A down/UP couple of days.

I need to 'fess up.  This is not my diary. I do edit my blogposts to gloss over some happenings that occur. So full disclosure, I am not all smiles and a brave face about being alone again.  I actually have been conversing and spending tiny bits of time with DM.  I sent him a letter stating that we need to separate. We both ignored that.  Then I ignored him for about a week and I was feeling somewhat better. Suddenly he started texting me again.  The following week he came to the park by my house and we sat in the grass and talked. He said he needed two more weeks to grow a pair and decide what to do. I had just mailed a postcard with three sentences: 'Please do not contact me in any form. I am better off without you. I wish you all the best.'
Truth is, DM loves his big beautiful home in a gated community.  He loves his two dogs and the 3 car garage with all his tools to putz around the yard and his vehicles with.  He will put up with anything his Ex can dish out just to live the life he prefers. He's had 40 years of experience doing it. Except- there's me and he really does love me in his warped way.  He just wants all of it, dammit.
So DM gets the postcard and he calls it "very harsh".  And then we go on to talk about other stuff, ignoring it ever happened.

 

I talked to him at his empty condo last week and again on Saturday.  Saturday he came over to my house and saw all of the changes I've been making to make it look more industrial.  About 90 minutes later DM is running out the door to supposedly get to the cable company office to return his box.  The next day I felt so shitty about the whole breakdown of my sense of self and self respect.  I have been reading a ton of the disorders of DM and Ex, but I had failed to figure my place and accountability in this insane triangle. I finally took the quiz to see if I am codependent or narcissistic............. Ding Ding Ding!!  Codependent!

Ye Gods, that explains a lot of why I can't let go of him even if he is a douche bag to me. I will and have done anything he wanted to try to please him, even as I knew intellectually that I should not put up with his actions. What made me the most mad was that he is not willing to do ANYTHING about the situation including just taking me anywhere as a girlfriend or friend.  He can't because Ex(the one who 'allows' him to have that nice roof over his head) activates the house arrest chip in his brain and he has to run home. He didn't even leave 5 dollah on the dresser.
I looked.

When I talk about this stuff to my son, he listens and he points out what is obvious to everyone but me: Ex is not the one I should be pissed at.  All the damage done rests squarely on DM's shoulders.  He was the one making the decisions, however they came to him, to lie to me and return to the Ex. This is just not logical I want to argue, but that doesn't matter to his programed brain.

DM told me months ago that he could get me smaller garbage cans(owned by the city), but he found out the city doesn't want people using them and they won't let anyone new have the small size.  So DM said he would trade me my big monster cans for his small cans at the condo. On garbage day Tuesday, he texts me very nicely that he will change the cans after they are dumped.  He made arrangements to see me on Thursday for lunch.  I really wanted to meet with him to break up and give him a list that I'd made up of why we should not be together. Not the least of which is he is living with the Ex!  I thanked him and said that should be the last favor I ever ask of him.  He queries back, "Why?"  I told him in four Android lines what the last 2+ months have been like for me and that I am looking elsewhere for happiness. His final text:  "Good Luck and I wish you and Robbie the best." 

"But what about my garbage cans!" I shouted at the phone.  I went to a friend's house that afternoon to tell her what had transpired.  She had told me two weeks earlier to quit taking his texts. When I read aloud his final text, she said grimly, "Don't be surprised if he tries to come back again." She knows men and she knows DM! She glanced out her window and saw DM across the street at his condo looking for the cans. "Speak of the Devil, there he is."  I had only rolled my recycling can over and not the garbage can yet.  I went outside just as DM drove away so I didn't get an answer if he planned to give me his cans.  By now, you're guessing that these cans are a BFD to me!!

So now I have no garbage cans at my house- they are over at the condo two blocks away. No little cans have been brought over to replace them.   grrrrrr

I know quite clearly that stretching out a break up is not good for either party.  And since I really only have to care about myself anymore, I know that it is especially hard on ME. Picking at the sore under the band-aid is just torture. Rip the bloody thing off and start healing! To aid in that I've been reading and rereading this: Codependent No More

Well, since then I've been working diligently at that.  Another Trivia Meetup on Tuesday night. A Humpday dinner at Black Angus tonight. We are all Baby Boomer Singles and most are older than me.  I'm used to that by now though. The one tonight was pretty good. I would like to have met more people, but I'll keep going and it will take time. During dinner conversation, I had a receptive audience to my grain-free diet from a woman from Washington. She wrote down the names of the books and the website I recommended to her.  :o)

The best part of my day was a 7:30am visit to a Toastmaster Club here in Peoria. I've decided that this club is one I can work with.  I think once I get all the positions' functions down, I will like it.  It is scary and challenging.  This is my kind of group with people of all ages; professionals of all races.  Yes! I can escape from the generic geriatric genre of Sun City!
The Toastmaster of the Day this morning is also an author of some inspirational books.  He had a great message that seemed to be meant for me right now.
I hope that the ability to speak effectively at Toastmasters also reflects well on my writings and brings a better understanding of word usage.  Maybe I should also look into a writers group.  hmmmm

The word of the day at the meeting was Tranquil.  The message the Toastmaster delivered was about peace. An excerpt from the handout he gave the members and visitors is here and I think you'll agree: its a good'un for any of us:

Keys to Achieving Personal Peace

PEACE is the serenity of the soul, the tranquility of the mind, the simplicity of the heart, the bond of love and the union of  charity. 

*Let Go of Your Past - It will not serve you in your present or future.  If there is something you failed to learn and need to know, don't worry, it will come back around to give you another shot.
*Look Forward to Your Future - It is the vision for which you strive.  But remember it can only be achieved through the actions you take each day.
*Live In The Present - Be in touch with all that is around you.  Always be looking for the positive and good in people and situations. Be in the moment with everyone you interact with.
*Trust - in yourself and others until they prove untrustworthy.
*Be Vulnerable - Love like you've never been hurt- give like you've never been cheated.  Reach out a hand like you've never been rejected.
*Believe - that no matter what happens to you or around you, you will be OKAY.

Its over.  Its over. Its over. It has to be over!!!
 

The @Rt of conversation

I remember taking speech class in high school.  It was one of those required classes in order to graduate from a South Dakota high school and I think it was a good requirement.  We all need to be able to think and speak while on our feet.  I wish I had gotten into Debate after seeing how well both my sons did in the competitions years later.

So why should speech class garner my accolades now?  Because the various kinds of speeches we were required to present forced me to formulate and articulate my views while in front of an audience of peers.  I could usually wing it successfully even if not properly prepared.  Today I wish I had aggressively pursued Toastmasters too. Never too late for that, I guess.

All forms of communication are based on the verbal signals and phrases we send out to our listeners or conversation partners.  Its such a valuable skill to have, that of the spoken word, person to person, complete with all the nuances and inflections of the voices.  No guessing the meaning of the speaker's words when there is a lively expressive face to watch while hearing the words the face is forming.

I am taking a new interest in speaking and in the art of conversation because I am going forward with plans to meet more people who may have similar interests as me.  Most of these are singles and through Meetup, I am finding a plethora of groups who do things I would like to do or try.  Meeting people requires me to think, to observe, to listen, react appropriately and recall. I am out of practice so I have been trying to hone those skills again by going places with people and spending more time with people than on the computer.

Last weekend, I went to breakfast with my 84-yr-old neighbor man down the street.  He talked about his wife who passed away a couple of years ago.  He spoke of his dreams to move to a coastal area in Florida or the Carolinas.  Dreams don't stop just because you reach a certain age!  He reminisced about traveling in Europe to places his family ancestors had told him about.  He was very happy to have someone sitting across from him listening to his stories.  He then listened to my situation, my dreams and he told me the one thing I should be doing is to move out of Sun City to meet a non-letcherous man who cares about himself in both body and mind. One who can reciprocate my feelings and who has empathy for others.  My kinda guy, alright.

And how does one find a person or people like this?  By talking to them.  Striking up conversations wherever I go.  Making speeches one on one, if you will. Most importantly, listening and consciously absorbing all you can through the words and the body language you get and give.

Its not easy to hold a conversation with someone you've just met.  You don't dare tread into certain areas like politics and religion. That's plainly committing convo hari kari.

Up until yesterday, I was also seeing a man who I thought may have been a possible future interest of sorts, but that fizzled when I learned, through 7 dates and numerous phone conversations, that he is just NOT at all my type of man.  Even if I had managed to get past the 10 cats he has crawling every square inch of the home he shared with his wife who died, I just can't tolerate a man who doesn't know what's going on in the world.  Get this: he didn't even KNOW that Bruce Jenner is going transgender!! How big was that frickin' rock he was under?!! I mean, c'mon, does he not read the magazines at the nail salons like I do?  Sheese!

After 3 weeks of trying the dating thing, I had to text my "Dear John, I-don't-think-either-of-us-is-ready-for-this-right-now-and-even-though-you-got-that-Cialis-script-from-your-doctor-I-just-don't-think-I'm-the-type-for-sex-without-love."(Especially since 4 of his cats share his bed with him and the smell of Fresh Step about gagged me when I walked in his front door)  But that's just me....

So its on to new horizons in the game of meeting new people.  My next stop is to try outdoor activity Meetups.  I went to one Meetup last night, a happy hour followed by 2 hours of trivia played at a bar in Surprise.  The group, consisting of baby boomer singles has some members who are on the the tip of the boomer iceberg, but most seem very nice and the conversation was very easy.  I even knew some trivia answers in the hockey and horses topics.  One man who I was particularly keen on getting to know happens to have lived in Sioux Falls in the 70's when I was still in high school.  He doesn't look very old though and I wasn't going to be so rude as to ask his age since we were in a large group.  I may join up another group he is in which goes on casual bike rides on weekends.  Some more commonality we share is that he is a widow as of last June and he has lost 35 pounds on Weight Watchers.  He seems very nice indeed.
One thing I found interesting in talking with him is that when I expressed my regret for his wife's sudden death of a massive stroke, I also added that I admired his ability to 'get out there' and join the world so quickly after her passing.  He shrugged it off and said, "life goes on".  Refreshing!  I've read that men may be more likely to gather themselves up faster and are able to connect with and date people sooner than women.

Oh and lets not forget talking to DM now and then.  I just cannot hate the guy, and we do communicate without malice.  I don't use the letters DM to abbreviate for Dear Man anymore though; DM now stands for Disturbed Man or Decimated Man, but never Diabolical or Despicable Man. I actually have figured out a lot about him(and me) and now think I can look ahead to a future without him because I am constantly having a rational conversation with myself about the impractical nature of him being in my life in his present state of mind.
So I remain a student of conversation and speech with new and interesting people.   Stay tuned, our conversation continues after a brief commercial break....

WYSIWYG

I am sitting outside this morning with coffee, my protein shake and my laptop at the tiny table on my covered patio.  The days I'll be able to do this are numbered because as May approaches, even the morning temps can be too hot to sit comfortably outside for long periods.

I hear my bamboo fountain splashing into the tiny pond.  Doves, finches and hummingbirds sound their coos and chips in the branches of my large shade tree.

I look at the beauty of my landscape and I like what I see.  Its WYSIWYG.

 WYSIWYG is a term used in word processing and typesetting to signify that what you see on your computer screen is what you will get when you print or produce what you are typing.  Its a pretty profound advancement that came about in the 80's in the infancy of computer graphics and html processing of all kinds.
WYSIWYG stands for "What You See Is What You Get".  The phrase was first used by the comedian Flip Wilson in his persona of Geraldine.
I was walking Robbie earlier when the acronym WYSIWYG popped into my mind. Wouldn't it be great if people were as authentic as what we see when we type into our devices? How I wish I could go back and see again the person(s) I was so wrong about at first, but would now have the ability, with WYSIWYG, to see what they were like in reality?
Its been a trying but learning process the last three weeks to overcome the feeling of loss of my relationship with DM.  In fact, its still not settled in some respects.
I have learned sooo much with my late night and day long forays into the world of psychology, personality disorders and basically people who are fucked up in the head. BINGO! I found DM and his ex in crisp black and white after combing through all the descriptions of their bizarre behaviors.
I absolutely needed to do this for myself even though most people would say, "Oh just quit obsessing and move on.  There's someone out there who will treat you right." That is kinda like when people say to a grieving widow, "Its time to Move On".    Well sorry, but considering the sources of that advice, it is very unhelpful when it comes from someone who is happily or at least contentedly married and has no idea what its like to be alone when you don't choose to be.
Back to my research of the human psyche.  The mess I was unwittingly dragged into is called Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  Ex has it BAD.  She ticks ev-er-ree box of symptoms.  Control freak to the max and has never known a moment of happiness in her life, I'm sure. You don't want to know all the other markers that she exhibits and I am not going to retype them here.
Then there is DM, aka Codependent Narcissistic who, as is typical, picked a rube(moi) to suck into his relationship with Evil Ex.  Its called Triangulation and it almost always happens with dysfunctional narcissistic couples.  Although DM may not have originally been a narcissist, over the years he was programed by his master (Ex) to behave a certain way, say and do things the way she wanted, yet he never has and never can hope to get her approval.  Her brain disorder won't let that happen. She will always be his and everyone else's superior. Cruelty, constant angst, hateful words, substance abuse, and just pure misery is a way of life for them both and they don't even have a clue that this is not normal life.
I found that about 6% of all people have NPD.  Lucky me- beating those odds so nicely to get sucked into the exclusive 6% Club!  I have been reading books galore and even more articles about breaking off a relationship with someone with NPD.  Not knowing any other way to operate in the world, DM has adopted the same self centered behavior as Ex.  Ahhhh, a match made in Hell.
All of the breakup books and articles refer to the other 94% of typical relationships that go south, where there is actually some blame to be laid at the feet of both parties.  This too, does me no good.  I was truly the victim in the whole sad story.  There was nothing I could have done differently. I know that and that is a powerful realization.
*I* am not nuts!  I am a good person.  I am smart.  Most of all, I know that I didn't do anything wrong.
Narcissists put on a facade at first.  DM is a superb actor, so he can lie like a champ and cry like a little girl(tearless though) when its needed.  Our first two months were bliss, yes, but when I started to call him on the broken promises, outright lies and secretive activities, he started to bail on me in little ways.  Even with the strong control his Master has on him, that old familiar prison started to look preferable to being the persona he couldn't continue to masquerade as to me. Poor DM- our relationship didn't feel safe anymore.  He re-offended so that he could be sent back to prison.
Thinking I was dealing with a normal divorcing basket case, I tried to support him and followed the rules they made me play by. I was a good Triangular Girl for 3 months.
Most relationships with narcisissts only last for 3-6 mos.  I played it out for 5.5.  This was to my detriment.
But, oh the lessons I've learned!!  I think I'm on my way to an A in this chapter test of Life 101, because I now will approach every possible relationship with a critical eye.  A very critical eye.

Technology is a wonderful thing.  Think of the cars that drive themselves. Now we need great minds to get onto the task of inventing something that  enables us to read people better in advance of being crushed by their depraved needs and manipulations.  I wish I had a such a tool to gauge, "What I See Is Who I Want To Love".

Character is doing the right thing even when it costs more than you want to pay.

 When it comes to character, you don't have to be sick to get better.

Its easier for a good person to get better than for a bad person to get good.

Michael Josephson

Cause everything is never as it seems

 From my last post you can surmise that I have exited from the bizarro world that I orbited with DM and the debris that came with him.

Yeah, it sucked. It still sucks.  But I was getting suspicious of the lifespan of the relationship anyway.  There were many clues I chose to avoid and shut out. Am I the only one who does this? Doubt it.  We WANT so badly to believe that things aren't really so bad and so we ignore the intuition and the danger signs. It didn't mean they weren't there and they did not go away.

Heartbreak is a major letdown, but with every bad there is also good.  The good?  Well, I am still myself, I am still intact as ME and no longer have to shoulder the burden of being US when it was uncomfortable at worst or just a bother at the least.

 I find I LIKE going to bed when I want to.  I eat when I want to, and what I want.  I am not concerned with making food for a grain consuming palette.  I am quite happy that the stress of US is gone which had been causing me to stress eat. I was bending to the will of someone who said I was too thin so I gained 15 pounds.  I did not like myself at that weight though.  BUTT!  In just a couple of weeks, I'm down nearly 6 pounds.  I feel incredibly strong because this has never happened before when I've lost a slug of weight.  I've always gained it back.  NUH UH!! Not this time and NOT for a pathetic reason like this!

Back to MY priorities: nutritious food and healthy daily workouts.  I even listen to MY music again. Country music has been wiped from my computer's and tablet's Pandora as have those pictures of that smiling couple headed down a destructive path.

I love this song, Fireflies, because I visualize having my own fruit jar of happy things(fireflies) sitting on my nightstand.  Sure, I can watch them inside the jar and enjoy their beauty, but I can also let one or two escape and flit around spreading their tiny lights in the darkness. It proves that even tiny little things can be a delight and will surprise us.

I've decided that now is a good time to reach into my jar of fireflies and give a few the freedom of flight and happiness. And I get to enjoy the show.

This pretty much sums it up as of 4/4/15

It only makes sense if you read the lyrics.

 

 Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly
I turned on the lights, the TV, and the radio
Still I can't escape the ghost of you
What has happened to it all?
Crazy someone say
Where is the life that I recognize?
Gone away
But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Passion or coincidence once prompted you to say
"Pride will tear us both apart"
Well now prides gone out the window
Cross the rooftops, run away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart
What is happening to me?
Crazy someone say
Where is my friend when I need you most?
Gone away
But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Papers in the roadside tell of suffering and greed
Fear today, forgot tomorrow
Besides the news of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk
And I don't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Every world is my world
(I will learn to survive)
Any world is my world
(I will learn to survive)
Any world is my world
Every world is our world