Although
you may have noticed in my last posting, I did not use the word 'love' when referring to DSJ, he is very much that to me.
OH NO, you say! Don't go there!! Not NOW- not after the relationship fiasco you recently survived!
Ummm, well ok then, I won't 'go there' because I am already HERE.
And guess what: I have never been 'here' before. DSJ is my person, so shiny and new and so polar opposite of anyone I've loved before. No comparison.
Why dare even tread on the edge of that pool you ask, let alone take the plunge? Like we used to say in answer to our kids' constant queries for which we had no answers, I answer, "Because". Because I can. Because I'm alive now and I may not be tomorrow. Because he is alive and I'm alive and because we both have outlived our spouses for some reason. Because we are Here.
I posted on my fb page, a link to a site for the tiny minimalist. It refers to getting your head to the point where you can be content to live with what you have and not have to have it 'all'. Along with that is the takeaway that we must remember:
I am living this concept, that there is no time like NOW. Not because I want or need to have all my wants right now. No, quite the opposite. You need to sort out what is really important and work on just that as a need. Do it NOW. There may not be a tomorrow for you or for those you love or want to love.
I've been reading quite a lot about relationships for people. As usual, there is a plethora of advisers for the romantics out here. Don't do this or that too soon or too much or too too. But the advice all seems to be directed at those who are in their 20's or 30's. What about the lonely hearts here in Boomerland? Well, dig deeper and the advice is much different. I like it too, because its a take charge kind of advice that we need to LIVE our lives and take the risk of loving.
I've been separated from DSJ this past week as he spent 6 days with his brother in Colorado biking on trails near Glenwood Springs. This separation is/was tough on our fledgling relationship, but so invaluable for our future together. DSJ is not a phone talker, but man, does he write some great love letters on email! Not only are those letters going to be kept, but it seals the deal that he too, is a keeper. Be still my beating heart!! :o)
Like I stated to DSJ in one of my letters to him, I have never regretted saying, "I love you" to anyone and I have only regretted NOT saying it when I wanted to but held back. I think he and I are on the same page now because he understands what it is like to see someone he loved go from life to death in an instant. Its gonna happen to all of us. Why not loosen the stops and live and LOVE to the fullest while we are still here?
So I am. And I will continue to do so. I do not think I will regret my decision to take DSJ along with me on my wild ride. Love waits for no one, you know.
How does one assess the weight of a good person? Is it how valuable they are to themselves or to society's masses? Maybe it is how much they have contributed through their natural gifts or the learned talents they expanded on to make something better.
These musings are not gibberish to me. Because I am now of the view that motives need to be analyzed and actions do indeed speak volumes more than mere words, I then turn my ponderings of others back onto my self. How can I judge others' worth when I need to look at my own worth and see it for what it is?
I have established a relationship with someone I perceive to be described in one word: Honorable. The kind of 'honorable' one uses when addressing a judge. Yes, he is that honorable.
When and if we get a 'do over' in life and wind up searching for a special someone in mid life, we pretty much know what we don't want. Look at the scars on your own psyche's skin and think about how they got there. Yep, that's the stuff we don't want to ever see again.
Turning a negative into a positive, we have nebulous ideals of what we want in that new person, but its tough to iron out these ideals into hard and fast rules of what we would find acceptable in a new mate.
In my own relationships over my life I remember the really good stuff and the really bad stuff. The rest of the stuff is what makes up 90% of our existence though, so what to do about that?
Mr. Honorable is named DSJ. DSJ is everything and nothing like what I would have set out to find in the perfect mate. He is kind, thoughtful(to the extreme), quiet, respectful and has been schooled in the midwestern code of Moral Conduct a la Methodism. Yet he is not a Christian. >gasp!< How can a non Christian be moral? It happens all the time and we are surrounded by such people. These are people who refuse to be branded and who don't buy the pre-packaged versions of themselves that they were told they are by their loving parents or in childhood Sunday Schools.
DSJ comes with sterling credentials. He is educated and has completed a career which has led him to have lived all across the U.S. He has collected the lint from many different regions and those places have left their marks on his thinking and opinions. But under it all lies the Nebraska sensibilities he acquired from his parents. Those are what carries him now as he faces life without his wife/partner of 40+ years.
I believe in fate and I believe that DSJ is exactly what I need right here and right now. He is a puzzle to me and unlike anyone I've ever been attracted to. He is not 'exciting, dynamic, or sparkling'. He has a boyish shyness with the open smile to match. He doesn't need to stoop to using profanity or cutting remarks about others. He is steady and kindhearted like a good dad, and lighthearted like a favorite brother. He is the guiding light of that special teacher. He is that one friend who you can always call on in a pinch for help or an opinion. He is the promise of a love that you wanted when you were in Junior High. His affection is special because it is not given lightly. He is the kind of man I would love to have brought home for my dad to meet and be impressed by. I am so very proud that I get to know this man at this stage in my life.
Above all, my dear DSJ is willing to open up his heart to me and I to him. This is a very strange dark forest we walk into. Neither of us ever expected to be here and certainly not together.
I have for a long time now wanted to be anything but superficial. Superficiality is what I aim to escape and its all I've been living in for too long. Being with DSJ is the absolute opposite of living a superficial life.
Now how's that for an exciting, dynamic and sparkling second chance!?
When
I was in Sioux Falls with Gary and raising the fam, I was almost continuously on Weight Watchers. About the fourth time, I achieved lifetime status after maintaining my weight loss goal for six weeks. That meant that I never again have to pay a joining fee if I go back to Weight Watchers. And go back I did, probably another six times. I am a pro at WW! If you've ever gone to a WW meeting you know that the leader can make or break your experience and success. There have been some yawners for sure but one leader I liked used the term "Empty Calories" and it has stuck with me ever since.
You don't have to be a perpetual dieter like me to guess that 'empty calories' means foods that have no nutritional value to them. The calories they contain are sugars only with nothing that the body can use to build or maintain good function.
Well, I made the mistake of telling this to Gary once upon a time and he latched onto it. If he saw me eating a Hostess Ho Ho or any variety of sweets, he would scold me in a sing-song voice saying, "EMp-tee-CAL-er-REEs!" A few months of this and I was ready to stuff a Twinkie in his face. I finally told him, "What I eat is off limits to your comments and opinion." Gary could take a hint, and he never said it again.
When I now weigh the same 'nutritional value' in a person I hope to have a relationship with, I have to look at him and judge him without the benefit of a label. Will this person ADD to my quality of life or will he or his actions suck me dry and leave me bereft? Will I hear and listen to a lot of empty promises which, just like empty calories, leave me with nothing but the aftermath of his sugar high lies?
There is no solution but to take a nibble and use the 'everything in moderation' rule. Listen as he tells you his sorrows, pains, his life story, his family dynamics, his past loves, his dreams, hopes, desires. He will spill his guts to you in the first 72 hours of meeting him. Men do like to talk!
Here's what I'm thinkin'. I will ponder what he tells me. If he doesn't make too many future happy predictions; if he is adverse to promises in general, and if he answers my many questions by saying, "Honestly, I don't know!" then I will follow his lead on the trail to the future. I do still want to trust in the goodness of people until they do not deserve my trust.
My new man exudes quality in every way. I can see the loyalty, fidelity, and honesty that his parents put into making him a good man. I want to believe the vibes he sends that he is one of the Good Guys. So far, there is nothing empty about the promises he is willing to make at this point in the infancy of our relationship.
One more interesting point, this man is on Weight Watchers! Nearing his goal weight, he knows what perseverance means when it comes to food, eating, and even in living his life. I can only wish for him to persevere in leading us both to the place where nothing is empty and life is a journey of meaningful bites of sustainable experiences. That's the kind of relationship I'd pay to get a seat at the table of. Wouldn't we all!
Last night I went to bed late. Waaayyyy too late. I hate doing this to myself. The sleep deprivation side effect of being hyperthyroidic is the suckiest. Yet, I don't have to be a slave to it. I DO have the means to control my sleep habits. I just don't. So I woke up at 5:20 as always, but very very groggy.
Usually the foggy brain lasts for half the day, but not today.
ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!!
I don't know why this birthday is so much better, but I am making it that way. It started out with a quick walk with Robbie then the knock on my door brought my breakfast date and off we went to Bobbie's Cafe for the $4.99 breakfast special. My breakfast partner was my dearest neighbor Joe who has been taking me out for breakfast on weekends for the past few months. The change of days was because ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!!
I don't know about you, but I can always remember my very first thought upon waking. When I was working it was, "uhhhhh today is ______day. ___ days until Friday." Sometimes I wouldn't realize what day it was until after I had peed then started splashing water on my face. In recent months the first thought was of DM. The good thoughts degenerated as the relationship disintegrated, being replaced with painful first thoughts of sadness, anger, disgust with myself, and just good ol' morose.
Those days are gone! Three weeks ago they were replaced with hopeful anticipatory thoughts, some even continuation of dreams I was having before waking. These thoughts are of new people, new times, new conversations with new things to learn about. One of these discovered people is now a dear friend. The other is so very new and so very fragile. It would be a disservice to my thoughts about him to expand on it so I dare not say more. Let the cocoon shelter this butterfly until it is ready to awake, unwrap its wings and emerge.
Today I woke up, although very tired, but thinking, "ITS MY BIRTHDAY!" My phone was blinking from the text from my dear son texted me two hours earlier within minutes of his own awakening, "Happy Birthday Mom!" I've been getting texts ever since. I decided as I put on my shoes, that THIS will be my best birthday since Gary died. It shouldn't be. There is no remarkable reason my 58th birthday should stand out from the rest. Its not like my 60th where there will be dancing in the streets as I bask in the glow of receiving my first Social Security check. If I live to be 60, my awakening thoughts on May 20, 2017 will be of relief having made it five years to that milestone day.
I decided many weeks ago to throw myself a birthday party this year. I am doing the planning and prep solo without a helper as I had last December when DM helped pay for and prep my Christmas Party. Its all good though. It has to be! The cast of characters in my life play has changed in the last six months. A few more neighbors and my special Meetup Interest plus some people new to the neighborhood. Throw in the regular Wine Ladies and I'm hoping for a decent turnout. A last minute entrant is the nice widower I sat next to last Saturday who joined me in listening to the divorcing man rant about how bad things are when one divorces. When he very politely contacted me to ask if he could see me again, I had to tell him that I am very serious about cultivating another relationship and I do not and will not juggle people, especially the widowed. We have to stick together on the first rule of our exclusive club, "Do No Hurt". So I invited my admirer to my party. He's coming! Its good for him, and I'm glad I asked him.
Now TONIGHT!! ......... TONIGHT!! I am hoping it will be the cream cheese frosting on my carrot cake day. Dinner and a movie with (?). I have no clue what this will turn into so I will not give him a name. Maybe he will be added to the friend roster, maybe I dare to dream of more, but this one I am going to watch and let play out, giving him and a higher power the say in what happens. My control room is dark and the Gone Fishin' sign is on the door. Won't it be interesting to sit back and, like the movie we're seeing tonight, watch a new relationship unfold without me trying so hard -too hard- to force the outcome I think I want.
Don't roll the credits on this Beautiful Day just yet... :oD
Hey! I just noticed that today is exactly 2.5 years since Gary died, October 17, 2012. I've been stating that I've been a widow for 2 & a half years for so long that now that it is a reality, it seems strange.
Last night I went to a Meetup of my Baby Boomer group. It was just right up the road at a bar/grill that I've been to many times with DM and even prior to him. At these Meetups there are a few people who I know as regulars now. One man, I'll call him, "Es" who I found out through listening later, is actually two years younger than me. Maybe in another circumstance, Es would have made a better impression on me, but last night was a moderate FAIL, I'm afraid. Es comes across as being open and friendly, walking over to my table of two other men and two other women. He shakes hands with the men then introduces himself to me with a handshake. As Es pulls his hand away, he knocks over my wineglass and wine shoots in a direct four foot long flume over the table and onto the man sitting diagonally across from me. Many hands with napkins are quickly thrust into the melee to mop up the mess. I sit calmly looking at the few drops left in my glass, and thinking, "Bummer for me." Es was helping clean up the table and the man who got the brunt of vino on him is standing up looking at the stains on his blue jeans and black polo shirt. "So glad I wore dark colors tonight!" he exclaimed. Es was wearing a solid white shirt which showed no wine spots at all. Not that anyone would have noticed because we were all staring at the skin protruding from the unbuttoned shirt just above the waistband of Es' pants. I thought surely someone would know Es well enough to say, "Hey buddy, your hairy gut is sticking out of your shirt. You really need to corral that stuff or suck it in so you can button the shirt." Nope. No one over the next 30 minutes said a word to Es. Finally he sat down and the skin was out of sight under the table. Conversation resumed and a new glass of wine was delivered to me- this time in a plastic cup. I poured it into my proper wine stem.
Es seemed to have a propensity for talking to a woman sitting next to me. He never let any of the three of us on my end of the table get a word in edgewise. So be it. And since I was not put on Spare Tire Spotting duty, I just watched Es be as animated as he wished while he stood up, walked around and did his meet 'n greet. I had a nice conversation with the two men I sat with, one a widow of 10 years looked like Wilford Brimley and the other wearing my wine stains, was a guy who was pissing and moaning about the end of his 44 year marriage to his 64 year old wife who had found a new boyfriend. I thought, "Oh man, you don't know how good you've got it. She actually wants a new life without you. Let her GO!" Now, this vino man seemed ok, but he is still in the throes of divorce with all the usual tirades about HER and LAWYERS and time and court dates and paper signings, blah blah blah. Brimley and I sat and listened half heartedly but with no real empathy. Our spouses don't even get to be complained about anymore because they are just plain gone.
Please understand that I am not against men going through divorces, but I will NEVER get myself in the middle of a divorcing couple again. NEVER. Let the guy get through his divorce without ME anywhere in sight. Then when/if the man were to come around, I would assess my risks in getting to know him better. I will never again be burned, hosed, lied to or subjected to the abuse I endured at the hands of DM and Ex.
Its funny to observe the people at these Meetups in the way that they move in and out of conversations with others. Some of the same topics come up over and over. The reason for attending any Meetup is answered by some insincere members. "I'm just here to meet new friends!" gayly sayeth the 61 year old woman. Yeah, right. So, like me, that's why you seek out and sit only with men rather than women, huh?
The woman next to me asked Es how long he had been doing Meetups. "Five years" Es muffs out through the mouthful of sweet potato fries in his craw. "What!? You've been at this for FIVE YEARS?!" the woman asks incredulously. Es nods like, 'What's the big deal?' Obviously the woman is NOT interested in hanging around at Meetups for the next five years to find a man. So of course the next topic was segued into: Online Dating.
My eyes glazed over as the observations and opinions fly in the banter. Apparently I am the only person at the table who has not paid to meet people online. It seems like so much work. So much rejection. So much broken hope. I don't ever want to endure that but...
I ended my evening after a conversation with my male table mates about the misadventures I've had with men in the last 4 months. They were astounded that their fellow gender mates would DO such things and say such things! Well, believe it. Your gender is not known for its steller treatment of women over the ages.
The live band had been playing for 40 minutes when I got up to leave, feeling very very tired from my late night before with *M*. More than that, I felt weary of trying. That's it. I'm already sick of trying.
The people at Meetups can be fun, but sometimes the collective loneliness is palpable. AND there are so many others who sit at home night after night blowing on their Banquet Pot Pies in front of the TV. But not me. Tonight I sit in front of the computer putting my short term memories into this blog. The TV is silent, but the music is playing loudly in the living room.The Who, Led Zeppelin, Coldplay, 311, Beatles, Metallica, Moody Blues, Fleetwood Mac, Don McClean, Rolling Stones- its nice to meet you again...
This is a tuffee for me to write because it is about a letdown while being uplifting at the same time.
The past week I have been texting a person I originally named Adonis, but whom I shall now refer to by his initial, *M*.
This man is beautiful both inside and out. The more I talked with him on the phone through texts and then in person over the course of our 8 hours together last night was excruciatingly interesting, entertaining, intensely educational and obviously unforgettable. *M* is so far beyond 'average' that he can't even see the shoreline of it from where he stands in his ocean of extraordinary.
I, like most people, always thought that a person was either left or right brained. Here's the outlines of the whole Right/Left Brain Theory:
-----------------------------------------------
According to the left-brain, right-brain
dominance theory, the right side of the brain is best at expressive and
creative tasks. Some of the abilities that are popularly associated with
the right side of the brain include:
Recognizing faces
Expressing emotions
Music
Reading emotions
Color
Images
Intuition
Creativity
The
left-side of the brain is considered to be adept at tasks that involve
logic, language and analytical thinking. The left-brain is often
described as being better at:
Language
Logic
Critical thinking
Numbers
Reasoning
-------------------------------------------------
And THEN I learned this- That the entire concept is outdated! So quit pigeon-holing your thinking process and that of others.
As a musician and music composer, *M* uses his brain's right side of course, but oh the left side! Wow! Understand this, I have never used the word 'fascinating' to describe a person. But *M* is everything that the word entails. His knowledge of historical events as they relate to current day economic events and impending upheaval is as enlightening as it is scary. He is a philosopher who has really thought about politics/religions/spirituality/human nature and the universe. He is The Wizard and I am the Scarecrow trying to stuff it all into my head as I listen to him.
Physically, he is a beautiful man to look at. He is kind and considerate and even though he's so cerebral, he loves ordinary dumb stuff like old movies, TV shows and games. Lucky is the person who can be called *M*'s friend, I say. He has friends, male and female, strewn across the country.
*M* is not a tall man, yet with his long mane, he gets noticed and I watch women look at him as he crosses a room. Seriously, he can have any woman he wants. I frankly feel/felt inferior to him. Being in awe of someone is probably not a good basis for building a relationship.
Besides being way too intelligent for mere mortals, *M* is dealing with a recent divorce from a 22 year relationship. THIS divorcee, though, is doing all the right things in starting over in life at age 53, He moved from Hawaii to Arizona where he has a good support group of family and friends. He is now beginning all over again with career and wealth building, but he is doing it all HIS way and in HIS time. Jumping into any serious relationship is not in the cards for him right now with the priorities he needs to address.
Thank God there are good men like *M* out there. It gives me hope. And it also gave me a new man to call Friend which I can add into my portfolio of good people and experiences post Gary.
*M* is my crush without being crushed. It was a privilege to get to know him and spend a little time with him. He is a rung of the ladder on which I am climbing out of my well hole. This man though, unlike others before him, graciously offered me a hand up without asking or demanding anything of me in return.
Best of all, we laughed our heads off as we recalled specific scenes from old episodes of Seinfeld. *M* has such a great memory, he can recite the lines verbatim of each character in each scene. You've gotta love a guy who appreciates the sarcastic humor of Seinfeld. I haven't laughed like that in forever.
There really is such a thing as one in a million. Or in *M*'s case, One in 7.125 Billion.
This posting is written by me for me. Its what's my conscious thoughts became after I put my pen to paper this morning on the flight from Phoenix to Sioux Falls. It was somehow satisfying to get this out. Thinking and typing these thoughts are 50 Shades of Therapy for me.
----------------------------------------
I read(present tense) a book titled, How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Harold H. Bloomfield, Melba Colgrove and Peter McWilliams. I say, 'I read it', because I pick the paperback book up, read some, put it down sometimes for days, then pick it up again to read pages I've already covered. So to state that I 'am reading' this book as if it were a novel is to lessen the impact that it has on me and my emotional health as I read and take away the thoughts of the writers/poet of its pages.
This book is just so me. It is my random thoughts and fears and hopes and resignation on each page and in the verses and paragraphs the authors contributed. This book is more than a reference or a text or a bible. It is inspiring, yes, and it helps direct my thoughts on a path that I can envision.
DM used to have a saying, "10 miles of bad road." He'd say 'so and so did their 10 miles of bad road and came out alright(or not) in the end." I told DM once after he'd left me for Ex and lied about his whereabouts then returned when I discovered the truth, declaring his heartfelt LOVE for me that I surely must have must have endured my own "10 miles of bad road" by now and that I'd finally reached the paved road again. Later, after rejecting me yet again, I tried to explain how this felt to me by saying to him, "You threw me onto 10 miles of bad road. I did it. But you keep adding another two miles of bad road then I round a corner and I see there are MILES of road ahead and all of it bad!" To which he gave me his sad, watery-eyed look and said, "I'm sorry." And moved back to Ex's house 'just to see if it would work out this time' after the 40 years before had failed.
So yeah, I read and re-read. I am reading and absorbing the meaning of the words in my book. There are so many appropriate topics in the chapters to take into my situation that I would tell you, dear reader, to go out and get the book yourself to understand what I'm referring to. Here is one excerpt of thousands that are profound in my thinking:
Our love affair has crash landed
I am trapped in the rubble of gossamer wings
The Wright Brothers would have been proud of our flight,
but we live in an age of moon landings and space shuttles
It was pitifully low and painfully brief
Endings make the circumstances of the beginning regrettable.
I recall so many times when I became so frustrated at the circumstances DM put me into. I asked him, "Why did you have to pick ME?" I told him he should never have called me to go out to lunch. He had no business trying to go out with any woman, let alone a recovering widow. I tried to make him understand how much of a victim I felt., But he cannot think that way because of the childhood trauma and now the embedded co-dependency he exists within. Empathy is a vocabulary word to DM, not an actual feeling he can experience.
Since I feel I had the last word to DM and Ex last week after the now 7 weeks of last words to him, I've been more intensely miserable than I've been in in a long time. This breakup has to be one of the longest I've ever heard of. So many times I have been close to texting or calling him again, I manage time after time to snuff out the urge. I craft letters to him in my mind. I rehearse one-sided conversations to him in effort to clarify how this makes me feel and and if he would just come back, stay for good, life would be wonderful again.
But I don't do do it- not this moment, not this hour, not this day.
I read my Yogi teabag tags. I read How to Survive the Loss of a Love. I read the never ending emails I get from psychologists who do help me to understand adversity and self esteem and relationship issues. And of course, I read horoscopes on the days I get the newspaper.
One can scoff at horoscopes and fortunes, but I look at them as tiny messages to me that I can ignore or not. Some wind up being true 'Aha' messages, while others make you think, 'That's a load of BS!" Right now, I'm writing this longhand on the plane having just read the Sunday paper where my eyes fell onto my horoscope.
Today's was tailor-made for me to read. I am a Taurus born on May 20 which is the cusp for Gemini, so I read that horoscope also. Never before have the two seemed to mesh so well with my present state of mind as I travel to see family and friends:
Taurus: The thing you are considering a loss may actually be a benefit. Challenge yourself to look at it differently. Conundrum: Everything you lose makes you freer!
Gemini: If your day were a song, it would be an all too familiar chorus of your discontent. Forget the melody. That tune is tired and loved ones will thank you for not playing it any more
I tore the horoscope from the paper and it is a new, ragged bookmark in my little book.
Just in case you're wondering what I did... Sent Friday morning to DM & Ex's cells:
Hello. I need to be free
from all the trauma this
causes me. Moving forward
from this stress is best for me.
___ is looking for something
that doesn't exist. I'm not
what he wants or needs.
Thank you. Goodbye.
------------------------------------- Last night I went to the Moody Blues concert with tix that DM bought 7 days before he left me and which he later generously gave to me to take someone else. I took my friend for her birthday. We had a great time but I have to admit to feeling extremely sad and lonely as I listened to the beautiful music that I know all the words to and saw couples all around me with their arms around each other. That should have been 'us'. But it is not to be....
Classic bad selfie in my new souvenir Moody Blues shirt.
Many of you readers are too young to know what 'Deep Thoughts' was. Jack Handy, a gifted humorist was the creator/author of these jewels which were written and appeared on Saturday Night Live from '91 through '98.
Here's a couple examples of one liners Handy's mind came up with:
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. "The crows seem to be calling my name", thought Caw.
and here's another one in the customary format of a beautiful photo background that often evoked real emotions which were then quashed by the reality of the message. They were oh so deliciously ironic!!
I LOVE this stuff! ;)
My own Deep Thoughts are often too dark and brooding to make into anything resembling humor. But I wish I could change them into laughable surprises like Handy does. I seek to lighten life's load(of mostly shit) if I can.
So here goes, nuthin funny about the events of the last 24 hours. Just the usual dumbass stuff that seems to crop up during my existence.
I decided to skip the Toastmasters Meeting on Wednesday morning and instead drive 45 minutes to the Arcadia neighborhood of Phoenix to attend a meetup down there. Way cool group of eclectic people in their 40's and 50's or so. The organizer told me he is 65. I'll call him Ron because that's what his mom named him. I met a genuine Bohemian lady with gorgeous purple lipstick, no bra under her lovely Goodwill dress and shoes that needed tying. She wore a hand embellished hat that would put my mom's haberdashery collection to shame. Her purse was personalized with silk flowers and beads; a true piece of art which she showcased in the center of the group's table at Wildflower Bread Co where our meeting took place. A lively bunch to say the least! I'll make the trek back down there no doubt. These are NOT people who frequent Sun City, that's for sure. As Martha would say, "Its a Good Thing."
As I drove back to the Northwest Valley, I talked to my mom on the phone about this weekend. I got back to the house and texted WT to ask if he wanted to grab a bite at Chipotle. I had to hurry because I had a dermatologist appointment at 1:30. He had already eaten lunch but he said he could go for a beer while I ate. So, because the guy has no car and no license(DUI from IL two years ago) I hauled him up there and while I ate a salad he chugged 4 bottles of beer. WT is a drinking efficiency expert you might say.
Again because WT has no wheels, he asked to tag along to the dermatologist and sit in a bar while I did my thing (Botox) at the dermatologist's office. I left him about a half mile away at an Italian eatery which has a decent bar.
Finally after 2 hours of falling asleep waiting to get into the little exam room, being numbed and poked and long winded conversations about men and how useless they are to us women, I was done and ready to leave. I texted WT saying I was puffy, sore and had a face full of zit-ish looking red marks from the needles. Such is the life of the wannabe attractive widder woman, I guess.
The text I recieved back surprised me. 'I just got to Hooters. lol Sorry' Hooters?? Where the hell is Hooters in the neighborhood where I dropped him off? I called him and he said he had taken a cab down to Hooters several miles from where I was. What a dipshit, I thought! I did not want to drive down there looking like I did and feeling like I did. He was pissed and possibly drunk and so he said he would probably stay at the LaQuinta across the street if I didn't go get him. This is at 3:30 in the pm. Ummm you took a cab down there, you should know that those things travel all over and can also get you home without my help. Besides, after hauling Mr. Wonderful's ass around, my Kia was fresh out of gas and I was on my last nerve with this guy. Just that day he had casually mentioned that he would probably be moving in with me when we got to know each other better. This was after he asked me what color underwear I had on and saying that he was a gentleman. They must have different descriptions of "Gentleman" in the Peoria ILLINOIS dictionary. Apparently you find it under 'I' for IDIOT.
->poof<- WT is No Mas
I went home and rubbed anti bruising cream onto my ravaged cheeks, and took a nap. Screw it.
Besides his smoky presence which I endured for the entire 6 days of our friendship, he left the stench of his cologne in my car. I smell the guy every time I turn on the AC. Gawd help me.
(speak of the devil, the stinky smoker just called. He recieved a DECLINED message from me)
The day went on in a unremarkable way until the evening during another call with Mom. I got two other calls coming in which I ignored for a few minutes. While mom retold a tale of yore, I looked at the numbers I had recieved calls from. One was a cell number I did not recognize and could not find on the lookup on my computer. The other number when googled produced a name match because it is a land line. The name showed it came from DM's house. Sorry mom, gotta go. Priorities, you know. I called the landline, nearly trembling as I did. DM's quavering voice answered, "_ _ _?" I queried, "Did you call me?" "X called you", he said. "She wants to talk to you. "Xxxx! Marsha's on the phone!!" he yelled. X comes to the phone. "Hello X, how are you?" I ask. "Not good" she reports. She says that she is giving up on DM because he loves me and not her. He misses me. He misses Robbie. DM loves Robbie more than her dogs she says(and probably more than me or her, I surmise) I told her that DM needs to get away from both of us and go live under an overpass for a year to leave womankind alone. "He can't live alone," she states which I know to be factual. While she was upset and crying, she was sounding actually very rational. Both parties had been drinking. She finished her speech about DM coming to live with me because she was better off without him for the last 10 years of her life. She is 64 but longevity is not in the family cards. We both talk about the obvious flaws of this man who has so many emotional scars from his mother and his childhood. I had him pegged just exactly as she has known him to be for 40+ years. (sigh)
She hands off the phone to the little man child, who is choking up. I ask him, "How are you, _ _ _?" "Pretty shitty." was his reply. "Have you reached the bottom yet?" I wondered. "I can see it from here," he says. I ask, "Well, what do you want to do?" His brain is fried by pain, beer and fatigue. Yeah, so what else is new, I think. "What are we going to do next_ _ _ ?" I ask him. He knows I will be going to visit family soon and the little guy doesn't want to be alone in my house. I actually do trust him here alone, but his fragile psyche needs a woman's presence I would guess. Or at least something that barks orders out in a simplistic manner he can understand. 'Go to bed! Get up! Go to work! Drive home! Feed dogs!' You know, that kind of stuff.
I have become jaded to this whole tired soap opera. As they say, "You can't make this shit up." I talked to him today. He is bone tired of the ordeal.
In the month since he left me, my heart has actually healed. I am less inclined to get sucked into his/their soap opera life. Obviously intense counseling is in order for him and some for me too. I really don't see that if he came back that it would be long term. Maybe he'd surprise me, but I don't think so. I still love him, but the time and distance has me seeing clearer. Will he ever have that same clarity of what he wants? He's 66 now, what do you think his chances are of ever growing up? Yaa, I thought so. Here's what Jack Handy has to say about this-
You know, I live in a pretty nice place that I pay an HOA fee to every month for the use of some nice facilities. Ventana Lakes has 4 pools all with spas. It has a nicely equipped fitness room with a sauna and steam room. There are racquetball courts, pickleball and tennis, basketball, horseshoes, shuffleboard, libraries, card and game rooms and live entertainment just to scratch the surface. Its just lunacy to pay for these amenities month after month without using them.
Soooo, in the new spirit of my resolve to get out and meet people, I decided last week to start going to the pools to swim and relax in the deck chairs beside them. I went to The Landings pool yesterday because it is much newer than our nearby North pool which I can walk to. I rode my new garage sale Nishiki mountain bike over with my swimsuit and towel. I was water walking all alone under the squinting gaze of two older male pool lizards....when HE walked in.
Adonis, is that you in the flesh?
This guy had long dready kinky hair that he tied up in back in the surfer dude style you see in HI and CA. He loosened his hair tie and let the hair fall. Niiice! We started talking about the temperature of the water vs the adjacent spa. We sat talking for about an hour about chemtrails, the end of society as we know it, conspiracy theorists and most importantly his name and occupation. I also found out that, in addition to his window washing business, he is a song writer(orchestral), of both music and lyrics.
Turns out, this delicious guy did move here from Hawaii after his divorce and now lives with his aunt in VL as he launches his new business, Aloha Window Cleaning. He grew up in Costa Mesa, CA. No wonder he looks like he does, I thought, he certainly looks the coastal dude!
I was so stoked after meeting him that on the ride home I thought, Hey, I can give him my ticket to Moody Blues that DM bought a week before he exited my life so abruptly. So I get on the horn and text Aloha Window Washing, then I backed it up with a phone call which went to his voicemail. Later, Adonis calls me back to apologize that he cannot use the ticket although he would love to go to Moody Blues. Here's his reason: He is going to see his MOM for Mothers Day Weekend. He hasn't seen her in more than three months he tells me. He is 53 years old and is making his mom a priority. Such a good boy! Adonis then goes on to tell me that he'd love to go to some other concerts like Tears For Fears but the tickets for that are all through a certain bulk reseller so they are not available to individuals directly from the casino venue TFF is performing at.
I begin to look at upcoming concerts in the Phoenix area. There are some good concerts coming!
I look up some of Tears For Fears songs. Within that genre of songs mostly from the 80's, I found the Tears For Fears song, Head Over Heels. Boy, I can surely relate to these lyrics from that song:
Something happens and I'm head over heels
I never find out till I'm head over heels
Something happens and I'm head over heels
Ah don't take my heart
Don't break my heart
Don't throw it away
So yeah, I will probably never hear from Adonis again. I shall attempt to reconnect when I dip my toes in that pool again at just the right time after he gets off work and does his workout then enjoys a swim. I did offer to show him some of the bars and places in the West Valley where one can find decent entertainment etc. Courtesy of my relationship with DM, I have been out to many nice places and drinking establishments. I don't care if Adonis does have a girlfriend, I am willing to suffer rejection now that I am such a pro at living with it. What do I have to lose anyway?
When it rains it pours-even in the desert. I have a 4 day old friend who placed himself in my path purposefully to meet me and start seeing me. He is 6'2", with the build of a basketball player(he played in college) and he pitched in baseball too. He just moved here from Peoria AZ's namesake city, Peoria, IL. Kinda crazy, huh? This man seems nice, and as far as I can tell so far, he seems to be truthful after 4 days of knowing him and going out for drinks. By this time in the DM relationship, I had already been on the receiving end of at least two unkeepable(is that a word?) promises which later morphed into lies.
Walking Tall, as I shall name this guy, has some major red flags that wave at me when I think about him, though. First off, he's 65 and he has never been married. He did have a long term relationship with a woman that did not lead to marriage, though. Then there is the fact that he lives with his older sister who is a widow. What is it with men who are dependent on a 'mom' figure in their lives!!??
Another biggee to me: WT smokes. Yeaahhh like maybe 3 an hour. yuck! blech! And no, these are not vapes he smokes, but the nasty stinking cigs of yesteryear. And, then there is that irritating habit of his beer of choice: Bud Lite, also DM's fave, except WT always buys bottles. Classy guy, eh?
I may have swung to the overly critical side of the scale when it comes to judging men after the ordeal with DM. WT does know about him and I have even told WT that I still love DM. He is undaunted in his quest to get me to like him. I am being pursued big time. I, however, want him to meet other people first. He is learning to golf and that is a good outlet. I also want to take him to Meetups with other single Baby Boomers so he can see what is out there outside the Sun City view of the world. He likes to dance and I might go dancing with him. That's another step for me to take outside my own comfort zone. I am not ready to fall in love yet. My aim for now is simply to have fun. WT will do fine with or without me, since any single hetero man around here is red meat to the sex starved sisterhood majority of Ventana Lakes/Sun City.
One person I aim to eventually get to know better is actually a long shot whom I met at a Meetup. I have gotten his email address, which lead to phone numbers, but that's as far as it has gone since he is out of town. This guy is a widower and retired from US Geological Survey so we will moniker him with the title of USGS. USGS goes to biking Meetups and also is a hiker. Perhaps I need to read the playbook that WT uses on me, minus the line that WT gave me on our 3rd day of knowing each other about how he thought we could spend the day in bed exploring each others' bodies. What a kidder-Ugh!
This morning I went out to breakfast with Mr. B, a 79 year old dog park friend. The most impressive line he gave me was, "Keep your legs crossed, Marsha." Thank you Mr. B, I am doing just that. My motto~ No lovin' without LOVE first! Well, at least not without a healthy bit of lust anyway. :oP
“You can never get enough of what you don’t need to make you happy.” Eric Hoffer
I am sorry to post a repeat song but I am just so so down tonight. I have not felt this low in such a long time. I am in the mood to mourn I guess.
I've released my death grip on the hope of any sort of relationship with DM. Its like prying a gun out of 'my cold dead hands'. It is taking soooo long because of the dance he does back and forth from me to his house and the abusive troll roommate. I think he thinks I am comforted that he is not happy there. Does it really matter, I ask? You say you have no love for this person, but that you like sleeping in a spacious bed in your own bedroom with your dogs. If that's your 'la vida loca', hey go for it.
So I am sad, but what for and because of whom? When I listen to this song all over, I realize that I am so sad that I am missing my real love. The man who never ever told me he loved me without meaning it. The man I admired and was so proud to be with. The man who called me to tell me something he thought was interesting or to ask me what my opinion was or to see if I wanted to go somewhere with him. I want THAT man in my life. I want to feel loved without being used. I want, as they say love should feel, like I am being added TO rather than having something taken away from me. I miss the feeling of forever; the feeling of not worrying that what I hear whispered in my ear is nothing but another lie or false promise.
Yesterday I spent the afternoon with a man I just met. He was going to call me a girl, but he stopped and asked, "I don't know what to call you, a girl or a woman or a lady..." "A lady I said." "Yes, he agreed, you ARE a lady". This is indeed what I feel. I am worthy of being treated like a lady should be. Not someone you use and throw away, like I have been by DM.
Gary would be horrified to know that this severely flawed man hurt me so much. I know Gary thought too, that there would be other men who would honor promises, never lie and to be faithful and committed to me like he was. I thought most men WERE like that! I will never be so trusting and naive again.
So tonight I am feeling sorry for myself for being alone again. And -NO- it just is NOT true that, "'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Because there are no winners in the lost love crowd. Just a lot of bloody wounds and tears to show for the battle.
Dear Gary, I miss you, and I wish you were here...
Just as I have read in the textbook cases of codependency, DM waltzes back into my arms, my house, my head and my heart today with his hopes and dreams of leaving the Ex andmoving in with me.
I hear your collective screams, really I do...."NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
No firm plans yet, DM says, as he plays the line I am attached to him on. And now really, WHY would a person make a huge life change and not THINK about how to execute it, I have no clue. Its the DM way though. And you ask, Do I actually believe him when he says he's moving in with me? Hale NO- not a snowball's chance in Hell!
I got a message from an old friend in California tonight who just read through this blog the trials I am going through with this, this, 'man'. Here is what she wrote to me, " he's so lost, he's like a vacuum not thinking of you but his wants and desires...You are far too valuable a woman to remain in his suction .....big hugs ...this too shall pass...I'm so sorry life has to be such a roller coaster." That's a good one. I should change DM's name to Dyson.
My California friend is like most of my friends and family and doesn't feel my skin as it is being lifted each time he comes back to crawl inside me. I want so much to believe him. But WHY should I? WHY WHY?
I call in the big guns for advice. My strong, savvy, tell it like it is widow friend who is so independent and smart and has her shit together friend, named PC. PC's been gone all winter, and I called her a couple of days ago to ask her to call me to go to lunch. She lost my number. She stopped by my house after DM left to get my new phone number. I started talking and telling my story going back to when I met DM. She is better than a counselor, this lady. She takes it as a given that, like she did after her husband died, I will date many men. After awhile PC says she realized that her husband was 'all of the above' to her and that no one man alive today could ever meet the same standards. She told me to THINK about WHY I want to take on this guy(DM)
PC likens our situation to a fast flowing river. While I stand in the water trying to rescue this one flailing man, other men are passing me by. Now isn't that a great word picture!
PC told me I have to figure out what I want to be to DM- his mother? Because that's what is sounds like to her. She then told me she thinks its fine to prefer to be with men over women and have men friends(we both feel this way) and that I will have lots of men to do things for me like fix, maintain and repair my house and possessions. Maybe I will have male friends who are truly just friends. And then there is the Booty Call man- and, PC says, what's so wrong with that? Well, DM is way beyond a booty call because one should never fall in love with a booty call man. tch tch talk about bad for your heart!
PC commented to me how this all is sooooo 'Junior High'. I KNOW, right? So protracted and utterly stoopid, actually. She gave me a hug and headed out the door to the groceries which were melting in the 100 degree temps in her car. Her words have stayed with me though. Especially the advice for me to check into sliding scale counselors I could go to since I have no insurance here in AZ. She said I have to think about the good qualities that I had in Gary and look for as many as possible in someone else. Now, how's that for sage advice!? Thanks, PC.
I haven't mentioned that after a few days, I renewed the friendship with the Cialis cat man. He apologized for any untoward behavior and asked to start over as friends. He's a fair minded guy who does listen to me and we have some fun conversations. He's also very good looking and I've noticed that he is taking more care to dress nicer lately. I've agreed to meet up a couple of times a week and we are good again as friends. He always gives me a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek or hair(he's much taller than me) after our dinners out(never at his house, please!) together. Its all good.
The man I met at the meetup group who used to live in Sioux Falls is going to be in and out of town over the next 2 months, but he emailed me and said he would love to go biking or hiking with just me sometime. He gave me his phone number. hmmm! I would really love to get to know him better. He's a retired engineer from USGS. Easy going and cerebral- a great combo.
THEN, I met another new guy in the neighborhood today! Tall, thin, pleasant looking and acting. We were both at a garage sale, me looking at a mountain bike to go biking with, and he while looking at a set of golf clubs to start playing. He lives with his sister a half block away from my house and they just moved here from Peoria IL. He asked me if I played golf. "No, I said, but I would love to start again, and now that its hot again, the fees are very very affordable for those who can get up at 4am to get a round in." I know that he would not have struck up a conversation with me had he not been slightly interested.
Are these seemingly nice, outwardly 'normal' men floating by on PC's river analogy? I gotta get me a net! Meanwhile, back at the Funny Farm, DM goes about his life deciding what his next move is.
And I? Well, I'm going out for breakfast with my sweet 84-year-old neighbor man down the street.
It just dawned on me:
I.
Have.
Options.
Like DM says when he saw someone else's beers in my refrigerator today, "You don't let any grass grow under your feet." So right, DM! So how 'bout you getchershit together, huh? The current is getting stronger as we head toward the falls.......
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