How can you possibly enjoy life?

The other night my sister and I were talking about food and what we are bringing to an upcoming family get together.  Since I am local, I am packing all sorts of my kind of goodies and seasonings to share with those who can't bring anything on a plane.  There is so much, I am asking if my sister can stop by my house the day before to get some of it and take it up to the resort with her since my car space will be taken up by people, luggage and dog.

My sister mentioned that she is going to get corn chips, "GMO free, organic and..."  I cut her off with the horrified question of WHY would a person want to eat something that is so evil and wreaks so much harm and death to those who eat it!?  Corn is right up there with wheat as the worst substance in the world that humans have exploited.  Corn is simply a 4-letter word in any of its hundreds of forms in tiny print on the labels of processed foods.

"Well, I DO eat corn chips and salsa if they are made with good healthy ingredients" she continued.  As I've said before, our human attitudes about food are so deeply held that trying to wrestle them out of our belief system is harder than taking a child's favorite teddy bear or blankie away when they are threadbare and falling apart.  Well people, time to grow up.  You're going off to college now and your old stuffed animal that comforted you as a 3 year old doesn't serve you well as an adult. Facts are facts whether they be about climate change,  GMO foods, or sugar addiction caused by grain consumption.

Still, my sister won't give up the notion that something that tastes so good can be so bad for her body and be a root cause of her physical maladies and future chronic disease.  She turns it on me: "How can you enjoy life when you deny yourself so many of the good foods out there? Why would you want to continue to deprive yourself forever of the pleasures of eating delicious things?"

My answer to her was to ask her, "How am I depriving myself when I am giving my body what it NEEDS and deserves?  I am feeding my body, mind and spirit with REAL FOOD!"  I thought about it later and wish I had added, "Besides-real enjoyment of life shouldn't revolve around eating corn chips."  Life is about what you can do with the proper food your body is asking for to do its job in the best way with the ease of how we were designed to be.  Contrary to what the corporate food criminals have told us, the STUFF they sell us which they call 'food' is NOT what God ever intended we put into our bodies as fuel.

I follow several blogs and get emails from nutrition/exercise/healthy living sources who write more eloquently and come across in a more positive way than I can.  Here is one that I find answers the question that many people(like my neighbors) ask me. "What diet are you on?"  They usually follow up with the next question, "Huh. So when will you quit following that weird way of eating?"


Full credit for this to Neghar Fonooni, of Eat, Lift and Be Happy-
This entry is called, Dieting is the Worst. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Seriously. The worst. Ever. Last night as I was walking on the beach with one of my besties, we got to talking about her recent nutrition and fitness endeavors. For the past month she's been working out and eating under my tutelage and was raving to me about how amazing she feels and how deprived she doesn't feel. "I feel like this is a lifestyle for me now," she said. She went on to tell me how people at work keep asking her if she's on a diet (because her body is noticeably changing) and she's like NO. I am NOT on a diet. I'm just eating to serve my body. Because being on a diet SUCKS. Being on a diet implies that there's a beginning an end, as opposed to a lifestyle of nourishing your body with movement and food. Being on a diet usually involves restriction and deprivation--and an almost inevitable rebound. Now, instead of dieting, I live my life by embodying a few of my truths: 1) I eat to serve my body, not to steal from it (mostly organic produce, sustainably raised animal protein, lots of healthy fats). 2) I eat food that pleases both my palate and my physique (I seriously CRUSH IT in the kitchen). 3) I move every single day. 4) If I really want to eat something naughty, I do--but I don't binge on it. 5) I never feel guilty about food. NEVER. Because everything is a choice and I feel confident in my choices.  Because of these simple truths, I'm able to live a life of abundance, enjoyment, and gratitude--and at the same time feel 100% comfortable in my own skin.  Eating for fat loss is not deprivation or restriction. It doesn’t have to mean eating food that bores you, or lacking culinary creativity (please NEVER eat anything you don't LOVE!). Physique and performance friendly nutrition is really as simple as blending your body's needs with that of your taste buds, and finding a happy medium that pleases both equally. Despite what you may have been told, it's entirely possible to simultaneously lose fat, build muscle and enjoy the food you eat, without going on a strict diet. In fact, I firmly refuse to eat anything that doesn’t rock my world. Because you know what? Life is too damn short for plain steamed broccoli and bland, dry ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Just now, I returned from the library with a new book by Chris Kresser, Your Personal Paleo Code.  I think this book is one I will go buy to keep.  Its about NOT following in lockstep an idea, a formula or a plan based on what the newest diet guru out on the corner is hawking.  Like Metabolic Effect, Kresser takes a good premise, in this case, the Paleo Diet, and expands it for YOU and ME and our individual bodies' needs.  Very refreshing and so very needed. Because after all, we are as individuals, in control of our own destiny every time we bring our hands to our mouths to put something in it.  Why not use some thought and care of what that something is?

Eighty in Eight!

  So what else has been happening in the past two months since I last blogged, you might ask?

A whole lot of learning and eating and exercising and reading, reading and more reading.  Oh- and antagonizing everyone who hasn't adopted my way of looking at health and nutrition. Yeah, that about sums it up.
Bottom line, a couple of weeks ago I met one of my goals to lose 80 pounds in 8 months.  I really feel that a huge reason why I could do this at my age, is a product I got from a Colorado Company called Real Dose.  I bought an 8 month supply of pills called Weight Loss Formula #1.  It has been magical for me.  It enabled me to sail through the last 80 pounds with nary a hunger pang or craving.  Maybe I'm unusual, but hey, yippee for me that it worked so well!  I also adhered strictly to the Real Dose fast start meal plan which is a hybrid of low carb, high protein foods.  There are tons, repeat TONS of vegetables and just one low glycemic load fruit a day.  No starches, no bread, no grain. Since I had no problems following that for a couple of weeks, I just decided to keep on keepin' on and here I am today, 80 pounds lighter with a miraculous feeling of good health since I have been eating 'clean' for so long now.

All those many many years on Weight Watchers were for naught.  I, like the other 95% of people who lose weight on those traditional plans failed time and again.  Could it be, its all a plot to keep us obese? Well, I fell into it like everyone else who just didn't understand that our metabolisms and adrenal systems were ruined by eating wheat(ie sugar) and other grains.

Why not Weight Watchers this time?  Because I have eliminated all sugars from my diet. Grains are sugars, btw.  The dirtiest, meanest disease causing, human killers since we humans have walked this earth.  I also eliminated all processed foods. You know- the stuff that comes from the inside of a factory and not a farm. No boxes, cans, bags or GMO laden chemically altered shit that takes up 90% of the floorspace of American grocery stores. 

What is this radical diet called everyone asks?  Its simply not a diet.  Its called living clean. I lean toward low carb, but this is no Atkins because the vast majority of my food is vegetables.  I find a lot of common ground with Paleo, but I do like organic unpasteurized dairy when I can find it.  I eat lots of eggs, coconut oil, olive oil and organic butter.  I eat nuts and seeds in small amounts.  I don't touch honey or agave which is a deviation from Paleo.  I can find many vegan recipes I like, but I eat lots of meat proteins only IF it is organic meat, eggs, poultry, grass fed beef and wild caught fish.

I now understand the damage the typical American diet has caused us and I will never go there again. I don't have any desire to eat any non-food items that are full of chemically altered and dead stuff the corporations pass off onto us as so called 'food'.

Sadly, I now also know how Gary destroyed his metabolism, thus damaging his brain, his gut, his digestive system including the pancreas and liver.  Anyone who lives in this country or who eats like most Americans is doomed to the types of inflammation that cause the diabetes, the heart disease, the neurological diseases and the cancers that we just shrug our shoulders about now.  We are not living longer healthier lives.  Look at the obese kids eating what is said to be 'healthy whole grain' cereal.  Death in a box.  Slow death, the kind that will cause our economy to stagger and stop to take care of the cost of the illnesses that grain products cause.  All the while being sanctioned by the FDA, USDA, AMA, AHA and American Diabetes Association.  All have played a part in the lies and misinformation so that corporate profits will benefit the few at the top.

I started an exercise program that I do every other day called Metabolic Aftershock.  Boy, does that work to burn fat also!  I now have very strong legs and am getting better at pushups, mountain climbers, etc etc. As I get stronger and stronger, I want to start doing weight training to really get at the muscles behind the loose skin I have.  I trust my body's ability to heal itself and to eventually 'shrink to fit' better than it does today.  With good nutrition, it will be possible. 

I have no visions of living longer than anyone else.  I just want to feel good until that last day.  So even if the long term damage I've done to myself up to now causes my death tonight, at least I've enjoyed the last few months, I say.

I have been taking a nutrition class now for about two months in addition to my regular weekly call with my nutritionist.  In the weekly classes we are going over in depth all the material from contemporary books like Cereal Killer, Wheat Belly, Grain Brain, etc etc.  I've checked out every book I can from the library, but they are very hard to get.  Seems there are a whole lot of people like me interested in this way of living. I have learned about what it will take to maintain my healthy body that works with me and and not against my self. 

The result is that I've lost 6 dress sizes and have either gotten into and even shrunk out of all of the 'skinny clothes' I had kept in boxes for the last 7 years.  I will start having to buy a few winter clothes so that I can travel to South Dakota/Minnesota in December.  My idea of winter clothing for Phoenix is to wear something longer than shorts on my legs and a t-shirt with sleeves for my arms. I have one swim suit that I actually look GOOD in, also! Now I can enjoy the 4 community pools here without feeling like a beached whale.

This all has helped lead me to a decision to stay here for the greater part of the year.  I can find cheap clothes and food here.  My house is plenty big for me.  I can slowly save up to make improvements to it like new carpet or paint.  It is an appreciating asset and its not a dump.  Most people would say that's a pretty good reason to stay put.  I still want to move someday, but it will probably be to another relatively warm place in the west where snow and freezing temps do not cause fear and loathing to winter drivers.  This next summer I would like to get a job somewhere and earn enough to add to my meager travel fund.  The hardest part for me will be developing the mental fortitude of locking the door here and not worrying about this house and the trees and bushes that may or may not be dying without me here in the summer.  Hundreds of other seniors do this every year, so I should be able to do it also.

I know the way I live my life and the choices I make now may not be what others abide be.  Opinions about food are incredibly embedded into our minds!  Changing minds to see how the food you eat affects you today and tomorrow is a tough job that I am not prepared to tackle.  I just know that what I'm doing is RIGHT!

I have 4 more pounds to lose to my 'other' goal, but honestly, I don't know if I will strive for that.  If it happens, it happens.  I have learned to be happy with how I am today.  This morning as I was out walking Robbie in the cool sunny air, I realized, I have a genuine sense of wellbeing.  Now that's a great feeling to have!

Music that will make you cry

But please don't start crying.  Its actually the title of the album which this song is from.  I heard it just a minute ago on  Pandora.  I like it, don't you? 

Its kinda funny that I chose this song for this post, because to some, this would be considered a glad song, not a sad one.  Its often heard at weddings.

So here I am, on October 17, 2014.  I never thought about what it would be like to be two years out from Gary's death.  I never envisioned what the 'me' I am today would be thinking or feeling or experiencing. Who would, I guess.

There seems to be a lot of folklore around widowhood or the loss of anyone who leaves a huge hole in your life after their death.
"The second year is worse than the first." I heard that one a lot.   I mentioned that to a widow in my neighborhood who looked surprised and asked, "Who says?"  That was not her reality.

I can tell you that the feelings I have today are waaaayyy different than those I had one year ago.  I'm not as overwhelmed, awash would be a good word I guess, in sadness.
I have been anticipating this day for a few weeks, but not as focused on it as I was last year.

Here's the most dominant feeling I have today.  I am thankful.  I am thankful that I had Gary in and of my life.  He was OUR life.  I circled around him.  I don't know if he circled around me.  We all have our own lives too.  I am thankful that he was a good person and that he made me a better person. Heaven knows how I would have turned out if he had not been there to reel me in for 36 years!

Because my life has changed so dramatically in some respects from what it was one year ago, I'm sure others look at me in a different way.  I am ME.  I am not Gary's wife.  I have become self centered because I have had to in order to survive being alone.

I wonder now why Gary thought I should find someone else after he was gone.  I have learned that this is not the best or only action I can take.  I have become much more cautious.  I worry a lot about money.  I constantly second guess my decisions.  I use "I" a lot, too, don't I!!

I often wonder what Gary would be doing if he were still alive.  Would he still be working with Parkinson's? I think yes. Would I be living in a nicer home than this one- a home with lots of 'stuff' that I no longer care about in my current life?  I think, yes again.

Since I do believe that Gary's soul is alive, I believe that he knows what is going on here. I do think he knows that his good friend is now the territory manager in the Southern California branch of Gary's company.  And I can sincerely FEEL the pride and happiness that Gary has that this has come about. I think that Gary would be proud of me to have lost weight and proud too, that I have started giving his tools to family members who treasure them like he did.  

I have not spread Gary's ashes anywhere.  On days like today, I wish there was a quiet serene place where I could spend time at a memorial site for him, though.  I would like to, now that enough time has passed, ask Gary's family what their ideas are.  Do they want some of his ashes to scatter for their brother or father?  I need to hear their opinions. I know that I'll always want some of the ashes here with me too.

This is not a happy day for me, but it is not a day to jump off a bridge anymore either.  My gratitude toward Gary's life will never end.  He gave me so much good material to live on that I still feel his presence everywhere.  I just wish he were here to reel me in still.

No, the second year is not as bad as the first, in my view.  My whole world has changed even though my address has not.  I will always be learning a new way of living.  Nothing is constant but change.

Nothing is constant but the love you will always have for that ONE person who was meant for you. How lucky I am that I found my person because some people never do!

I am also grateful to all who have hung in there with me and who have supported me and Gary in ways that you will never know.  Thank you.

Life is like a box of chocolates

It has been a long time since I added a blog entry, and that is somewhat by design.  Posting is almost a reward to me, and I haven't felt like I 'deserved' a reward until today.

If you ever took journalism in junior high and were taught the way I was, you will know how the rules of writing a story were presented to students.  An article has its own named components:  Headline, Byline, Lead Paragraph, Explanation, and Additional Information

Within that first lead paragraph, should be contained, Who, What, When, Where, Why and How. This is so the reader can get the scope of the whole of the story even if he/she does not continue to read the entire remainder of the article.  Reading newspapers is serendipitous, I think.  As I scan each page, letting my eyes fall on things that may or may not draw me into reading something, I make the decision using the headline and that lead paragraph whether I will commit to reading a given article in its entirety.

Some view the creation of art in the same way.  They say there should be a sequence in planning the art piece so that the outcome will be a vision of what was intended by the artist or the entity who commissioned the artwork. This is whether it be a totally creative piece or a commercial ad design piece.

I had to follow some of these rules in school, but I totally disregarded them when in the 'real world' of my jobs.  Especially for art it just doesn't work(for me).  I could never put a plan to paper before designing an ad.  That's not how my brain works, I guess.  If allowed, I approached each ad with an open mind or merely a thought and it developed into what I finally decided was what I was happy with. Sometimes its hard to know when to say when, especially with art.  Some pieces are never ever going to be 'done' in your own mind. But you just have to either throw it away or walk away.

This is a long winded way of explaining that this blog writing is like the writing of a newspaper article or a creation of art for me.  I sit down, and I may have a thought I want to convey, but what ends up posted in the blog is always a surprise to me.  That's why I like it.  That's why I allow myself the pleasure of putting my thoughts here but only when I 'get' to write ie; when I think I have something to say.

So here's what's been up the last month: I met this guy through facebook who is a friend of a friend. He and I started messaging within facebook and I decided I HAD to meet him.  Why? Turns out he is a world traveler, which is what I aspire to be. He used to travel by choice, but now he is forced by financial conditions to live outside the U.S. most of the time.  He has been all over but has researched many different parts of the world.  He landed in Thailand due to its very low cost of living.

I drove over to Southern CA to meet up with him and have a 3+ hour conversation about the places he considered, what it is like for him and we compared notes on what I have read about such places as Nicaragua and Thailand. He is a very nice man who is willing to share whatever he has learned with whomever asks.  He can't help but speak only for his own experiences though, and that is where he differs from what my hopes are about living abroad. A man has more freedom to live how he pleases without fear than a woman does.  This guy is not a risk taker he says, yet he is the only person I've ever met who actually DID IT.  He just up and moved to Thailand and lived there even while wondering what the heck he was doing there and how he was going to make it.  He survived 8 months well enough to make it back to the states for a couple of months before heading back again to Thailand. No regrets.

In my hours of reading up on places throughout the world that I think I could be a comfortable expat in, I have ruled out Thailand due to the attitudes about women.  I have looked at island nations, and at countries within Central and South America.  I have looked within the U.S. and its territories. The advantages there would be the ability to keep Medicare coverage if I am still around in 8 years at the age of 65.

So I got all excited about starting a new adventure and  I called 3 realtors who told me what my house might sell for.  The bottom line is, not enough.  I sorted through my options of selling anyway and buying a cheaper place here(there are much smaller townhomes and condos) or possibly moving out of state closer to family in Colorado and finding a small townhouse there as a base camp.

Renting my house out is always an option, but the rental rates they get here just aren't enough that I would see any profit after the cost of moving my possessions to storage, the storage fees each month, my continued maintenance costs of the house and the property management fees I'd have to pay as an absentee landlord.

Then there is the issue of my fear of being able to live my new life like I want to.  In other words, my fear of losing control over my diet and exercise routines.  And I do mean routine.  Everything I do is with purpose and toward my goal of losing and keeping off 84 pounds.  As of this morning I have lost an even 70 pounds.  How I have done that is by being in control of my thoughts and body and knowing what I need at all times.  How can I manage that in a country that doesn't have all the conveniences of  'my' grocery stores, 'my' produce options and access to the same amenities that I am dependent on right now?  I can't quite cut the cord yet. I have been working my ass off to build this new life for almost 7 months now and I'm not willing to just cash it in and run away to Fiji to eat bananas or whatever. Also, I'm not dumb- I should wait even if just for a year to watch if local home values increase a bit more to ease the bite of selling for less than what I have invested into the house.  Seems logical, no?

There are always workarounds.  There are many places in North America I haven't seen.  While still getting used to my new way of living/eating, I can explore on my own and be able to know that I can find a Trader Joe's or a good grocery store nearby which carries 'my' kind of beans or organic strawberries which I use to stay on track with healthy living.   I have always wanted to go up the coast of Oregon, for example.  I still want to visit friends in Canada, too.  Why not? Why wait?

Life may be like a box of chocolates, but I do know one thing I will never take from that box: a chocolate.  They're just not part of my plan anymore.

Zero to Sixty in Five.......months

Yeah, so I've been a slacker and have not been posting on the ol' blog here.  My mind is always turning with ideas of what to write, but I actually have such a plethora of thoughts, its hard to weed through them and pick the best flowers.

Remember how car maker ads would gush over the power of their engines and boast about how fast a particular model could go from a standstill to 60mph?  I never owned any such car that had the ability to leave skid marks.  Being a product of the oil embargo days when gas SKYROCKETED to 70 cents per gallon left me with gas mileage scars.  Therefore, I have forever been averse to owning or driving or even renting cars that have unnecessarily large engines and gas guzzling power.  You can have 'em.  Give me a Datsun or Toyota, or a Honda or a Fiat, I'm all about getting the best gas mileage I possibly can.

I am reminded of that zero to sixty mindset when it comes to my weight loss efforts.  Maybe I don't drive a fast car, but dammit, I'd better lose weight FAST, ok?  So far, I have been fortunate and have lost 61.5 pounds in five months.  No complaints?  Oh yes, I always find room for complaining. Its human nature, isn't it?

I have been obsessively following my new way of eating, exercising and living to the point of excluding just about every other thought.  It occupies my every waking moment and I know I dream about it too.  I am in love with information about eating healthy, hormones, metabolism, nutrition and organic, clean foods.

FOOD!!! I only eat FOOD now. 
Nothing processed, preserved, boxed, bagged or artificially sweetened.  Nothing sweetened period, actually.  I eat veggies like there is no drought in California.  I drink water like I live on an island. I do not eat at restaurants because I have no idea if they prepare the food to my standards, and besides, I still feel like going to a restaurant alone is just a downer anyway.

Having this obsession has led me deeper and deeper into the bowels of health and nutrition books. I workout 6 days a week.  Three of the days are spent with Dr. Jade Teta and his Metabolic Aftershock workout tapes.  I love you Jade!  This guy is the guru of the most current thought on how we got this way as a population and how we can get out of this fatty mess by understanding the hormonal imbalances that cause it.  His Aftershock workouts are quite literally superb at burning fat off the body.

Before you think I am collecting money from the Metabolic Aftershock people, just know I am not trying to sway anyone or say this is the holy grail to losing fat.  Well, I know that for me it is. 

I have been continuing my eating of protein both animal and vegetable, limiting fruits to a select few with low glycemic load values(like 1 cup of strawberries/day) and eating tons of veggies of all kinds, raw and cooked. 

I ran into my first wall this last week.  I stayed the same weight. This was the first time it has happened in 6 months.  I searched for reasons why.  There can be many.  First on my list is lack of sleep.  Four hours a night is just plain stupid aside from being inadequate.  Lack of sleep not only makes it harder to lose weight, it can kill you slowly or abruptly.

So I am turning over a new literal leaf and turning off my computer, tablet and TV by 8pm.  I hope this will be my ticket to get back on the success train.  I was getting to bed at 10:30 or 11:00pm and getting up at 3:30 to 4:00am to walk outside.  Well, HELL, the temps this time of year aren't that much different in the span of an hour.  So its 95 at 6:00am, what would it have been at 4:30am? 94. Big deal.

Keeping my head into the game means I read, read, and read some more about nutrition and the science of health and how I can make the right choices for my own best health. 
Although, the scale did not register a change in weight last week, the measuring tape yielded one more inch gone from my waist. This is more important than what a scale can tell me anyway I guess.  I have been able to get into my small clothes, but there are still more waiting to be worn in size 4 and 2's.

Must.Be.Happy.With.Where.I.Am.Today.

I look forward to changes in my mirror tomorrow, though.

For my husband on our 38th anniversary

My sister recently celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary.  I remember it, because I was there, her bridesmaid.  I saw all the congratulations on facebook and I got very jealous. I have way less card worthy days that people remember, namely Gary's birthday and our anniversary on July 12.

When Gary and I were married on July 12, 1975, one of the solos sung was Time In A Bottle.  I still like that song because it makes me think like the 18 year old I was then.  I believed in a forever with Gary.  I guess I actually got that now that I think about it.  Our relationship will last forever, even though our marriage no longer does.

Of course I feel Gary's loss more on important days like our anniversary.  I still often catch myself thinking that its not fair. Why can't WE have a 40th anniversary to look forward to?

When I began my career with Northwestern Bell, I just knew that I would hang in there until the end, ie; retirement.  I believed that all women should work and earn enough money so that if need be, they could support themselves and not rely on a man.  I kept that mindset for the tough years when our kids were young and I continued up the wage scale in my many jobs with the phone company and in the directory advertising business. I refused to be a victim. I would not be one of "those" women who were left with nothing when their husbands took off.  My rule: NOTHING LASTS FOREVER.

I still do believe that nothing lasts forever.  And the reason is, because it can't.  The world and how it affects us changes us and causes changes to our lives. Coincidental things add up to major changes like one person getting a death sentence before his time and causing the end of a life together.
That's the way it is. I still hate it.

I found this song that really expresses the way I felt for about the first 16 months of my life after Gary died.  I can't say I'm beyond the feelings of the song, but I have been able to have many more days when I feel only gratitude for having had Gary while I did, and not so much the sadness of his death as I get used to no longer having him here.

This song is for Gary. It is a beautiful song.  I hope you will take the time to listen and follow along.  And I wish that none of you will ever have to feel like this due to losing your bestest friend and lover.

Somebody That I Used to Know

MEN are a lot of work.  Getting to know them is very stressful.  Women have to work very hard- TOO hard in my thinking to impress them, please them and keep them around.  I will admit that I kinda slid into complacency as a married woman.  Shave your pits and legs once a week- hey, that should be good enough for the mister shouldn't it?  Besides the center of the bed only gets warmed up a couple times a week anyway.  And aren't socks made to be worn to bed?

Not so fast, dearie. The single woman does not get to play by those rules anymore.
So here I am. I don't have the luxury of having a decent guy safely in the palm of my hand, so I've been dealing with a person of interest who is very UN reciprocal to my efforts to whip myself into shape to please him.
Jeez! This should not be a one way street, should it? Why don't *I* get to control this part of my life? Ask another woman, especially one was once but now no longer married, and they'll say, "Listen, you need to know enough to say Enough!"

Actually to this 'sometime lover' I have said, "Enough!"  Some men appear to be rather dense and don't get it though.  Arguing via texts is so not how I want to spend my time while I'm shopping at Target.  Making ultimatums via texts has proven pointless too.  Unlike hearing a voice, a human will scan a text and pick out what his mind thinks is most important and disregard the rest.  I guess this is how Mr. Text operates.

For his part, he is tenacious, so I'll give him that.  He is like all men, consistently on the same track. However, its not the third rail that I'd like to throw him on though.  He thinks that all he has to do is show up with a fresh stick of gum in his mouth and that should be good enough. Oh yeah, baby!

Meanwhile, I've spent a lot of money and put a great deal of time into my appearance- but that's how its supposed to be, so there is no mention of anything about it.

Oh hell, I need to listen to my female friends and wise up. Quit caving and answering his messages.  Three of my friends are divorced and all tell me the same thing- you will happen upon a man who is worth it when you are not looking. Hmmmm... but that's exactly how I landed this fish on my boat!  When I decide to quit putting my life on hold, I will start up the troller and see what is really out there.  There's gotta be a secret spot on this lake that holds all the 'keepers'.  And now, I've really got to do something about that carp- he's just somebody that I used to know.