Just Numb3rs

For someone who hates numbers and math, I am quite obsessed about them.
Every thought, every where I turn, my day, week, month, year and life is all about numbers.

We count everything, don't we? We should count how many chews we should make before swallowing. We count calories, we count fat grams, protein grams, carbs, net carbs and fiber our bodies take in in a meal and for the day and week.

I watch the numbers fluttering by on the scale as it settles down to what I weigh that moment.  The scale is less forgiving than Judge Judy in the numbers verdicts it hands down. I see the numbers on the tape measure around my waist and record them every 2(another number) weeks.

I mark the calendar with my numbers to mark the days, months, year.  I workout to numbers listening hard for the number of the sets and minutes that I have completed and for how many I have left to go.

I look at people and guestimate their age, and weight.  I put a number value on their appearance as I watch them stroll past me with food plates piled high on their 4th trip through the desert bar at the buffet.

I've been told by someone who was 20 years younger than me, "Age is just a number."  I was also told by someone who is 20 years older than me, "Age is just a number."  But it is more than that to me. It is an emotion when someone is too far removed from my age related experiences that they are not tuned into the same things as me.  Age numbers do matter in relationships.

A newer revelation to me is that actually, weight IS just a number.  Reaching the magic number on the scale's readout is an amazing feeling followed by the immediate thought of,  'Now, what's my next task- keeping that number on the scale from ever changing?'  The answer I already know is way more subjective and I think, as I look at myself in the mirror, 'hmmm  maybe I don't want to stay at this number if this is how I look.'

The satisfaction goal of reaching my number has been met.  The satisfaction goal of living with myself will probably move. 

And that, dear readers, is something that Sesame Street could never teach us to count.

The Wagon- as seen from below

So the other night I fell off the wagon, the one on which I eat clean and for my health.  Was it because I reached my goal weight that day?  Maybe, but I suspect stress changed my attitude and got in the way of my normal common sense.

What did I OD on?  Protein bars.  Full of flavor, fiber and delicious goodies like chocolate chips and sweetness, I ate 2.5 bars while sitting in front of the TV watching a free HBO movie that I was already recording.  The TV is my drug of choice when I want to enter the land of mindlessness.  If I had even gone over to the computer, I would have been confronted by tons of support that crowds my email inbox.  I subscribe to a slew of sites about healthy foods, great nutrition and most of all, positive living through mindfulness.  And perhaps especially because I knew that these helpful email messages were there waiting to be read, I chose to avoid them while I closed my mind and opened my mouth.

It is a big deal.  Not because I feel like a 'bad girl' for rebelling against the control I've lived with for so long, but to me it feels like the boogie man in the dark closet pulled me in and shut the door for an hour.  And that ugly dark closet is a place I HATE to go to after having escaped it last February. 

What was I feeling when I opened the wrappers of the 'candy bars' I ate that night?  I tried not to feel anything.  I was avoiding my feelings, trying to dull them at all costs. That's how I do it(or I should say, DID IT).

So I ate the bars. Maybe you're thinking, C'mon- they were somewhat healthy and what's the big deal? The one thing that saved me from eating the whole box is that the fiber content means my body would never be able to handle all that at one sitting.  Thank goodness!?

Before bed, I did drag myself over to the computer to read emails and sure enough, I had a PERSONAL letter from a great site called Fit Life Happy Life.  The website is run by a sharp young woman, Jill, who has such refreshing thoughts, recipes and insights.  She wrote me a letter in response to a letter I wrote her when she asked for information about me and my situation.


Here's an excerpt she wrote to me-

I have learned that an “all or nothing” mentality regarding food choices can actually hinder my progress and cause more anxiety for me. The more I learned to let go of the rules and “go off plan” the better I felt about my choices.  I understand your fear of eating things that your body is not used to and feeling crummy and that’s ok but saying, “I will never eat ____” or “I only eat _____”, can create a lot of stress!  I used to say these things too!!  It’s definitely a process that takes some practice over time but you can get there!!  If I eat something and I feel like crap, oh well, I accept it and move on AND I do not feel any guilt over my choices.  I also know that it will not set me back on all the gains I have made.

If there is one thing that people hear from me these days, is a lot of "I will never eat this or that ever again." I can't really say that now, can I.  There shouldn't be any all or nothings in our lives.  It doesn't work that way.  Experience that feeling of eating what you ate and move on.

I also read on another super smart fitness/nutritionist expert who is still a 'real' person, Jill Coleman.
Here's what Jill Coleman had to say in a recent blogpost:

Today's reminder: "There's always more where that came from."

For me, this is such a powerful insight, whether applied to food or success or money or relationships or positive feelings or motivation. It's a reminder to maintain an abundance mindset.

When I do, I'm able to relax into my life. I don't feel stressed every second that things are happening that I can't control or that opportunities are slipping through my fingers, or that I won't ever have another chance to do ________. I can give up feelings of urgency or exclusivity.

This practice helps me trust that I can always move in a new direction or adjust if I need to in order to create the life/outcomes/abundance that I want.

It helps me trust the process 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For me, this stuff goes way beyond dieting and eating, its about how we handle what happens every day in our lives- the things that stress us, that 'get to us' and the people who push our buttons.  Its one little choice we have- and that is, how we react to these things that get thrown in our faces.

My take away from my helpful sources and how I'm learning to apply them is, when you stumble in your eating plan, get up the next morning and make yourself a great breakfast.  Life goes on and you may as well be in the flow of that life.  Another lesson learned.

Hitting Home

You know, I've been feeling pretty good lately.  I just got back from a family reunion up in Sedona for our mom's 85th birthday.  This trip was in lieu of us 4 siblings going to Sioux Falls, SD on Thanksgiving Day for her actual birthday.  Not exactly a garden spot that time of year.  Summers can be brutal, too, but that's another story.

So we brought our mom out and we all stayed at a nice resort for 4 days.  My niece, her husband and 1 year old son joined us.  It was busy and yet we managed to get mom to most of the sights and gather each evening for meals and drinks. We went to a restaurant and had some great food and I even ate 3 bites of dessert- my first sweets in 9 months. And when I jumped on the scale this morning I could barely believe my eyes.  I lost another 2.5 pounds! I felt great on my walk this morning in part because of my surprising fat loss, but also because I just feel more positive in the mornings. Especially these cool mornings when its long sleeve t-shirt weather.  Shorts will still work if I wait until the sun is up to go out.  I talked to mom this morning on my walk, and despite the weather up there, she sounded upbeat too. Last Saturday morning when I dropped mom off at the airport, she said thank you to me and that last week was, "the best birthday ever".  I'm glad, because I don't think there will be another like this.  Things happen as we all know.  We are humans and our time here is fleeting.

This fact hit home to me today when I opened my email and read about a beautiful woman that Gary and I knew from our Parkinson's support group in California.  She was so sweet to us and I have often thought about her.  I friended her on facebook after Gary died and she wrote me a couple of times, but I had not heard from her in quite awhile.

Today I found out she passed away from cancer on October 15.  That was two days shy of Gary's death anniversary.  I even remember what I was doing that day, because I was dreading the 17th and anticipating my feelings.  Our dear friend fought the same Parkinson's battles that Gary did while working and was a very positive influence on both Gary and me.  For both of them to have died too young because of cancer is just not fair.  I know I overuse the fairness argument, but I am out of other feelings about death due to cancer.  I hate it.  It just sends me back to an ugly dark pit of despondency.  I can feel the same old feelings I experienced with Gary's passing.  It is haunting and I thought I was 'done' with that. Not to be.  That's life. That's death.  And right now, that's why I am very very sad all over again.

How could I have forgotten that no matter how we think we can fly, we are still tethered to the ground?  The ground is metaphorically our family, our life, our past and our futures, our humanity and our souls. The ground is also death.

Like the old saying, 'you can run, but you cannot hide.'  That's sure true about death, ain't it.  I am painfully reminded that every day is a gift. 

I am going to try to get over to our friend's memorial in a couple of weeks.  It will be the first memorial service I have attended since Gary's.  It was bound to happen.  There will be more, but maybe none as hard as this one will be.