These musings are not gibberish to me. Because I am now of the view that motives need to be analyzed and actions do indeed speak volumes more than mere words, I then turn my ponderings of others back onto my self. How can I judge others' worth when I need to look at my own worth and see it for what it is?
I have established a relationship with someone I perceive to be described in one word: Honorable. The kind of 'honorable' one uses when addressing a judge. Yes, he is that honorable.
When and if we get a 'do over' in life and wind up searching for a special someone in mid life, we pretty much know what we don't want. Look at the scars on your own psyche's skin and think about how they got there. Yep, that's the stuff we don't want to ever see again.
Turning a negative into a positive, we have nebulous ideals of what we want in that new person, but its tough to iron out these ideals into hard and fast rules of what we would find acceptable in a new mate.
In my own relationships over my life I remember the really good stuff and the really bad stuff. The rest of the stuff is what makes up 90% of our existence though, so what to do about that?
Mr. Honorable is named DSJ. DSJ is everything and nothing like what I would have set out to find in the perfect mate. He is kind, thoughtful(to the extreme), quiet, respectful and has been schooled in the midwestern code of Moral Conduct a la Methodism. Yet he is not a Christian. >gasp!< How can a non Christian be moral? It happens all the time and we are surrounded by such people. These are people who refuse to be branded and who don't buy the pre-packaged versions of themselves that they were told they are by their loving parents or in childhood Sunday Schools.
DSJ comes with sterling credentials. He is educated and has completed a career which has led him to have lived all across the U.S. He has collected the lint from many different regions and those places have left their marks on his thinking and opinions. But under it all lies the Nebraska sensibilities he acquired from his parents. Those are what carries him now as he faces life without his wife/partner of 40+ years.
I believe in fate and I believe that DSJ is exactly what I need right here and right now. He is a puzzle to me and unlike anyone I've ever been attracted to. He is not 'exciting, dynamic, or sparkling'. He has a boyish shyness with the open smile to match. He doesn't need to stoop to using profanity or cutting remarks about others. He is steady and kindhearted like a good dad, and lighthearted like a favorite brother. He is the guiding light of that special teacher. He is that one friend who you can always call on in a pinch for help or an opinion. He is the promise of a love that you wanted when you were in Junior High. His affection is special because it is not given lightly. He is the kind of man I would love to have brought home for my dad to meet and be impressed by. I am so very proud that I get to know this man at this stage in my life.
Above all, my dear DSJ is willing to open up his heart to me and I to him. This is a very strange dark forest we walk into. Neither of us ever expected to be here and certainly not together.
I have for a long time now wanted to be anything but superficial. Superficiality is what I aim to escape and its all I've been living in for too long. Being with DSJ is the absolute opposite of living a superficial life.
Now how's that for an exciting, dynamic and sparkling second chance!?
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