something we can carefully make happen for ourselves rather than just fall into like quicksand.

I am again reminded of the little picture that my mom embroidered thirty years ago for Forrest's bedroom that read, "Please Be Patient, God isn't finished with me yet..."  The thing is, God is never finished with us, and we should never be finished or content with ourselves, either.  That's why its called living.