Not a leg to stand on

I am bummed. When the head says, 'yes', but the body says, 'absolutely not', what are you supposed to do?

About two weeks ago, I added running into my morning walks.  Robbie was not thrilled to be pulled away from the hundreds of bushes he wanted to smell and pee on, but too bad, dog.  I was seeing some progress in how long I was able to run in addition to speed walking.  Then, after a solid 10 days of pounding the pavement for more than an hour each morning, my knees and legs turned on me with a vengeance. I sought advice from my runner-in-law who is a long time runner extraordinaire.  Obviously, a pseudo diagnosis over the phone is not optimum for help in what to do.
 Its so irritating to go from seeing a future that held fitness to the idea that I will be thrown in the discard pile of fat to fit stories.

This whole idea of wild swings in my weight and shape has been a continuous thing for about 40 years. I starved myself for weeks in advance of the start of high school so that when we were weighed in gym class, my weight wouldn't be broadcast all over the girl's locker room, forever branding me as FAT.  What a STUPID thing this was to do to girls. No wonder we women have had body image problems for generations now.

So, yes, I do go up 60-80lbs but I have also managed to lose that much weight many times.  I have accrued as many Lifetime Weight Watchers lives as a cat.

Gary was no help whatsoever in my weight struggles.  There was no way he would EVER have understood what I endured, being a naturally lean person blessed with a perfect metabolism.  It was pure envy that I felt watching him eat ice cream every night, eating candy bars and sweets without a thought, and plowing through 5 loaded plates at AYCE buffets.  At home, he learned early to hide most of his 'crack' candy from me, the addict.

So I find myself on yet another journey to health.  It is really a necessary thing for me now to do this for my sanity and desire to live a better life.  My male friend thought I was comfortable being the way I am, but he has no history of how I have looked and obviously doesn't know me well enough to know I could never be satisfied in this unhealthy state.  One of the old guys at the dogpark told me I don't need to lose weight.  That spurred me into the weight loss mode at warp speed!

When I think of my inner self, I still think like that 17 year old who wants to look as good as the other skinny girls in high school.  You know how we all have a mental age that our minds think we are?  Perhaps 17 is my maturity level, but  my mental age is 26. 26 was a good age for me because it was one of those years I lost over 50 pounds, in fact.

Another friend, the mother of the runner-in-law, tells me I will have to sit this out until the pain subsides.  I can't do that though. I have a dog to walk and this mess stuck to my frame is not going to go away if I sit around with my feet up. I have every confidence that I will lose this, though.  I have experience and my mind is clearly focused on this one priority.  Without a doubt, I am an excellent  dieter. Now that a huge life event, Gary's death, is in my past, I will concentrate on my life's future.

So, my workaround of this problem will be to modify my routine in hopes that other means of exercise will get me through these tough times until I can resume speed walking with no pain. Weights, a mini tramp and Zumba music, plus some yoga will have to do for now.

In the grand scheme of things, this setback is not life changing, but instead is part of my still changing life.

Choosing Happiness

I live 
in an amazingly beautiful part of the world.  I am just now, after months and really years, realizing it. Even in my suburban area, I am near wildlife and scenery that is vast and open and rocky but full of life.  To our north is the Mogollon Rim, Sedona, and the Verde Valley, to the west are the White Tank mountains and to the south is South Mountain and Camelback. There are mountain preserves all over with hiking trails begging to be walked and there are always the sunrises and sunsets. Everyone thinks of the sunsets here, yes, but the dawns are perfect- soft and shy even in the summer heat. The wispy cloud chains are made of pink cotton candy pierced by the creeping sun rays as it rises. And this stuff goes on every single day!

The other evening I was walking Robbie at sunset as usual.  This time of year, there are often high scattered clouds formed in the late afternoon.  The warm air was still as the sun started its descent in the west over the White Tanks. I wasn't thinking of anything in particular when I looked up and was struck at how achingly gorgeous it was to see and experience a beautiful sky of dazzling lights and colors with my eyes. It about makes you want to cry. I wanted to share it so I told Robbie to notice how beautiful it was but since sunsets don't smell, he didn't care. When you see something sooooo unbelieveably beautiful, what do YOU do?  I thank God.  I had to, its just the polite thing to do to praise such a talented artist.  I feel so lucky and so grateful that He put me in this place at this time to see these skies and appreciate it. So I told God how lucky I felt.

Choosing happiness is a new thing I am experimenting with.  For ohhhh about 30 years, I've always prided myself on being a pessimist. I reasoned that if I was pessimistic about everything then, if it turned out alright, I would be pleasantly surprised. So I usually did think the worst of my situation and of myself and sometimes others.  And how's that working out for me?  Well, it may not serve me well going forward because I realize that I've been missing out on a lot.  Now I'm hoping it may not be too late.

There is a plethora of stuff about happiness out there.  One google search will land you more about it than you could ever read.  So many quotes, so little time to digest them all.  Many come across on facebook timelines but not enough of them make it far enough to get INTO our heads and INTO our lives.  I've decided to give the idea of happiness a try though.

There is a perky, pretty lady who lives about a block away from me whom I have spoken to a few times.  Her husband died suddenly three months before Gary.  Her answer to grief and working through it is to walk and pray.  Everyone knows this woman if I describe her because she walks a lot and everyone has seen her.  She seems like a very nice person, but she also seems unwilling to go outside her comfort zone to meet new people and give them a chance.  She is still married to her husband and will be for life she says. She doesn't have a desire to go places without him now. I'm not going to judge whether she is happy or not.  Her grief is her grief and no one else's. It seems to me like a waste of time to simply wait until her own death to be reunited with her husband so she can go on living though.

My own newest choice is to be happy with my situation in the here and now.  Its not been too hard and I can see little bright spots like illuminated clouds which sparkle with bright peach colored joy.  These moments are bright only because they are made up of both light and shadow and they stand out against the powder gray background underneath their glow.  It takes both light and dark, highs and lows and happy and sad to realize what you are seeing. That's what I think.

Til Death?

Poor Marriage...
Its being fought over by the religious right who uses it as a weapon against those who dare question these zealots about anything or anyone who falls outside of their slanted Christian ideals.

Poor Marriage...
There are less and less people who are willing to enter into it, save those who have been denied its privileges by lawful backdoor discrimination.  My observations on the eschewing of marriage are anecdotal. I happen to have populated my life here in AZ with mostly single people. None of these people are looking for someone to marry.  My male friend is one of those. Never married, he just doesn't see why anyone of any age would want to be.  Hell, he says he doesn't even like anyone sharing his bed for a whole night because he likes his own space! Now that's a diehard single. I've gotta say, that this is one of the reasons I like him and it mirrors  my feelings exactly. I like the lack of permanence with no dreamy eyed expectations from either person. You don't get that from a marriage.

Poor Marriage...
I don't understand why I would ever want to marry again, because, unless you're young and want a life partner, I see no value in it anymore.  Really, can't one find meaning and enjoyment in a relationship that is not a marriage? I guess that's the age old question, isn't it? Think of marriage at my time of life: Its the awfulness of having to take on a whole new family, someone else's children(ugh), and the huge pitfalls of debt, lack of financial planning and health issues. Nope, call me selfish, I can't take all that on.

Coming from having had a decent marriage that I can't duplicate no matter how I might want to, its gone. So now I do have other options. I can, and am willing to put more effort into new friendships that can give my life more fun and enjoyment and meaning, at least to me. Nothing stays the same forever anyway- every relationship changes and falls away.  I am the only one who is wedded to myself and my life partner is ME!

HaPpY!

I read a few pages of these widow self help books when the mood strikes. They can be pretty dry, but they are good references for looking up situations I run into as they happen to me. Guide books, bibles, whatever you wanna call 'em, they can be of help to state the obvious: LIVE YOUR LIFE.

I 'liked' this website called 1 Fit Widow and its a goldmine of info for self help and self realization though health and wellbeing, but tailored to the mindsets of widows.  Amazingly appropriate. The pic above came from that site.  I love it.

Here's a song you will know and love when you hear it. It fits the Mood Du Jour for me.  Enjoy!!!

Carpe Diem

carpe diem:

To "seize the day" and/or a certain moment in time.
To put aside all differences, all fears, all worries, and just go for it.
To make the most out of that part of time.

I've fallen into a relationship via texting.

 

That's the only way things can happen anymore, you know. Texting can be like the ancient activity of passing notes in school but all in an instant. It's semi anonymous, yet you can picture that person who you are texting to and its so damned much fun to text things you would NEVER in your life say out loud to that same person, even on the phone.  And that is exactly why people text instead of talk.

They say, 'If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.'  This new 'thing' could be a classic case of that rule. So, I think of this relationship kind of like a teen flick in the way that, in those movies, two or more people get caught up with each other but know all along that they will be parting ways in a few weeks.  It makes it important to live in the moment.  And I am.  Because I still plan to go up north this summer.  And that will be fine because I just don't see how something like this would last anyway.  My head is not in the clouds.

Learning about someone new, no matter how they figure into your life is pretty fun for me.  This person is a tradesman and talks about his company and what they do and I actually understand most of it. LLC's, S Corps, taxes: been there done that.  Stress, family problems, and anything he wants to talk about are interesting when you haven't heard it before. Meet a person and you meet their soap opera life, I've learned.  Being someone's fresh ears to hear this stuff is a great thing and its good for both people.  And since I am not thinking long term relationship, this is cool.

I also went out last Sunday morning for breakfast with an old guy from the dogpark.  He had asked me more than a year ago but I blew him off.  I see things in a different way now though. I listen to my dogpark friends about the lives of the people who go there day in and day out. It is a social club and a soap opera unto itself.  Just so you know, these people vary greatly in age, with 30 and 40 year olds through mid 70's. Married, divorced, widowed and single, everyone has a story. They bring human and dog treats to share. They watch each others' dogs when traveling. They get together outside the park too. Super Bowl Sunday was a chicken chili gathering at one of the houses nearby, dogs welcome. Breakfasts and lunches are almost daily with some.

I mainly go to the park on the days when I know my friend Yedi is there. I love her views on life and especially about the other dogpark people. There are a lot of opinions and rumors thrown around.  After going there and getting into these people's lives, both men and women, I just decided, 'You know what? Fuck It.  People are just people. I'm people and I want to be with other people.'  All the restrictions I have put on myself are of my own doing and I've decided I am undoing them now.  I am enjoying talking to people and not being so close minded about who they are and who I think I am.

About that breakfast with the old guy- it turned out to be ok, plus, he bought. :-)

So at least for a little while, I look forward to experiencing both the benefits and possible pitfalls of my decision-
                                                  to talk, text, listen, laugh, and live.

To whomever reads these blog entries:

I've gotten some feedback from reader(s) who state that the thoughts I am expressing here are bringing them down.  Sorry, I don't mean to project myself as being a Debbie Downer.
It is not, nor ever was my intention that my thoughts presented here would lead people to wonder about me(is she losing it?), or feel bad about themselves, their own feelings about me or Gary, or what I write, alright? Alright.

I speak in this blog somewhat in the format that I would (if I had one) to a professional therapist.  I really do need to find another therapist.  Really need to. I kind of feel like my edges are fraying about a relationship issue. I'm maybe, just maybe entering into something that I should not be, but who the hell knows what is right and what is wrong? Not me! Not anymore. I sit here and consider what more I can expand on about this in this blogpost, but I am so damned cautious anymore, I can't make a move without questioning myself. I get the shakes just thinking about this. What's wrong with me? Right and Wrong are blurring. Will one prevail?

Add to this, some people have told me I've changed a lot in the past 14 months.  Well, does anything or anyone stay the same I ask?    nuh uh!

Why, I ask the computer screen, can't I do what I feel and not beat myself up for feeling it?
I'm rebelling against the feeling, then trying to listen to the tiny common sense voices that I thought I could count on.

Oh Good Lord, this is so ridiculous, bordering on stupid. I hate change, but in some ways welcome it.  I am hating changing, but can't stop it. This incomprehension is more than an annoyance.  Is THIS why 'they' say the second year of being alone is worse than the first?  Feeling this way makes me think, "Oh yeah."

<insert primal scream here>

Being so cryptic is a pain too, but leaking any information here, at least for now, is something I couldn't handle because I'm not in control yet. How do I gain control of my marbles when my bag has holes in it!

For now, just go to bed. Its gotta be better tomorrow.

Deep Breath................exhale

One More Step

toward getting the house fit for sale will finally happen tomorrow.

 

I am getting the 2 bathrooms and the laundry room tiled. Gary and I had the majority of the floors redone with a good looking wide plank laminate when we moved in.  Although he thought about it, we knew Gary could not do it, so we got a name of an installer from Floor & Decor, the store we LOVE to shop at for flooring and tile of all sorts.  We have spent lotsa hours and money at Floor & Decor here in Glendale and over in Norco, CA buying flooring for 5 houses now. Gary, having worked as a tile setter for many years could imagine and install any design I thought of and a lot that I never dreamed of.  But now I am like every other schmuck out there who has to hire this stuff done.
These tile guys did a nice job with the laminate so I called the same company back and he gave me what I thought was a decent price. I didn't find the best price on tile at Floor & Decor this time, however. Lowe's was having a closeout on a tile I liked and so I bought it and all the materials there.  I know exactly what to buy and I know that Gary always pointed out that Lowe's had cheaper prices on grout and thinset. So I made my decision and am happy with it. 

I am also happy to report I got the deck of the pergola in the backyard fixed by a neighborhood handyman a week ago.  What a relief that is.  After he fixed it and built me a new, more Asian style bridge, I applied deck cleaner on the deck, let it dry and put two coats of stain on it. Two coats of paint went on the bridge. They look great now and should make it through the summer heat.

So, slowly, slowly, I am coming to the conclusion of what I wanted to accomplish on this house.  Fingers crossed, if all goes well, I will put the house up for sale in the fall when I return. By then I will have made up my mind on where I want to move. I have to be an optimist for once.

I am putting things out in the garage that I no longer wish to pay a mover to move to a new location. I've got to try another garage sale before I go back north this spring. There are still tools of Gary's to sell. I am also taking things that I want to give to family and putting them in bags to keep them clean while traveling, finally getting them out of my life and into someone else's. Some things, like our concrete birdbath have moved with us for over 25 years, but no more. This heavy stuff needs to be sold or left behind. A solo person needs to travel light.

On how to decide where to live-- I really, really wish I could afford to rent a house or apartment somewhere and try on a place before making a permanent move there. I also wish I could travel and check out new states and cities that might finally feel right.
Well, for a little while anyway, I will admire and enjoy my updated tiled bathrooms and hope they will help the house sell a little faster.

That will be the final step.

Walls

So I'm out in the backyard a few days ago. I bought a couple of butterfly bushes to plant as if I am going to stay here.  The backyard needs lots of empty holes plugged with plants to look better so I went ahead and got the poor plants which will probably die anyway, just like everything else in this climate. I take back as many dead plants to Lowe's as I buy new ones to sacrifice to the god of heat and sun in this awful place.
Anyway, I'm back in the corner of the yard and I notice that the wall separating me from my neighbor Dean, has gaps that you can see through in the joints of the block.  No more mortar holds the wall together, only the memory remains of what the blocks were supposed to be doing when the laborers slapped the wall up back in 1998.  "Jeez!" I say to myself. "What next? What more can go wrong with this place that I will have to fix or repair or maintain?"  I get so tired of the worry that the next shoe to fall will be something that costs thousands.
Maintaining the wall and the house is like maintaining my equilibrium in my life. I need those floaties that little kids wear to keep treading water.  The only difference is that floaties for adults are made of numbers in a bank account.
I only have a couple of months left here before I travel up north to find a summer job.  I don't expect any financial gain from the job, because all my income will go toward rent and expenses. I really hope that I will get some divine inspiration as to where I will be in 2015.  I'm so tired of being me, of being me here, and of feeling like crap about living in general.
I take Robbie for 2 walks a day.  There are people out everywhere here, but none of them are friend material.  Everyone is old or already has a walking friend or a swimming buddy or a companion. On weekends I go to a dog park and talk to other people who are my age. Its nice, but they all have places to go, and people(family) to see.  I have no interest in dating, but c'mon- the few people I talk to anymore are non drinkers! Gary and I used to do a happy hour once a week and it was something I really looked forward to.  Now I got nuthin'. I'm not about to sit at home and drink alone. Its not about drinking either, because neither of us usually drank more than one anyway.  It was just the companionship of sitting there totally relaxed, watching the TV above the bar, or watching people, hearing snippets of conversations that prompted one or both of us to think of something we hadn't told the other before.
Yesterday morning I woke up and as usual, my first thought was, What day is it? Monday. Oh. Now that I have no husband to care for or about, no friends or relatives nearby to call or visit,  no reason to go to physical therapy, grief groups, or doctors, I don't need to 'get' anywhere. Yesterday, for the very first time, I had the conscious thought: My life has no purpose.
  
My existence is like the backyard wall. There are big gaps in it and its a sure bet it will eventually fall down.